Holy Cross ACC v Edinburgh CC

With the mercury threatening to tip into the second half of single figures, the winter snows now only restricted to higher ground and the Caledonian mistral easing down to mere icy gale levels, turns out its time for us northern Brits to pretend summer is once more upon us (or at the very least imminent) and engage in our annual sporting flagellation's by partaking in the pastime known as cricket.

Holy Cross 1's have a new skipper this season. A keen and able individual known as Radge who likes smashing it out the park as regularly as possible. So far so good. His naive optimism at the embarkation point of the 'Radge Era' compelled him to err into comedy with his first captatorial decree. After declaring my availability I received an email;

"Home game 1pm start. 12 o'clock meeting at Arbo sharp". Comedy gold!!!

Arriving bang on 1pm, I quickly discovered the wife had forgotten to check I'd packed my breeks, meaning not just playing like a total amateur all afternoon, but looking like one too, being forced to field half clad in denim.

So I missed about the 1st three overs or so of the scheduled 35 per side, cleverly foregoing any need for a warm-up. By the time I entered the arena, nothing much had really happened. We seemed to be playing Edinburgh, but we also appeared to actually be Edinburgh as well, with more Edinburgh CC attire on our side than HX clobber. Probably a devious captaincy ploy to befuddle any potential skullduggery or something I suspected (though we still didn't get any LB's).

Asif (6-1-32-1) and Raz Ahmed (7-1-23-1) opened from the Castle End and Harbour End respectively without making the breakthrough after 4 overs apiece. First change Farooq (7-2-22-4) drew first blood bowling Majeed for 11.

Apologies as the scorebook standards demanded by ancient club scribes weren't fully adhered to, meaning details proving elusive.

Third change Dom McMonagle (or J Mack as the scorebook has him) finished with 2-36, his spell an interesting three way combination of marginal legside wides (not a criticism of him or the umps, that was what had been agreed pre-match), straight sixes and wickets.

The skipper also had a chuck showing a bit more control than his band of bowling brothers (e.g. less wides) but not quite matching the accuracy of Farooq or threat of Asif.

Pick of the Edinburgh batters was opener K Hussein who seemed to adjust to the occasional slow/low Arbo track better than most, right up until totally misjudging a Dom half tracker which didn't really get up and didn't really come through. Hussein tried heaving it onto Arboretum Road a full thirty seconds before the ball arrived on the off stump departing for an innings best 39.

A decent effort by both sides in the 'stiff' conditions, Edinburgh posting 157 (only 10 men, 20 wides) in the 33rd over, somewhere around par for April.

Raja and Owais opened the Cross response, but the latter was back in the hutch before I even began spectating. New vice captain Euan House lasted three balls, the chat on the boundary being he 'got a jaffa'. Raja also rejoined his team mates for 13 leaving the hosts wobbling at 23-3. Farooq (15) and Adnan (12) began the rebuilding with a partnership of 30. Farooq also provided decent support to Asif taking the Cross to 117 by the time he was out in the 27th over.

But the wintry conditions had already 'Dougied' Asif's hammy, Adnan rejoining the fray as a runner. Despite being new to the club, they all quickly adopted the Holy Cross tradition of running confusion, at one point it even looked like Adnan (the runner) might need a runner, leading to conjecture about how many batsmen who couldn't run we could fit onto one cricket square.

With Farooq's departure, the short-trousered McMonangle made his way to the crease with visible intent!!! Most of our running, you'll never believe this, had been more 'ambly' than rapid, the run rate was creeping up and time was running out. Dom made his intentions clear maximising the scoring opportunities hurrying along a startled looking Adnan while Asif continued punishing the bad balls with 2's, 4's and the odd 6.

Michael could hardly contain his excitement at this stage even breaking into a one man cheer when Asif was dropped in installments at long off.

As the total passed 150 and a Cross victory rolled closer, news was relayed from the scorer that McMonagle, for all his action, efforts and enterprise, having been at the crease since the scoreboard read 117, had still not actually got off the mark. He'd maxed out on wides, byes and leg byes but was yet to actually get a run all to himself. And so it continued with Asif and extras with Dom's pace between the wickets carrying us home in the 33rd over. Asif (jug!!!) making a match winning 81 not out and Dom one of the best 0 not outs you will see. Even Coastal Ken (padded and due in at 9) nodded with admiration at the next generation of coastals coming through.

A final word to the only other home player not mentioned. Navraj didnt get to bat or bowl. When I pushed him as to how he'd describe himself, he replied 'well I've not played since school, met Robin at a party and he got me to come along and if its OK with you, I'd prefer to delay identifying whether I bat or bowl for a week or two yet'. I suspected he'll fit right in before he clinched it by saying 'and I'm only available til July'. That's like the perfect template for a Crosser is it not.

C'mon the Cross!!!

dont PANIC.

Frazerio says calm doon, its business as usual

This current Ashes might seem like a bewildering reversal of the form book to some, but I've rustled up a whole bunch of solutions to the predicament that 'England's' 'finest' currently face.

These do not emanate from within my own brain however, instead I have dredged internet comment sections to present Flowery with a range of options.

Bat Belly at 3

Send for Colly

Drop Pietersen, Prior, Anderson & Swann

Don't drop Pietersen, Prior, Anderson & Swann

Take the captaincy from Cooky to let him concentrate on his batting. Replace with Broady

Pick Rankin and tell him to bowl as fast as he can

Drop Cooky down the order

Why the panic? Johnson only bagged 5 tail-enders and a couple of out of sorts batter chaps

Send for Straussy

Bairstow for Prior, no debate, internet unanimous

Now that Australia have been lulled into a false sense of security...

Patience, Cook & KP are just one innings away from a score

Stop all this 'Finn is unpickable' nonsense

Send for Brian Close

Handbags

It's a cause of ongoing bemusement when non-cricketers come up with that old 'its a gentlemans game' chestnut. In my experience contests epitomised by sporting behaviour and gentlemanly conduct are rare enough to warrant a special mention in match reports whilst the more regular incidents of 'bad behaviour' (or should that be perceived bad behaviour) are swiftly expunged from public view by Lord Admin's lawyers on a Sunday morning.

Was it just five days ago that the virtuous upholders of sporting integrity, the Australian cricketing public, were so worked up by a cheating Englishman, Mr Stuarty Broady, the man who once edged it and didn't walk - OMG strike him down before we're all infected - that they booed his every public appearance and in some publications even refused to print his name. Before those boo's could even die down, their skipper is fined for making a "sick taunt" (quote from the Daily Mail). For some reason belittling England with the game of cricket alone wasn't enough for the 'bantering' Clarke. To quote our great Prime Minister 'calm down dear'.

With the kids down under embroiled in a full-on game of handbags, it made me think of some of the greats of the past and how to really noise up the oppo.

The current tourists predicament brings to mind that of the 1974/5 touring side who sent an SOS to the 41 year old Colin Cowdrey. Two days after arriving he walked out to an ovation at the WACA. "How good to meet you" he said to Jeff Thomson who replied "That's not going to help you fatso, piss off".

Rewind to 1954 as the young Cowdrey prepared to disembark on his first Ashes tour. Frank Tyson saw "a spare stooped old man, dressed immaculately in a pin-stripe suit" telling Cowdrey "When you reach Australia, just remember one thing - Hate the Bastards!!!"  He spoke with such vehemence that Tyson asked George Duckworth who the old gent was, "That was Douglas Jardine".

Both sides as bad as each other?

The wisdom in these situations of course is if you can't take it, don't dish it. In 2003 Australia's favourite metronomic wicket taker lost the plot in spectacular fashion playing the Windies in Antigua. Setting the tone for misbehaving cricketers nicely, Shane Warne missed this one after failing a drugs test, reportedly taking a pill his Ma had given him to help with his appearance (source - the internet)!!!!

As the hosts chased down 418 in the 4th innings for victory, McGrath began utilising the breadth of his intellect to try and unsettle Sarwan. After a few overs of concerted hatred including repeated use of the word 'pussy', a bog standard retort provoked McGrath into a fit of rage ""If you ever f*****g mention my wife again I'll f*****g rip your f*****g throat out!".  Oooh-err. Chuckle at McGrath's precociousness as he bleats to the umpire about how wronged he has been with this now classic passage of footage.

Vik takes aim at Bonfield after another fraught  net session

Talking of Aussie fast bowlers, it hardly gets much better than Lillee v Miandad.

"Hello my goodness" exclaimed Tony Greig as Miandad retaliated with his cudgel after Lillee kicked out. Botham said later of the two notorious cricketing rascals "what happened at Perth was going to happen somewhere".

Almost makes one all nostalgic for those long past East League encounters with the likes of Cramond, Fauldhouse, Heriots 2's, Stew/Mel 2's, Accies...

PS: I don't think Call me Dave is very great at all.

Ad-hoc Ashes Spraffings cont

Unbeloivable mate

Was speaking to a mate the other day who was asking me what I thought the Australians chances were in this Ashes series. After reminding him predictions were for plonkers, I replied 'absolute doddle mate, Aussies will walk it 4-0. This England mob are ageing, unmotivated and lead by a feeble skipper who can't score runs'.

Seems the Aussies took my previous advice and began praying hard for Harris & Johnson after day 1 - accumulated figures so far 9-103 compared to Anderson & Broad 10-276.

I went to bed during England's first innings (day 2) just after KP gave his wicket away. At this point there was nothing at all suggest what would come.

It had been a strange mornings play up til that point. Carberry looked like he'd ease his way to a triple century although Cook didnt look too comfy. The Aussie bowlers were adhering to one dimensional plans e.g. for Cook, it was to pitch it on a good to full length and not allow him any freebies off the back foot.

Johnson having sprayed half his deliveries down leg was swiftly removed after just 3 poor overs. Harris and Siddle barely kept me awake and then just like that, Harris bowled the very first good ball of the morning, Cook snicked it and the whole momentum shifted.

On yer bike Trott!!!

Trott arrived with his impeccable Test average and proceeded to bat like a complete fandangle. It appears he can't play short balls. It appears the opposition have taken 3,700 odd test runs to figure this out. It appears all the Aussies have to do is bowl short at him. In no time he was shuffling back to the dressing room. On this form his place in the second test must be in doubt, in fact his whole future England career must hang in the balance. And I was calling him world class four days ago.

And I think that was more or less the best of the English innings over. Fantabulous for the neutral, Series on!!!

What surprises me is the simplicity of the Australian revival. They have a few ridiculously obvious plans and they're sticking to them. And the mighty England can't cope.

1. Nothing short at Cook
2. Everything short at Trott
3. Spinner against KP
4. Get Johnson to bowl fast
5. Attack Swann (and third seamer if possible)

There is some solace for panicking English. I'd advise they get a couple of simple plans of their own (as long as one of them is not Broad bowling short at Clarke who slapped the first bouncer he faced in the 2nd innings for 4 in about as perfect a text book example as he could manage, but this didn't stop Broad feeding him a few more before Cook wisely changed bowlers). For instance, if England can't find a chink in Warner's armour and exploit it, they don't deserve to win a single test match in this series.

There is also the curious accumulation of first innings disasters by England on foreign tours in the last couple of years. From an English point of view, this test is just a continuation in this sequence and therefore not worth worrying too much about. I will turn my attention to trying to solve this curiosity once I've worked out how it is that Hearts are able to continuously get the better of Hibs in Edinburgh derbies no matter the year, personnel or disgraceful condition of the former.

Josimar beats Duncan Disorderly!!!

13 - Josimar - Brasil

In this part of the year where we can't/don't/won't play cricket, I feel we can entertain some chat on this venerable platform about other, possibly inferior sports.

A question in a radio show I was listening to got me thinking. It asked;

When you were growing up, or even now, who is your cult football hero?

An additional criterion is that they are not related to the club or country you support!!!

The second name that sprung to my mind (after burglar bashing Drunken Duncan Ferguson of course, excluded by being Scottish), was that of the almost too good to be true Brazilian right back at the Mexico 86 World Cup. I spraf fondly of course about the leg end that is JOSIMAR.

Drafted into the Brazil squad after an injury to regular right back Leandro, when the second choice right back Edson also became 'Dougied', Josimar stepped into the fray wearing the somehow perfect number 13 shirt and whapped in two of the best goals I can remember seeing in his first two appearances. And yet, these goals were almost eclipsed by a couple of even more perfect celebrations.

Relive them again here

v Northern Ireland

v Poland

I could watch these all day.

Anyone able to outdo the great Josimar???

Here is one of Big Dunc to keep you going.

Note the captains armband

Cricket Practice - Another Nail in the Coffin

I was leafing through some old the Cricketer magazines, like you all do I'm sure, when I came across an article in the October 2011 edition (pictured), of relevance to one of my familiar themes.

It is all very well for one to criticise things that they see as flawed, however without then going on to say what should replace those nonsenses, leaves your criticism hollow.

I have been unable to find the article online, so will reproduce here. It is accredited to Crispin Andrews in the 'Expert Eye' column, page 24, for any subscribing hoarders out there, just in case you do not believe me. To be clear, I am not making this up!!!


Expert Eye

If you want to improve your game then forget about nets, throw-downs and fielding drills. Instead juggle, play on the Nintendo Wii and hold a pencil in front of your nose until your eyes hurt.

Last year Zoe Wimshurst, a visual performance coach, tried out some of these ideas on the Leicestershire squad. Over a six-week, pre-season period, 24 first teamers and Academy players worked on not just batting, bowling and fielding, but on improving their eyesight.

"So many decisions a cricketer makes are based on information coming to them through visual signals," says Wimshurst, who also works with the British Olympic team and runs her own consultancy Performance Vision. "The quicker those signals come in, the more time the player has to make a decision and get their body into the right position.

Wimshurst tested the players' visual skills and then split them into four groups. The first did practical visual training: juggling and kicking balls simultaneously, catching a ball with an unpredictable bounce to help reactions and moving pencils towards their nose to strengthen eye muscles. The second group used an online vision trainer that helped Clive Woodward's England win the Rugby World Cup in 2003 while the third played Mario and Duck Shoot on the Nintendo Wii. "All these help players scan ahead, get both eyes working together and assist peripheral awareness," Wimshurst says.

The fourth group did only additional cricket drills. When tested again, this group had improved it's visual performance and cricket skills least. The winners? Those pencil pushers, although the Nintendo boys ran them close.

The batsman Jacques du Toit from the pencil group, is convinced the sessions helped. "My peripheral vision improved, no doubt," he says. I can keep a clear picture of fielders without having to look up at the last moment ans take my eye off the ball."

So the next time some well meaning psychopath requests some laps of the park to 'warm up', tell them you are working hard staring at a pencil thank you very much.

Further corroboration  that orthodox training methods are very limited comes from this site which I shall let you peruse at your own convenience. In a seemingly decent piece, some quotes may appeal to the teenager in you, I've picked out my favourites:

" if you want to improve your cricket, you need only concentrate on six inches"

"cricket is a mental game"

"What is so surprising is that despite the fact that everyone knows cricket is a mind game, most players and teams practice their technique, but spend little or no time developing the mental skills "

"Once you have mastered the skills of cricket..."

"you need to be sufficiently aroused to perform at your best. But if you become too aroused, your performance will suffer and you'll start to make mistakes"

"Cricketers often allow their arousal level to become too high"

The Smudger Chronicles continue

I always like to get something out on a Friday afternoon for those of you cooped up in offices awaiting when your numpty boss finally let's you go home at 5.

My new collaborator, The Loins of the Club, has been busy ploughing through more historical Ashes yarns so we can be regaled with some mirthsome miscellany. He's still on the chapter about the Big Ship era and sends me this. He also remembered to sign off properly this time without the need for me to add anything!!!

More about the Big Ship......
He captained Aus in 10 tests v England - won 8 drew 2 with one of the draws (at Manchester) an almost complete wash out.
On the voyage over, to keep to his fighting weight of 22 stone, he joined the crew in the engine room shovelling coal.
In one match, he caused a 'confabulation' when he thought Hobbs should have been given out and wasn't. Hobbs was out two balls later. Typically Surrey.
In another match, when Wooley was making his debut, he made the batsman wait for 15mins before bowling a ball. In those days, the bowler was allowed to warm up whenever he liked, so he went a few strips down and practiced bowling some balls. When they went to the fine leg boundary, the Aus fielders were in no hurry to retrieve and return the ball. Wooley made 8.
He was a good enough cricketer to do the 1000run - 100 wkt double on all 3 of his tours to England. In one, he made 2,000 runs & took 100wkts. The only tourist ever to have done so.
He was athletic enough to take 44 catches in tests, usually at mid off.
He wasn't a fan of the draw, believing that all tests should be played to a finish. In the drawn match at the Oval, he took himself out to the outfield and picked up a newspaper that had blown on to the field and started reading it. He said "wanted to know who we were playing".
When the England captain - the hon. Mr. A. Tennyson - declared, he stayed out on the pitch. The rules of the series stated that after rain, the batting side could not declare within 1hr 30 of the close. The hon. Tennyson was unaware of that, so everyone had to come out again. In doing so, he embarrassed the English establishment who were shocked that an uncouth, semi (state at that) educated colonial should know the rules better than their own chaps. The umpires further compounded the embarrassment by allowing him to resume bowling on restart. This meant he bowled two overs in a row.
On retiring he regularly wrote for the press, saying that Larwood and O'Reilly couldn't bowl and Bradman couldn't bat. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Bring back the draw and the back foot no ball.

If I don't see you before, have a Merry pinning a Jewish carpenter to a tree time and a Happy New hurtling 586, 920,000 miles or so around the sun.

Smudger's Test Match Recollections

Lady like lobs?!?!?

In his late teen's our venerable erstwhile 2's skipper Mr Smujinder Smudgergee attended his first ever Test Match. He feels it bears some relevance to my recent grumbly post about skippers who seem unable to try something different.

His account shall do it more justice than anything I could attempt.

Looking at your contribution on the web, I'm surprised no one has repeated what the bow tied Lord Harris (England skipper) did in 1884 at Lords when playing Australia. This was the first time, a team passed 500 (Aus) in tests. It also saw the first individual double ton (Murdoch).

Anyway, as the score passed 500, the bow tied one got so fed up with the England wicket keeper - the Hon. Alfred Lyttleton - criticising the bowling that he put him on to bowl. Dr. WG went behind the stumps and bowling with his pads still on, the Hon. Alfred bowled a "succession of lady like lobs", taking 4 for 19.

What's more, as the Hon. Alfred never bowled in tests again, at 4.75 he has the best bowling average of either side in the history of the Ashes. Eat your heart out Warnie, Larwood etc.

Reminds me of the two seasons in a row my figures were 1-1. For a captain to get a bowler like me to have figures like that CONSISTENTLY, must have been one heck of a (cynically and selfishly opportunistic) skipper!!!!!!!

One spinner or two???

Meet England's new coach???

So, hands up anyone who would pick just one spin bowler in a Test Match in India? Anyone?? Don't worry, if you're stupid enough to think it's a good idea you could either be coach or captain of the England test side. Mind you, although Cooky and Flowery (has to be his nickname) thought it was the way to go, the 9 wicket defeat or 330 run deficit after the first innings in the 1st Test might have yielded a small clue.

Although I can't find the exact quote (hold on to your hats, I'm not a proper journalist), Sky's coverage told me earlier that none other than Shane Warney commented upon the 1st Test that if England weren't going to pick Panesar for that Test Match, when were they ever going to pick him? Too true.

Now I may be out of order, maybe Cooky or Flowery might know more about spin bowling than Warney. But Liz Hurley probably knows you need more than one spinner in India. It should be a sackable offence to not know this. It's akin to Levein playing without a striker in Prague (even Liz knows you always need two big strikers up front).

So onwards to the 2nd Test where Broady is a fitness doubt and every other English seamer bar Anderson is lame. And what amazing tactical innovation do England come up with? Well they go crazymadferrit and pick Monty AND Swanny. The audacity! The sheer ostentation!! Hallelujah!!!

But hold the fireworks, what are these sneaky Indian's up to. OMG they've gone for three (THREE) whole spinners in just one team. Wackier still, one of them will have to open the bowling. OMGx2. Just fancy that? Is this allowed says an old duffer choking on his Pimm's in the Long Room. Meanwhile, back at Castle Frazerio, I despair.

I'll make my view crystal clear. The four best spin bowlers in England right now should be in that Test XI. There is no sane argument against this. Not sure about that I hear you insanely say. OK. Chew on these series aggregates for the England bowlers in India so far:

(Overs/Maidens/Runs/Wickets)
Seamers   96   14   354    2   (r/r - 3.69, s/r 1 wkt every 288 balls)
Spinners  154  25   421   12  (r/r - 2.73, s/r 1 wkt every 77 balls)

If they played four spinners and they performed to those averages (those spin stats include part timers Patel & Pietersen too) and then someone said 'bring back Broad, Bresnan and Anderson in place of these keepin-it-tight-wicket-takers, you'd be locked up. And yet, that's where we seem to be.

I showed these numbers to a fish and even it laughed. Flowery & Cooky think a half fit and visibly floundering Stuart Broady (series figures so far 36-2-157-0) is the correct choice. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Why was only one spinner picked for the 1st Test? Why have only two been picked for the 2nd Test? Why are seamers getting picked at all?

For me the answer arrived not long after stumps in Mumbai when the highlights of Austrai'a v Safrica were broadcast. Safrica had finished 2-217. The first wicket was a run out. Aussie skipper Clarke used 8 bowlers in the day with 7th bowler Warner (David) taking the only other scalp. Yes, the Aussies couldn't take a wicket so their skipper went through every man and his dog to try and buy a wicket and lo and behold found one with his 6th change bowler.

Sky anchor, Ian Ward (5 Test matches for the Motherland) snidely commented on the in form Clarke 'inventive captaincy, or just running out of ideas'. I splurted my porridge down my jammies at that.

Mr Ward, let me say that Clarke's captaincy is the epitome of the exact opposite of running out of ideas. If you want to talk about running out of ideas, or better still, not having a clue, look at the English team selection and go no further.

Incidentally, Clarke once took 6-9 in a Test in India. England's seamers can't take 6-900.

If you can't take a wicket, try another bowler. If you are playing in India, only pick spinners. Stop thinking like it's 1951. England need to be able to think out of the box, or if they're incapable, listen to the likes of Shane Warne, if I can hear him, surely Flowery & Cooky can too.

Rant over.

Addendum (25/11/2012)

At the end of the highlights on Day 4 with Australia all over South Africa (77-4 from 50 overs in their 2nd innings), Ian Ward, seemingly having read my post, exclaims "Michael Clarke yet again thinking outside the box"!!!

Vikram Spotted In Aberdeen???

Aberdeen Council appear to have set up some idiot traps!!!

Is anyone willing to admit to this???

I suspect it might have been Vik visiting ex-Crosser Nipun???


The truth must out!!!


BBC Article

YouTube

Shifty the Craic Dealer???

Ma een near popped oot ma heid.

Shifty on the BBC

"Shifty, a young crack cocaine dealer in London, sees his life quickly spiral out of control when his best friend (Bates?) returns home"

"Packs a powerful punch"???

Shifty on IMDB

Next on Saturday, BBC2, 2330.

It's That Time On Friday Afternoon Again...

...but in the absence of enough cricket to prattle on about, here is some stuff from the multifarious sporting event taking part in the capital city of one of the countries in the UK (I don't think I'm allowed to say Olympics, doh!!!)

You will not be disappointed. Even if you've seen these already, I doubt you'll get tired of them.

Diving Faces

And just in case these aren't enough, how can you tire of wonderment for this pillock and his shenanigans????

Swinging Tool

Smudger's 2x30th In Photos

Father of the club

Smujinder 'Smudger' Smudgerjee celebrated graduation from the famous Holy Cross Youth Academy as he turned 3x20 at Arboretum Road's infamous Green Room Nightspot on Saturday night.

News had reached the capital that Lawrie's Third Army had defeated a Largo battalion in a stirring encounter at St Andrews in the only Cross game to reach a conclusion. Whilst Twitter reported that El Presidente had been hitting big 6's, there was also relief that after losing his only pair of cricket trousers, Coco had been forced to purchase a new pair and was therefore not playing in his golden budgie smugglers. It'd been mischievously suggested that his missing breeks had simply got up and scarpered of their own accord!!!

Golden Balls McGill back in '69

The 1st XI had returned early from Fettes after thrashing Grange 2's 204-0 in a one-sided affair where it would probably be fairer to mention that Grange never really got started in their innings. The 2's game, at the Fortress itself, also fell victim to this cantankerous jet stream silly bother we've been enduring of late. This ensured a prompt start to the binge drinking for both teams.

The distance of the 3's from the birthday shenanigans meant the party would have to wait for the dazzling social racontuerism of Messrs McGill & Robertson. In the meantime the legendary anecdotes were provided by the hippest swinger in the club, Mr G Lohan. The highlight was the discovery that "Paxman was my fag". Those of us educated by the council dared not ask for a layman's translation.

One of the things Gerry has smoked???

The 3's began to arrive back in instalments, generally in order of virility (I'll leave it to others to decide in which order). Their arrivals were interspersed with appearances by Honorary Legends such as Cartwright (senior) and Mair (available for selection, but not selected!!!).

Shifty - 5for in a break from filming

Eventually El Presidente and Coco joined proceedings and the real BS could begin. President Maradona was able to declare "this is finally the club I wished it to become" as young Gaware lit the presidential roll-up completely unrequested. It was made obvious that the drink was taking effect when Zggy Cydzk didn't even attempt to pronounce the name of a fellow cricketer - "that whotsisname" - also sporting a Polski surname.

It was also my pleasure (totally wasn't) to reunite McGill with his errant trews. They had been discovered earlier by poor Raja who had heard a low humming noise emitting from deep within his cricket bag. They had to be extracted at arms length and placed in a sealed container before immaturely falling into my possession as Dougie declared 'last bag packed has to take them', placing me at a distinct disadvantage being the only bag left unpacked.

All that remains to be divulged is this rather fetching snap taken anonymously at the end of the evening. Should any Smudger offspring be reading, I'd recommend going no further, or at the very least, scrolling down very slowly...

One for Mrs Smudger

Club About To Get A Whole Lot Uglier

As our former part-time skipper and easily the best looking dude on Planet Arbo (apologies Nozza) is about to take his winning smile to Madchester in pursuit of some golden shekels, I thought what better a time could there be to run through some photo's to remind us in years to come of his impact at our great club.

After leaving university, E.C. launched his crooning career via the star making vehicle X-Factor, the show we all know and love. With the surname Smith already taken, E.C. had to come up with something snazzy and chose to adopt the psuedonym Joe McElderry.

Fame came with its downside though. Often seen around the city in his little red 'rooster' extension the ladies began to swarm all over our innocent hero. Despite his apparent happiness in the photo above, these smiling eyes hide the pain of a man looking for more than 365 different lovers a year (?). Bad times and persistent hair loss were just around the corner.

Celebrities queued up to get a piece of the action. Here is our former skip in 2009 with Fauldhouse counterpart Gok Wan. Relations cooled when Wan criticised the size of our man's shovels during a Tea Break. Fellow first teamers of the time are still unsure if this is the "psycho bird" he used to refer to around this time.

Here is our departing friend cosying up to the ex-wife of sabbatical wicketkeeper, Si Hackering of Geordie Shore fame. The pair have always denied tabloid claims that they "did it in the boot of Smudgers Volvo" although alleged cctv footage does exist of nocturnal goings on in the 'Arbo container'.

In 2007 the Smith clan were rocked to their foundations when a long lost son of Smudger appeared. Here is E.C. with his half-brother D.J. Like Papa Smudger, they share a love of Barry Manilow, facial hair and crack cocaine.

Once the celebrity lifestyle spiralled out of control, close friends, family and Crossers were shocked to see the above photo appear on the front page of the now defunct News of the World. Summoned by El Presidente to the Green Room for urgent talks, E.C. agreed to leave the vacuous pop world behind and apply himself to the game of cricket.

Now crooning purely for fun in his spare time, E.C. has rediscovered what makes him tick. Mainly this is repeating his one shot whilst batting, bowling comedy wides or belting out Manilow hits on the top deck of the 27 bus. Recently E.C. vowed 'never to take a catch again' and stuck to his promise with a rotten drop v East Academy.

That's surely enough for now folks. Although we've lost two young Smith's in as many months, when E.C. was reminded that our Constitution declares Smudger must provide a male heir for selection, E.C. quipped "I'm sure the old man's loins are still fertile".

On that note...

Broken Records!!!

Stop me if you think you've heard this one before

There I was just minding my own business the other evening whilst out for a drive when I heard Ms Hannah Cockroft on the old wireless.

Who she???

For those of you not up to date on the latest minority sport news, Ms Cockroft, who won gold medals at 100m & 200m at last years World Championships, has broken a 100m wheelchair world record at the new Lympik Stadium (T34 class). Her account of events interested me muchly.

On the morning of the event the competitors were to be bussed to the stadium, however the bus crashed on the way to the hotel to pick up the athletes. So taxi's were summoned. Alack, none of the taxi's were big enough to take Ms Cockroft's racing chair!!! Things began to get fraught. She was panicking that she wouldn't get there on time for what would be her only opportunity to race in the stadium before the Paralympics.

Eventually they managed to pack her and her chair off to the Olympic Park. On arrival the Jobsworths protecting our freedom wouldn't let her through the security cordon. Just in the nick of time she made it inside. Afterwards she said;

"I missed the warm up and had to just get my numbers on and go straight onto the track. It was the worst preparation I'd ever had before a race, my head wasn't in the right place at all,".

Regular readers will now see where I'm going with this. Here is the formula.

Fraught Preparation + No Warm-up = New World Record!!!

Would any sports scientists care to explain this to me.

Here is a report from the BBC. The actual radio broadcast I listened to mused somewhat further on how a world record could be set with basically the opposite of what is 'accepted' preparation for best performance.

When the Frazerio Spring finally happens, I shall outlaw this dangerous and counter-productive practice of 'warming-up' prior to partaking in activity.

And a wee bonus for the over 35's (99% of the club?) with this classic VT.

Cup Final Pics

I've finally got round to getting the wife to plug the phone wire into the computer so I could download photos from our glorious slaying of National League crack outfit, Fauldhouse Victoria.

We pick up the action near the end with The Almighty Quinn smoting the cream of the opposition attack to all corners of the square!!!

Quinn proving he's not all wanton aggression as he displays the gamut of his repertoire.

Bonfire now and still no way through for FVCC. That's Arthur's Seat in the background. Was once three times the height it is now doncha know!!!

Meanwhile, the excitement beyond the rope is palpable. (rough order; Roshan, Bates, McGill, Michelle, E.C., Flynn, Maddog, Cydzk, CJE, Pope.)

Have some of that!!! A rare opportunity with the plank allows Bonfire to seal cup glory and spark scenes of unbridled joy down Arboretum way.

Trewartha masks his disappointment at missing out on another ton with the knowledge there's one more winners medal for the old trophy cabinet. Can't be far behind McGill now.

Cricket, the gentleman's game. No matter what happens on the field, win, lose, draw or abandoned, it's always handshakes and pleasantries as the teams leave the field!!!

Retro Skipper Dougie Russell accepts the trophy. That's not applause you can see, it was just so cold all the players were chittering uncontrollably.

Boring. Yadda yadda, something about the hosts, the oppo, the English and Bannockburn.

A fearsome mob, can this really be the greatest team in the clubs proud history?

Back Row: Fraser (crocked), Quinn, Mahzer, Roshan, Pope (wk), Cydzik, Bates, Ellis
Front Row: Trewartha, E.C. Smith, D Russell (c), Bonfield.

The Cup safely in the grasp of Cross Cup Final veteran and Man of the Match, Mr Shannon Bonfield.

Cross Nets

Holy Cross!!!

Those of you with a lower level of sophistication might see a simple picture of fishnet stockings, but if you look closer I believe time-served Crossers will immediately recognise the 'Cross Nets' connotations in this photo.

And with that subtle prompt, I would like to remind everyone that tomorrow is the final pre-season indoor net session.

Usual time, usual place.

At such an esteemed club as ourselves, every opportunity must be grabbed to attend nets as you never know when the next one might be. And although numbers have been almost acceptable so far, let's forego the temptations of Chelsea v Spurs (Sky Plus it) or shopping with the wife (tell where to stick it) and engage in some of the rusty hacking and blended frogging that passes for our practice.

Oh aye, one last thing, if anyone see's a Smith, let them know about nets too...

The Perils of Orthodox Thought

Inventor of Jogging - Deid

This lunch time Sky Sports News report that;

"now to England's opening tour match in Sri Lanka, Stuart Broad sprained his ankle during the warm-up and he didn't take part".

Knock me down with a medicine ball. I feel like a 'Galileo of fitness' swimming hopelessly against the orthodox view here.

Is it really worth risking these pre-match injury attempts or so-called warm-ups??? Excuse me for asking, but if warming-up is logical shouldn't there be a warm-up before you warm-up? And a warm-up before that? I could go on.

When would we have time to sit down folks, when would we actually sit down?????

If these fitness know-all's with their physiotherapy degrees and swathes of data still cannot be swayed, I urge all the non-evidence based opinion formers to heed the harsh lesson (almost) learned by Mr Jim Fixx, the infamous 'inventor' of jogging and writer of 1977's best selling 'Complete Book of Running'. This book is credited with 'helping start America's fitness revolution' (72 million obese in a recent head count). Try not to choke on your deep fried Twinkie's!!!

In what is also a dagger to the heart of Mensa, of whom Mr Fixx was a member, the poor man died of a heart attack at the age of 52 ... after his daily jog!!!!!

As the untouchable Bill Hicks once opined on the demise of Mr Fixx, "Keith Richards is still alive".

Now of course, I'm not one of these types wot just criticises whilst offering no alternative. I was pure delighted with the revelation in a recent Horizon on the BBC (still available on iPlayer via this link) called 'The Truth About Exercise' which suggested that 12 minutes of exercise a month is perfectly adequate. Alack, too late for poor Jimmy Fixx!!!

Here are a couple of great quotes from stupidgymshit.com

"Over the years I've witnessed two people rupture their Achilles tendon by doing something as simple as running in place with a high knee action"

"You'd be surprised how many people suffer injuries during their warm-up" (er, no I wouldn't).