The Smudger Chronicles continue

I always like to get something out on a Friday afternoon for those of you cooped up in offices awaiting when your numpty boss finally let's you go home at 5.

My new collaborator, The Loins of the Club, has been busy ploughing through more historical Ashes yarns so we can be regaled with some mirthsome miscellany. He's still on the chapter about the Big Ship era and sends me this. He also remembered to sign off properly this time without the need for me to add anything!!!

More about the Big Ship......
He captained Aus in 10 tests v England - won 8 drew 2 with one of the draws (at Manchester) an almost complete wash out.
On the voyage over, to keep to his fighting weight of 22 stone, he joined the crew in the engine room shovelling coal.
In one match, he caused a 'confabulation' when he thought Hobbs should have been given out and wasn't. Hobbs was out two balls later. Typically Surrey.
In another match, when Wooley was making his debut, he made the batsman wait for 15mins before bowling a ball. In those days, the bowler was allowed to warm up whenever he liked, so he went a few strips down and practiced bowling some balls. When they went to the fine leg boundary, the Aus fielders were in no hurry to retrieve and return the ball. Wooley made 8.
He was a good enough cricketer to do the 1000run - 100 wkt double on all 3 of his tours to England. In one, he made 2,000 runs & took 100wkts. The only tourist ever to have done so.
He was athletic enough to take 44 catches in tests, usually at mid off.
He wasn't a fan of the draw, believing that all tests should be played to a finish. In the drawn match at the Oval, he took himself out to the outfield and picked up a newspaper that had blown on to the field and started reading it. He said "wanted to know who we were playing".
When the England captain - the hon. Mr. A. Tennyson - declared, he stayed out on the pitch. The rules of the series stated that after rain, the batting side could not declare within 1hr 30 of the close. The hon. Tennyson was unaware of that, so everyone had to come out again. In doing so, he embarrassed the English establishment who were shocked that an uncouth, semi (state at that) educated colonial should know the rules better than their own chaps. The umpires further compounded the embarrassment by allowing him to resume bowling on restart. This meant he bowled two overs in a row.
On retiring he regularly wrote for the press, saying that Larwood and O'Reilly couldn't bowl and Bradman couldn't bat. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Bring back the draw and the back foot no ball.

If I don't see you before, have a Merry pinning a Jewish carpenter to a tree time and a Happy New hurtling 586, 920,000 miles or so around the sun.

2nd's v Penicuik (away)

Me next Saturday (Dougie keeping wicket)

When the 1's played at Marchmont a week past Saturday, I inside-edged the fastest ball of the season (at any level) onto my shin. It smarted somewhat (understatement) and has been playing up through various sizes and colours ever since, even necessitating a lovely wee trip to A&E (160 mins processing time, sort it out Broonster) to enquire as to the completeness or otherwise of the shinbone (technical term) last Monday evening (after 2 nights of drinking had failed to mend the injury).

Therefore I had to sit it out last weekend.

Even a strangulated text from the hero of the selection process claiming we were struggling for numbers (tell me something new) couldn't break my resolve. I was fairly confused about the enquiry "will you be fit enough for the 2's then?". Is anyone?? What is 2's fitness exactly??? Does 'Unfit for cricket' = '2nd team regular'????

In the meantime, the 3's game was abandoned a day early and so the availability issues must have eased.

Serendipitously the 2's were visiting my home village of Pennycook, somewhere underneath Edinburgh on the border of The Borders. Splendid I thought. A few cheap sherbets in a lovely setting whilst our battle hardened veterans smoted the countryside whippersnappers. The teas are usually well worth plundering too. All good. Might be worth getting injured more often...

As you drive up Kirkhill Road, you get a glimpse of the ground through the gate, before you pass the wall, view the field and then the scoreboard. As I passed the gate I caught site of a baggy green in the field. Must have won the toss looking to blast the home team to smithereens. Clever!!!

Past the wall and a quick neb at the scoreboard - WTF - PCC 40 odd for 1 chasing 61. Good grief, gadzooks and once more, WTF. I was out the car and hopping round to the scorehut faster than you could say Oscar Pistorius. Hector, a permanent fixture in the Penicuik scorehut, long ago christened 'Hectors Hoose', showed me the damage. Some of the top order had reached double figures, then the home side cheekily introduced a spinner called Pace who took 5-for and ripped through the Cross tail. Superted and all!!!

"Missing a few regulars?" Hector politely enquired. "Eh nut" I responded counting at least 7 bona fide 2nd team regulars in play.

My eyes didn't deceive me either, there were only 10 men. If the 3's were off, and the 2's had 10 men, and McGill wasn't one of them, it could only mean one thing. Yes, Colin McGill was surely deid. Reeling from this news I was distracted as the Cross made a breakthrough and a team mate of mine from my previous life at Kirkhill, Cliff Hutt, was sent back to the huttch (so sorry) by Lord Admin. Could our spinner now match the earlier feats of Mr Pace?

No, no he absolutely could not!!!

In no time Penicuik had passed the total. The only actual part of the play I can recall is the final ball when the scores were tied, bowled by Lord Admin. It arrived at the batsman about spam height and was hatcheted in the direction of midwicket. The batsmen didn't even need to run. Later, as I rammed a mini sausage roll into my gob, I enquired after Lord Admin "what was going on with that last ball ya fanny?". To which his Lordship responded "I thought if I'm ever going to bowl my wrong'un, that was the time". So next seasons Division 5 batsmen, you have been warned.

All over by 4pm.

After almost witnessing such a terrible performance, with some amount of trepidation I asked "are you guys safe". Being a serious situation, the actual meaning bypassed the downhearted troops, "oh yes" said Smujinder, "we've won all our home games and lost all our away games". Fortress Arbo indeed.

And which fate had befallen poor Coco??? It was more gruesome than I could ever have imagined. He'd been drafted into the 1's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dunfermline Knights v Holy Cross - Division 1, Saturday 26th May

Holy Cross 211-7 (50 overs).

Dunfermline Knights 212-4 (48.4 overs).

It's a hard knock life we live

Like a cricket team going to an away match, the 1st XI travelled to McKane Park in Dunfy on Saturday to challenge former National League side Dunfermline Knights in East League Division 1. The sky was blue, the sun was hot and the pitch was flat with a bit of grass that looked like it might give the bowlers some grip. A brisk easterly kept a lid on the true heat for most of the day blowing directly across the pitch and proceedings were overseen by two neutral umpires.

McOscar driving

Heated discussions took place pre-toss in the visitors dressing room as the Skipper insisted on batting, whilst his VC preferred putting the oppo in, skittling them, knocking off the runs and getting back on the road quicksharp.

McOscar defending

However the umpires coin awarded the decision to our hosts and the gentlemen with the local knowledge asked us to bat!!! A strange innings then ensued. Mahzer & Fraser led the Cross assault screaming to 24-0 after 3 overs on a pitch of little bounce. Pretty soon the Knights bowlers adjusted their radars and a period of bowling at the stumps contained a spell of 43-6 from the next 17 overs taking the visitors to 67-6 after 20. Then the recovery totalled 144-1 in the last 30 overs.

Probably the source of Shifty's finger injury

Fraser (11) was first to exit missing a straight one. Ellis (6) was next oot to a mildly contentious LBW (aren't they all?). E.C. Smith (1) followed soon after misjudging and playing over a yorker. Bonfield (5) kept the collapse going by edging one onto his pads and swallowing another LBW. Archer (Golden) didn't hang about at all on his first league knock falling to the same fate as Smith, nonetheless it was lovely to see him take part in his first Cross Collapse. Somewhere in amongst all that Owais (10) tried to clobber one a bit too far away from his body and it was taken nicely at extra cover. So there we were at 67-6 and in deep doodoo.

That said, we've been talking up, if not actually utilising an unfathomably long batting order this season. McOscar was joined by the skipper (a couple of tons as an opening bat) while Trewartha (sane), Gaware (mad) and El Presidente (unpredictable) lurked in the hutch. After a mini recovery and some nice shots from both swordsmen, Russell (12) was deceived by a quicker ball and bowled off his pads with the score on 96 in the 27th over.

McOscar lofts one straight

When the wickets were tumbling, the fielders, as you'd expect, were chirping with some gusto, but things were quietening down somewhat and were soon to become quieter still. McOscar was compiling a magnificent innings using his feet with eloquence and his bat with panache. Pretty soon Trewartha got his eye in too and Crossers began to hope 150 would be possible, then 180, then maybe even 200. But this pair just kept going, Gary was finding the extra cover boundary in particular with some sweet lofted drives whilst Simon was skipping freely down the track to despatch the fading bowlers to the boundary of his choice. Both remained unbeaten, McOscar never looking in trouble for an inspiring 109 and 40 for Trewartha that says to the skipper he's ready to move up the order.

Trewartha through cover

Tea was taken and I'll take this opportunity to commend the fantastic hospitality. From the fridge in the changing room to the majesty of the guard dog to the jam on the scones, we were looked after as well as we have been anywhere.

Big dug!!!

So with full bellies and gladdened hearts we took to the field for Dunfermline's innings with no shortage of confidence. The hosts weren't holding back though and quickly reached 21 before Bonfield enticed their lefty opener to mis-time a drive that Ellis pouched low at mid-on. This caused some damage to the paw of Ellis and he had to leave the field for a few overs to seek a replacement digit. The hosts continued apace reaching 55 before the busy number 3 arrived, splatted a couple, then left again when the rebuilt Ellis accounted for his wicket. Next over McOscar (replacing Bonfield) trapped the other opener at the 'LBW end'. At 55-3 after 16 overs we were right back in it. Davidson & Wilkinson then began to bed in and stop the rot. At Drinks, the hosts lagged a little behind the required run rate at 90-3 but it was anybodies game.

More offside show-offery

In the first over after Drinks Dougie shelled a c&b chance and not long after Shifty had to relinquish the gloves due to a "crunchy" finger injury. He was subsequently hidden at backward square leg and, as sure as night follows day, one was hit right down his throat (as they say) but his 9 good fingers couldn't compensate for the crunchy one and another chance was carpeted. Elsewhere Vikram's legendary groin began to play up restricting him to just 4 miserly overs.

Centurion

The two Dunfermline batsmen kept things ticking along nicely, the Cross bowlers never quite being able to string together enough good balls without the odd loose one thrown in. Needing 12 from the last three overs the home side looked for the finish allowing Bonfield to bowl Wilkinson round his legs for 57. Then in the 49th over Davidson (89*) picked out McOscar at Cow but once again the the ball was spilled and any slim chance that remained was gone as the hosts thundered past our total with a maximum the very next ball.

Trewartha 0-47, Bonfield 2-44, McOscar 1-41, Ellis 1-36, Russell 0-27, Gaware 0-11.

Back in the Green Room some of our newer recruits were treated to some of the legendary tales from yesteryore as King Coco recounted shenanigans from a small hamlet just along the east coast from the days when he worked as a lifeguard and gave more than just the kiss of life to bathers. We were also treated to accounts of both times he's combusted on the field of play. Later, the newest club legend made an appearance in his finest Saturday night attire on a brief break from the end of season rugger club dinner being held next door.

Caption competition...?