2nd's v Penicuik (away)

Me next Saturday (Dougie keeping wicket)

When the 1's played at Marchmont a week past Saturday, I inside-edged the fastest ball of the season (at any level) onto my shin. It smarted somewhat (understatement) and has been playing up through various sizes and colours ever since, even necessitating a lovely wee trip to A&E (160 mins processing time, sort it out Broonster) to enquire as to the completeness or otherwise of the shinbone (technical term) last Monday evening (after 2 nights of drinking had failed to mend the injury).

Therefore I had to sit it out last weekend.

Even a strangulated text from the hero of the selection process claiming we were struggling for numbers (tell me something new) couldn't break my resolve. I was fairly confused about the enquiry "will you be fit enough for the 2's then?". Is anyone?? What is 2's fitness exactly??? Does 'Unfit for cricket' = '2nd team regular'????

In the meantime, the 3's game was abandoned a day early and so the availability issues must have eased.

Serendipitously the 2's were visiting my home village of Pennycook, somewhere underneath Edinburgh on the border of The Borders. Splendid I thought. A few cheap sherbets in a lovely setting whilst our battle hardened veterans smoted the countryside whippersnappers. The teas are usually well worth plundering too. All good. Might be worth getting injured more often...

As you drive up Kirkhill Road, you get a glimpse of the ground through the gate, before you pass the wall, view the field and then the scoreboard. As I passed the gate I caught site of a baggy green in the field. Must have won the toss looking to blast the home team to smithereens. Clever!!!

Past the wall and a quick neb at the scoreboard - WTF - PCC 40 odd for 1 chasing 61. Good grief, gadzooks and once more, WTF. I was out the car and hopping round to the scorehut faster than you could say Oscar Pistorius. Hector, a permanent fixture in the Penicuik scorehut, long ago christened 'Hectors Hoose', showed me the damage. Some of the top order had reached double figures, then the home side cheekily introduced a spinner called Pace who took 5-for and ripped through the Cross tail. Superted and all!!!

"Missing a few regulars?" Hector politely enquired. "Eh nut" I responded counting at least 7 bona fide 2nd team regulars in play.

My eyes didn't deceive me either, there were only 10 men. If the 3's were off, and the 2's had 10 men, and McGill wasn't one of them, it could only mean one thing. Yes, Colin McGill was surely deid. Reeling from this news I was distracted as the Cross made a breakthrough and a team mate of mine from my previous life at Kirkhill, Cliff Hutt, was sent back to the huttch (so sorry) by Lord Admin. Could our spinner now match the earlier feats of Mr Pace?

No, no he absolutely could not!!!

In no time Penicuik had passed the total. The only actual part of the play I can recall is the final ball when the scores were tied, bowled by Lord Admin. It arrived at the batsman about spam height and was hatcheted in the direction of midwicket. The batsmen didn't even need to run. Later, as I rammed a mini sausage roll into my gob, I enquired after Lord Admin "what was going on with that last ball ya fanny?". To which his Lordship responded "I thought if I'm ever going to bowl my wrong'un, that was the time". So next seasons Division 5 batsmen, you have been warned.

All over by 4pm.

After almost witnessing such a terrible performance, with some amount of trepidation I asked "are you guys safe". Being a serious situation, the actual meaning bypassed the downhearted troops, "oh yes" said Smujinder, "we've won all our home games and lost all our away games". Fortress Arbo indeed.

And which fate had befallen poor Coco??? It was more gruesome than I could ever have imagined. He'd been drafted into the 1's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Silence Of The Lambs

The Bish

Largo visited Arboretum on Saturday scrapping for their first division lives. However the hosts continued to show the form that has driven them onwards and upwards this season and showed no mercy to the promising, but ultimately too inexperienced visitors.

The Cross batted first on a bogeyish track (soft, green & a bit runny) that required application from the batsmen. Well, ordinary batsmen. Rintoul, opening the bowling from the North Pole end, chided Owais for not being able to reach a wide in a surreal attempt to draw the batsmen into a war of words. Mazher’s response was to let his back take the flak and his bat do the chat. Owais appears to play the game on a strip of his own blasting his way to 22 from 17 balls before mistiming one of his booming off-drives to mid off. A little appetiser before the main course on Sunday as it turned out.

Future Hall-of-Famer, Ellis Jr joined the entrenched KF, who continued in a sort of supporting role before being emptied by “probably the ball of the decade” (my words) in the 23^rd over with the score on 79 for an unattractive 20 from 64 balls. This brought the skipper into the middle.

CJE, already in his stride and ECS building steadily began to put a really solid platform in place. Whilst the young Largo bowlers lacked any real bite (plenty bark), Frohlich apart, they showed good control and excellent variation to keep our 3 & 4 honest. Over time, our patience was rewarded. 200 would’ve been nice, 220 probably more than enough and anything else a bonus.

As the Largo kids began to wilt, the skipper in particular punished any loose balls. Charles was next to fall as we moved up through the gears for 85. Shannon added 17 in no time, refusing to face a dot ball for most of it, giving Spickers three deliveries at the end to make 2 not out. The skipper meanwhile stayed right to the end, succumbing only to a suicidal run out off the last ball. His knock of 78 included 4 (four, yes FOUR) maximum’s, three of which received heckles from the non-striker that he only had one shot. The 4^th six dispelled such notions disappearing back over the bowlers head.

The innings came to rest at 238-5. This after passing 100 in the 32^nd over illustrates how well we built on a solid start. I was impressed with the crop of Largo youngsters who all bowled and fielded well.  I’m going to mention Ryan Brown (7-1-31-0) in particular, but that’s a little unfair on the rest. They’ll be a much tastier adversary in 3 or 4 years time as, I’m led to believe, they have plenty more youngsters throughout their 4 XI’s.

After another fine Tea by Eminem, Smith opted to open with Bimboridge at the South Pole End. He struck with his third ball getting Speering to ‘do a Ziggy’, raising arms to a jab-backer that clipped the off peg. If not a fatal blow to the reply, it sprang a proverbial leak at the waterline.

The other opener was soon removed by The Bimbo (10-1-30-4) before, in one fine spell, a trail of destruction was scorched through the Fifers middle order by our own Fifer, Gary T (10-2-23-4).

Bonfield (9-1-22-0) used his two spells to write another thrilling chapter in his 1,001 Ways To Avoid Taking A Wicket. It fell to third change chucker, auxiliary Bishop Lynch (5.3-0-11-2) to bounce out the last two little lambs, both pouched behind by the ever reliable voice mail interceptor, Si Hackering.

Dougie (3-0-12-0) was the only other chucker on the day. 100 all out and more points in the bank as we look for our best league finish in over a decade.

Pictures from Cross v Casuals now online!

Usama has an interesting bowling technique!

Pictures from FortressArbo are now available via Broonster's Facebook