All Hong Sao Shi Zi Tou's are on Michael

Sometimes whilst out and about around this great nation, one stumbles upon something that, for some reason, invokes a little smile.

He kept this quiet

Unsure quite what to do with this photo, or even why it contains humour, I submit it as part of our erstwhile caption competition.


I'll kick us off with the somewhat clunky:

"All Hong Sao Shi Zi Tou's are on Michael"

One spinner or two???

Meet England's new coach???

So, hands up anyone who would pick just one spin bowler in a Test Match in India? Anyone?? Don't worry, if you're stupid enough to think it's a good idea you could either be coach or captain of the England test side. Mind you, although Cooky and Flowery (has to be his nickname) thought it was the way to go, the 9 wicket defeat or 330 run deficit after the first innings in the 1st Test might have yielded a small clue.

Although I can't find the exact quote (hold on to your hats, I'm not a proper journalist), Sky's coverage told me earlier that none other than Shane Warney commented upon the 1st Test that if England weren't going to pick Panesar for that Test Match, when were they ever going to pick him? Too true.

Now I may be out of order, maybe Cooky or Flowery might know more about spin bowling than Warney. But Liz Hurley probably knows you need more than one spinner in India. It should be a sackable offence to not know this. It's akin to Levein playing without a striker in Prague (even Liz knows you always need two big strikers up front).

So onwards to the 2nd Test where Broady is a fitness doubt and every other English seamer bar Anderson is lame. And what amazing tactical innovation do England come up with? Well they go crazymadferrit and pick Monty AND Swanny. The audacity! The sheer ostentation!! Hallelujah!!!

But hold the fireworks, what are these sneaky Indian's up to. OMG they've gone for three (THREE) whole spinners in just one team. Wackier still, one of them will have to open the bowling. OMGx2. Just fancy that? Is this allowed says an old duffer choking on his Pimm's in the Long Room. Meanwhile, back at Castle Frazerio, I despair.

I'll make my view crystal clear. The four best spin bowlers in England right now should be in that Test XI. There is no sane argument against this. Not sure about that I hear you insanely say. OK. Chew on these series aggregates for the England bowlers in India so far:

(Overs/Maidens/Runs/Wickets)
Seamers   96   14   354    2   (r/r - 3.69, s/r 1 wkt every 288 balls)
Spinners  154  25   421   12  (r/r - 2.73, s/r 1 wkt every 77 balls)

If they played four spinners and they performed to those averages (those spin stats include part timers Patel & Pietersen too) and then someone said 'bring back Broad, Bresnan and Anderson in place of these keepin-it-tight-wicket-takers, you'd be locked up. And yet, that's where we seem to be.

I showed these numbers to a fish and even it laughed. Flowery & Cooky think a half fit and visibly floundering Stuart Broady (series figures so far 36-2-157-0) is the correct choice. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Why was only one spinner picked for the 1st Test? Why have only two been picked for the 2nd Test? Why are seamers getting picked at all?

For me the answer arrived not long after stumps in Mumbai when the highlights of Austrai'a v Safrica were broadcast. Safrica had finished 2-217. The first wicket was a run out. Aussie skipper Clarke used 8 bowlers in the day with 7th bowler Warner (David) taking the only other scalp. Yes, the Aussies couldn't take a wicket so their skipper went through every man and his dog to try and buy a wicket and lo and behold found one with his 6th change bowler.

Sky anchor, Ian Ward (5 Test matches for the Motherland) snidely commented on the in form Clarke 'inventive captaincy, or just running out of ideas'. I splurted my porridge down my jammies at that.

Mr Ward, let me say that Clarke's captaincy is the epitome of the exact opposite of running out of ideas. If you want to talk about running out of ideas, or better still, not having a clue, look at the English team selection and go no further.

Incidentally, Clarke once took 6-9 in a Test in India. England's seamers can't take 6-900.

If you can't take a wicket, try another bowler. If you are playing in India, only pick spinners. Stop thinking like it's 1951. England need to be able to think out of the box, or if they're incapable, listen to the likes of Shane Warne, if I can hear him, surely Flowery & Cooky can too.

Rant over.

Addendum (25/11/2012)

At the end of the highlights on Day 4 with Australia all over South Africa (77-4 from 50 overs in their 2nd innings), Ian Ward, seemingly having read my post, exclaims "Michael Clarke yet again thinking outside the box"!!!

2nd XI - The Captaincy Question

Considering it

New Odds Added (at the end)

Other clubs might call it disarray, for us it's just another close season.

With the 1st XI skipper renouncing his role at the end of the season (his temperature was up (no really), we're waiting til it comes down a bit before asking him again), speculation is rife that there will also be a vacancy at the top of the 2's.

As shall soon be customary, I've therefore decided to offer a guide for all interested parties on the movers and shakers no doubt gearing up to throw their Baggy Green into the ring.

The Loins of Peffermill

El Presidente (above) - 1-2
It's his club and he runs it with a fist of bone china. So if he wants to be captain, no doubt he will be. While he once shot at reporters in his Napoli days, nowadays his various enemies keep taking him out for weeks on end with sniper shots from range. But availability is no barrier to assuming office, indeed, not showing up increases your chances of election twofold. And with a Maradona Jr looking for a nice inheritance in the not too distant future, promising to get the 2's back into Div 4 might rally supporters behind him.


Smujinder Smudgerjee - Evens
With Smith's recently deserting the club in droves it might be possible to railroad the loins of Peffermill into another season at the helm of our middle team. In fact if he was to be skipper, he might end up captaining less games than he ends up doing when he's not skipper. Prudent Crossers may wish to hold him in reserve for whenever whoever is appointed as captain goes awol after a couple of pre-season nets.

Brian gives it the Blue Steel

Beef Raiser - Evens
No, he's not a cattle botherer, but some mad rumours seem to be suggesting that 2012's Most Improved Player could form a so-called 'dream ticket' with the veteran Smujinder Smudgerjee. That this statement alone might induce bruising on the erstwhile 2's opener might throw his fledgling candidacy into doubt, but if Titt Robme is in with a serious chance of entering the White House, why not an Evans/Houlier type arrangement at Arbo.

The Zigster on a weeknight

Cydzk 'Zggy' Nzlm - 3-1
The man who was from Poland before it became fashionable is attracted to the 2's captaincy like a fly is to shhhhhhhhhhhhould he be able to stay away from the internet where heartfelt plea-rants became his trademark, there wouldn't be too many people would complain (one would for sure, but that fight will be on the undercard of the match-up I mention later).

Biswas mk II

Vikrambrose Gawarawalapindi Express - 5-1
This is not a popularity contest or Vik would be a shoo-in along with A Graham for all offices requiring a Hawaiian shirt. Was recently declared fit again after an April-August injury kept him on the sidelines massaging a massive lump on his groin. Could set Division 5, 4, 3 & 2 alight if given the chance.

Bimbo recently

Papa Bimboridge - 8-1
With his Arbo career in freefall, a fact he cannot deny, the 2's are a realistic prospect for the 2011 arm wrestling champion. A wee stint as captain might soften the blow and even inspire the next generation of youngsters (under 35's) as he recruits them to play from his work. Headlines such as 'Bimbo's Babes' or 'Rob's Hearthrobs' might not be far away as the 2's get turned into the best looking side in Edinburgh.

How he might have looked

Rozzer Webb (of criminality) - 12-1
It began so well too. Time will tell if it has ended in ignominy, or if this is just a sort of Kevin Pietersen moment in his Cross career. Once the taker of flying catches, Rozzer had channelled his efforts towards becoming an elite sportsman who could represent his country on the pool table, instead some neds multiplied by his gargantuan steroid intake brought it all crashing down. Will his tenure be remembered as a 'What if', or can he turn back the clock, re-stand for office and redeem his reputation?

Currently on the US side of things

Kwinny - 16-1
Unusually for a Crosser, Kwinny has tailored his foreign excursions to match the close season as much as possible. This is so unusual we can only view it with rampant suspicion. What are we finally doing right that makes people want to stay? Does it mean that despite his canny insistence that he has no captainly ambitions, that indeed is exactly what he has his eye on. I'm tempted to take him at face value, but you really have to watch these humans, they're a right untrustworthy breed.


Lord Admin - 20-1

Lord Admin dresses down

Taking a break from filming the latest Thick of It, Lord Admin took the time to completely deny he'd ever want to take control of such a shower of "you types". His 100% attendance record at AGM's would make it quite difficult to sneakily elect him. Of course, since buying out the East League, Admin may have other fish to fry and see the 2's job as an inconvenience on his way to world domination.


McDougie McRussell - 25-1

Temper

After the earlier revelations that the 1's was too big a job for him (again), who can rule out a promotion to 2nd XI skip for the thinking man's radge? Not only can he bat and bowl, turns out he can keep a bit too (only a bit). Once he adds fielding and captaincy skills to his game, he might be one for the future. Once they start to grow spare human knee ligaments in laboratories, a national call-up might even be possible.

Hey gorgeous, they call me Cocko

Cocko McGill - 50-1
Known to the authorities as Carlos the Jackal, Cocko has been keeping a lower profile of late, consciously scoring less runs and keeping wicket taking to a minimum. This might be down to US drone policy and his international fugitive status or more likely just this blimmin rain. With only two stated goals for 2013, the first being getting back into the 2's, the second being taking his offspring tally into 3 figures, it's up to you to decide which is more realistic.

Coastal Erosion

Ken Troversial - 66-1
Coastal Ken is what's known in certain perverted circles as a dotball fetishist. It stems from a medical condition best described as an immunity to boredom. Casual observers might just glance at his score's of 0, 0, 1, 3, 0, 11, 0 and think 'not a bad Cross bat at all', but keener observers would look at how many balls he took to NOT get off the mark and realise there is incredible skill not just in not scoring a run on purpose, but shutting down all avenues of potential mis-scoring opportunities such as inside edges, leg byes incorrectly awarded to the batsman or overthrows. His feats and his dedication to their continuance are truly mind-boggling. About time he was dropped back down to the 2's.


McScotty McRussell - 75-1

The easier going one of the two brothers

News that McDougie is in with a shout will surely reach the ears of serial club-founder, former 2's skipper (who isn't?) and a gentleman ably designed for 2's captaincy. Completely welcome and totally barred from every club in the land, the management committee would have to OK his candidacy. Working on some sort of f-ed up quantum level he can both build the club up to levels of incredible success and destroy it. As this often happens simultaneously, most folk think things are ticking along normally. Just like the quantum physics illusion of reality.

Where to begin?

Maggie Broonster - 100-1
Sister of tea lady Mandy Broon and official club photo-chronicler, odds of 100-1 might be bargain of the century. The man who out rent boys the rent boys in the fashion stakes seems to possess absolutely zero shame (see photo). Vying with Wusrnip as the Crosser most likely to be on the box, Broonster could be a man going places. Where, I really don't know, but I think he has a bus pass and I suspect he's familiar with the 35. Successful election may rely on whether he can deliver the new bar/changing room/swimming pool complex he's secretly drawn up.


Smokin Hottie - 250-1

Smokeless ciggies, what next, non alcoholic lager???

Oh yeah, she's back. In the continuing absence of gratuitous sexism on this blog, I am led to believe that Ms S Hottie might be showing an interest in the 2's vacancy. Still banging the populist drum (not a euphemism) this er, smokin hottie believes in smoking as you play, the sort of hot topic that might end with the PVB v Coco Mixed Martial Arts match up we've all been waiting on for too long.

Killer by name, killer by nature

Further odds available on request.

NEW ODDS ADDED

Andy 'The' Killer - 75-1
At inter-school sports, when the oppo rugger team turned up you'd often be quaking in your boots at how good they looked or mostly how much bigger they were with no actual skill evidence. The Killer has both these bases and more covered. Not only is he the tallest man on the planet, he looks like he'd be a good player before you've even seen him tie his laces. On top of that, he is a dead ringer for a former English international fast bowler. No, not Devon Malcolm...

The Silence Of The Lambs

The Bish

Largo visited Arboretum on Saturday scrapping for their first division lives. However the hosts continued to show the form that has driven them onwards and upwards this season and showed no mercy to the promising, but ultimately too inexperienced visitors.

The Cross batted first on a bogeyish track (soft, green & a bit runny) that required application from the batsmen. Well, ordinary batsmen. Rintoul, opening the bowling from the North Pole end, chided Owais for not being able to reach a wide in a surreal attempt to draw the batsmen into a war of words. Mazher’s response was to let his back take the flak and his bat do the chat. Owais appears to play the game on a strip of his own blasting his way to 22 from 17 balls before mistiming one of his booming off-drives to mid off. A little appetiser before the main course on Sunday as it turned out.

Future Hall-of-Famer, Ellis Jr joined the entrenched KF, who continued in a sort of supporting role before being emptied by “probably the ball of the decade” (my words) in the 23^rd over with the score on 79 for an unattractive 20 from 64 balls. This brought the skipper into the middle.

CJE, already in his stride and ECS building steadily began to put a really solid platform in place. Whilst the young Largo bowlers lacked any real bite (plenty bark), Frohlich apart, they showed good control and excellent variation to keep our 3 & 4 honest. Over time, our patience was rewarded. 200 would’ve been nice, 220 probably more than enough and anything else a bonus.

As the Largo kids began to wilt, the skipper in particular punished any loose balls. Charles was next to fall as we moved up through the gears for 85. Shannon added 17 in no time, refusing to face a dot ball for most of it, giving Spickers three deliveries at the end to make 2 not out. The skipper meanwhile stayed right to the end, succumbing only to a suicidal run out off the last ball. His knock of 78 included 4 (four, yes FOUR) maximum’s, three of which received heckles from the non-striker that he only had one shot. The 4^th six dispelled such notions disappearing back over the bowlers head.

The innings came to rest at 238-5. This after passing 100 in the 32^nd over illustrates how well we built on a solid start. I was impressed with the crop of Largo youngsters who all bowled and fielded well.  I’m going to mention Ryan Brown (7-1-31-0) in particular, but that’s a little unfair on the rest. They’ll be a much tastier adversary in 3 or 4 years time as, I’m led to believe, they have plenty more youngsters throughout their 4 XI’s.

After another fine Tea by Eminem, Smith opted to open with Bimboridge at the South Pole End. He struck with his third ball getting Speering to ‘do a Ziggy’, raising arms to a jab-backer that clipped the off peg. If not a fatal blow to the reply, it sprang a proverbial leak at the waterline.

The other opener was soon removed by The Bimbo (10-1-30-4) before, in one fine spell, a trail of destruction was scorched through the Fifers middle order by our own Fifer, Gary T (10-2-23-4).

Bonfield (9-1-22-0) used his two spells to write another thrilling chapter in his 1,001 Ways To Avoid Taking A Wicket. It fell to third change chucker, auxiliary Bishop Lynch (5.3-0-11-2) to bounce out the last two little lambs, both pouched behind by the ever reliable voice mail interceptor, Si Hackering.

Dougie (3-0-12-0) was the only other chucker on the day. 100 all out and more points in the bank as we look for our best league finish in over a decade.

1st XI v Boroughmuir (including full match highlights)

On the way to Arbo on Saturday I was surprised my canoe wasn't inundated as I negotiated the Morningside rapids, however by the time I reached Loch Tollcross the monsoon had subsided a little and I could see where I was going again. As I pulled my vessel ashore at Arboretum Island I was incredulous to see the top of some stumps just above the waterline where the square once was.  Assured that the pitch was "hard underneath" we decided not to let a little bit of surface water put us off. Also, with various bowlers trying to break into our West Indian pace quartet, it would also have been handy to injure at least one, if not both of two of the present quartet, Lynch & Bainbridge, to ease future selection issues.

Despite the horrific batting conditions, the slow outfield and the idea that the pitch could only improve as the day wore on, skipper Smith still decided to put the oppo in when he won the toss, a u-turn on his previous double-bluff policy of insisting on the hardest course of action for his battle hardened team.


Promising youngster Lynch opened up at the Harbour End and using a dark red rubber duck, like some prehistoric God, he managed to extract some life from the bog of primordial soup. One mistimed hook shot was skyed, landing just short of fine leg, there was a great appeal for LBW and young Pat was looking forward to his second over.


Alack, Australians it seems are made of sterner stuff than their Anglo forefathers (or at least, their boots are).  Bambi (shurely Bimbo?) skited in from the Castle End managing two deliveries with relative assurance before the third ended in near tragedy.


Like Ronaldo running past an outstretched boot, Bainbro began a protracted and motion-heavy descent to the deck. The resulting wave shook boats loose from their moorings at Rosyth, but the Bimbo refused to stay down (because he would have drowned) and swam straight back to his feet.


As usual, the batsmen were coping fine in the conditions, but the bowlers, the poor delicate precious bowlers had to be protected. The skippers had a quick discussion and to abate any further high pitched whinging from Dougie et al, it was decided that with nine balls bowled, eight runs, nay wickets, the game was up the bogey.


Full match highlights here

Annual Holy Cross BBQ - Early Warning!!

In a blatant and gratuitous attempt to grab your attention I'm taking the bold effort of announcing the date for the annual club BBQ early as opposed to the traditional 3 days beforehand.

It seems the fixture list has declared 30th of July to be the auspicious date when all teams play in closest proximity to each other.

As always it is an open event and with this much notice there no excuses for not bringing your partner, kids or friends along. *

* The club accepts no responsibility for the fallout of your partner discovering how and with who you spend so much of your precious summers weekends.

Cricket Films at the Cameo

Crossers might well be interested to know that next week sees the release of not one but two Cricket related films at the Cameo.

First up on Tuesday 10th May at 19.50 is From the Ashes:

http://www.picturehouses.co.uk/cinema/Cameo_Picturehouse/film/From_The_Ashes/

Which also features a live video link up Q and A with Ian Botham and Dickie Bird at the end.

Then on Thursday 12th May at 20.35 the long awaited Fire in Babylon:

http://www.picturehouses.co.uk/cinema/Cameo_Picturehouse/News/Item/Live_Satellite_Q_A_With_Sir_Viv_Richards/

With a live Q and A with Viv Richards.

Amazing eh, you wait 32 years for a decent cricket film and two come along at once. You should have seen the look on my misses face when I asked her if she wanted to go to the cinema on Tuesday and/or Thursday.................oooh what to see she said!

Who is up for it then?

Mad Man Attempts Dangerous Stunt

The image above is not a product of photoshopping; this man really is just about to attempt to drive a powerful petrol-driven mower into the boot of his car!

We have not been permitted to show further photos or indicate whether the attempt was successful - in order that this respected blog is not seen to be encouraging such reckless behaviour.