Democratic Deficit

Crossers will be shocked to learn of Keith Flannigan's election to the post of President of Watsonians CC. Not that this fine gent has been deemed worthy of such high office but by the notion that cricket club Presidents are elected...

2nd XI - The Captaincy Question

Considering it

New Odds Added (at the end)

Other clubs might call it disarray, for us it's just another close season.

With the 1st XI skipper renouncing his role at the end of the season (his temperature was up (no really), we're waiting til it comes down a bit before asking him again), speculation is rife that there will also be a vacancy at the top of the 2's.

As shall soon be customary, I've therefore decided to offer a guide for all interested parties on the movers and shakers no doubt gearing up to throw their Baggy Green into the ring.

The Loins of Peffermill

El Presidente (above) - 1-2
It's his club and he runs it with a fist of bone china. So if he wants to be captain, no doubt he will be. While he once shot at reporters in his Napoli days, nowadays his various enemies keep taking him out for weeks on end with sniper shots from range. But availability is no barrier to assuming office, indeed, not showing up increases your chances of election twofold. And with a Maradona Jr looking for a nice inheritance in the not too distant future, promising to get the 2's back into Div 4 might rally supporters behind him.


Smujinder Smudgerjee - Evens
With Smith's recently deserting the club in droves it might be possible to railroad the loins of Peffermill into another season at the helm of our middle team. In fact if he was to be skipper, he might end up captaining less games than he ends up doing when he's not skipper. Prudent Crossers may wish to hold him in reserve for whenever whoever is appointed as captain goes awol after a couple of pre-season nets.

Brian gives it the Blue Steel

Beef Raiser - Evens
No, he's not a cattle botherer, but some mad rumours seem to be suggesting that 2012's Most Improved Player could form a so-called 'dream ticket' with the veteran Smujinder Smudgerjee. That this statement alone might induce bruising on the erstwhile 2's opener might throw his fledgling candidacy into doubt, but if Titt Robme is in with a serious chance of entering the White House, why not an Evans/Houlier type arrangement at Arbo.

The Zigster on a weeknight

Cydzk 'Zggy' Nzlm - 3-1
The man who was from Poland before it became fashionable is attracted to the 2's captaincy like a fly is to shhhhhhhhhhhhould he be able to stay away from the internet where heartfelt plea-rants became his trademark, there wouldn't be too many people would complain (one would for sure, but that fight will be on the undercard of the match-up I mention later).

Biswas mk II

Vikrambrose Gawarawalapindi Express - 5-1
This is not a popularity contest or Vik would be a shoo-in along with A Graham for all offices requiring a Hawaiian shirt. Was recently declared fit again after an April-August injury kept him on the sidelines massaging a massive lump on his groin. Could set Division 5, 4, 3 & 2 alight if given the chance.

Bimbo recently

Papa Bimboridge - 8-1
With his Arbo career in freefall, a fact he cannot deny, the 2's are a realistic prospect for the 2011 arm wrestling champion. A wee stint as captain might soften the blow and even inspire the next generation of youngsters (under 35's) as he recruits them to play from his work. Headlines such as 'Bimbo's Babes' or 'Rob's Hearthrobs' might not be far away as the 2's get turned into the best looking side in Edinburgh.

How he might have looked

Rozzer Webb (of criminality) - 12-1
It began so well too. Time will tell if it has ended in ignominy, or if this is just a sort of Kevin Pietersen moment in his Cross career. Once the taker of flying catches, Rozzer had channelled his efforts towards becoming an elite sportsman who could represent his country on the pool table, instead some neds multiplied by his gargantuan steroid intake brought it all crashing down. Will his tenure be remembered as a 'What if', or can he turn back the clock, re-stand for office and redeem his reputation?

Currently on the US side of things

Kwinny - 16-1
Unusually for a Crosser, Kwinny has tailored his foreign excursions to match the close season as much as possible. This is so unusual we can only view it with rampant suspicion. What are we finally doing right that makes people want to stay? Does it mean that despite his canny insistence that he has no captainly ambitions, that indeed is exactly what he has his eye on. I'm tempted to take him at face value, but you really have to watch these humans, they're a right untrustworthy breed.


Lord Admin - 20-1

Lord Admin dresses down

Taking a break from filming the latest Thick of It, Lord Admin took the time to completely deny he'd ever want to take control of such a shower of "you types". His 100% attendance record at AGM's would make it quite difficult to sneakily elect him. Of course, since buying out the East League, Admin may have other fish to fry and see the 2's job as an inconvenience on his way to world domination.


McDougie McRussell - 25-1

Temper

After the earlier revelations that the 1's was too big a job for him (again), who can rule out a promotion to 2nd XI skip for the thinking man's radge? Not only can he bat and bowl, turns out he can keep a bit too (only a bit). Once he adds fielding and captaincy skills to his game, he might be one for the future. Once they start to grow spare human knee ligaments in laboratories, a national call-up might even be possible.

Hey gorgeous, they call me Cocko

Cocko McGill - 50-1
Known to the authorities as Carlos the Jackal, Cocko has been keeping a lower profile of late, consciously scoring less runs and keeping wicket taking to a minimum. This might be down to US drone policy and his international fugitive status or more likely just this blimmin rain. With only two stated goals for 2013, the first being getting back into the 2's, the second being taking his offspring tally into 3 figures, it's up to you to decide which is more realistic.

Coastal Erosion

Ken Troversial - 66-1
Coastal Ken is what's known in certain perverted circles as a dotball fetishist. It stems from a medical condition best described as an immunity to boredom. Casual observers might just glance at his score's of 0, 0, 1, 3, 0, 11, 0 and think 'not a bad Cross bat at all', but keener observers would look at how many balls he took to NOT get off the mark and realise there is incredible skill not just in not scoring a run on purpose, but shutting down all avenues of potential mis-scoring opportunities such as inside edges, leg byes incorrectly awarded to the batsman or overthrows. His feats and his dedication to their continuance are truly mind-boggling. About time he was dropped back down to the 2's.


McScotty McRussell - 75-1

The easier going one of the two brothers

News that McDougie is in with a shout will surely reach the ears of serial club-founder, former 2's skipper (who isn't?) and a gentleman ably designed for 2's captaincy. Completely welcome and totally barred from every club in the land, the management committee would have to OK his candidacy. Working on some sort of f-ed up quantum level he can both build the club up to levels of incredible success and destroy it. As this often happens simultaneously, most folk think things are ticking along normally. Just like the quantum physics illusion of reality.

Where to begin?

Maggie Broonster - 100-1
Sister of tea lady Mandy Broon and official club photo-chronicler, odds of 100-1 might be bargain of the century. The man who out rent boys the rent boys in the fashion stakes seems to possess absolutely zero shame (see photo). Vying with Wusrnip as the Crosser most likely to be on the box, Broonster could be a man going places. Where, I really don't know, but I think he has a bus pass and I suspect he's familiar with the 35. Successful election may rely on whether he can deliver the new bar/changing room/swimming pool complex he's secretly drawn up.


Smokin Hottie - 250-1

Smokeless ciggies, what next, non alcoholic lager???

Oh yeah, she's back. In the continuing absence of gratuitous sexism on this blog, I am led to believe that Ms S Hottie might be showing an interest in the 2's vacancy. Still banging the populist drum (not a euphemism) this er, smokin hottie believes in smoking as you play, the sort of hot topic that might end with the PVB v Coco Mixed Martial Arts match up we've all been waiting on for too long.

Killer by name, killer by nature

Further odds available on request.

NEW ODDS ADDED

Andy 'The' Killer - 75-1
At inter-school sports, when the oppo rugger team turned up you'd often be quaking in your boots at how good they looked or mostly how much bigger they were with no actual skill evidence. The Killer has both these bases and more covered. Not only is he the tallest man on the planet, he looks like he'd be a good player before you've even seen him tie his laces. On top of that, he is a dead ringer for a former English international fast bowler. No, not Devon Malcolm...

Disappointment as AGM doesn't coincide with Scotland playing in 6 Nations

Two posts in a row without any visual stimulation??? There shall be no hat-trick for the texties on my watch!!!

Be there or be compost

For anyone new to Presidential re-elections (HX AGM's), here is a photo of last years stitch-up. The Green Room seldom looks this good. Although there is nothing at all sinister in these jovial gatherings, Messrs Astley & Dannreuther have not been heard from since when they were rumoured to have 'apologised' for their non-attendance and 'left' the club.

El Presidente may come across as a happy-go-lucky, port swilling, be-bearded, gardening teddy bear, but the evil capitalist oinker that he has tried to stuff deep back inside can rear it's ugly head without any warning. It is my understanding that poor Roland (who survived a brush with Patsy Putin) is pushing up the begonia's in Shifty's new town allotment whilst The Good Doctor gets a monthly rotate in the Presidential Compost Heap.

Dearest Leader ever

Those previous Presidential Elections results in full:
(Candidates ~ share of vote)


2008
E Presidente ~ 106% (record share topped up with postal votes)
S Russell ~ 2% (dispatched East to Siberiapans)


2009
E Presidente ~ 112% (record share of the vote as popularity rises)
D Craig ~ 0% (banned from the club sine die)



2010
E Presidente ~ 107% (obviously thought 2009 winning margin may be viewed as suspicious)
S Saunders ~ -3% (told to go away, but likely to turn up out of the blue at any time)



2011
E Presidente ~ 118% (record breaking share of the vote)
M Din ~ 3% (greatest ever runner up score, but record margin of defeat to boot)

Crossers Are Revolting

Fidel - not serious enough!!!

Late last season I was set the task of sorting out the apparent shambles that's being made of the way things are run by our democratically elected representatives. My response was that when the Uni-educated intelligentsia are asking unemployed slackers to come up with answers, we must be in even more trouble than we thought. The intelligentsia replied that a certain Karl Marx was unemployed when he came up with his stuff, and so I set to work.

I'm nearing the completion of my Masterplan (don't worry Mr Admin, I'll email it rather than post it here), but as a taster, I thought I'd leak my Interim Cabinet to the public. I've been delighted to be able to populate my Revolutionary Government almost entirely with noble Brothers of the Cross. In fact, I suspect we'd possibly make a better government than cricket team!!!

I would also like to make it clear that availability issues shall not be tolerated. Once selected for your country, you must serve. This isn't a dumb system where egotistical power-hungry megalomaniac's are allowed to fight tooth and nail to gain office through a 'democratic' process. This system relies on your Benevolent Dictator (me of course) picking the best talent and getting the job done good and proper!!!

One Country

Many Regions

The only actual politics I'll state as a precursor to understanding the appointments is, the UK shall remain as a whole (see physical map (left)), but it shall be devolved (see political map (right)). This logic shall, in due course be applied to the Island of West Britain, as yet I'm undecided whether to give the north back to the south, or whether to annex the whole flamin lot of it!!! Either way, you just know they won't be happy.





Head of State
Ceremonial Queen - King Alex (House of Salmond)
Ceremonial Heiress - Prince Colin (House of McGill)
Welcome to your new royal family. They are purely ribbon-cutters and hand shakers and must travel around together at all times in case there's an accident!!! Also, until we come up with a system for selecting these puppets, Prince Tommy (House of Sheridan) is 1st reserve as soon as he is released from the clink for bringing down the News of the World (I still don't understand how Sheridan lied and got the jail, whilst Bird, Coulson etc also lied but walked free, but hey, our Revolucion will stop such injustices occurring in future).

Head of Government
Party Chairdude - J.K. Fraser
Deputy Chairdude - M Broonster

Treasury
Chancellor of the Exchequer - Mr Admin

• Chief Secretary to the Treasury - C.O. Smith
• Paymaster General - Bishop Lynch
• Parliamentary Secretary to the Treasury (Chief Whip) - A Graham

Treasury Concern - Where can we possibly make savings???

Home Office
Secretary of State for Home Affairs - C.J. Ellis

• Minister of State for Safety - S.M. Bonfield

Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs - R Dannreuther

Secretary of State for Defence - N Chomsky
This should free up a large chunk of the budget for other things as I doubt he'll be much of a fan of threatening to nuke folk.

Secretary of State for Justice - E.C. Smith

Secretary of State for Health - C.A. Smith
This post shall likely be transferred to S.M. Bonfield once C.A.S. is deported & S.M.B. has implemented his Safety reforms (for which, you must await the manifesto itself).

Secretary of State for Education - PVB.

Secretary of State for Business - R Worsnop

Secretary of State for Work & Pensions - Comrade Geddes

First task for Comrade Geddes - benefit scroungers!!!

Secretary of State for Transport - N Webb

Secretary of State for Energy & the Environment - El Presidente

Department for Culture, Media & Sport

Secretary for Culture Media & Sport - Pat Nevin

• Minister of State for Culture - Lauren Laverne
• Minister of State for Media - Ian Hislop
• Minister of State for Sport - Baroness Grey-Thompson

Secretary of State for International Development - M Din

Secretary of State for Rural Affairs - R Bainbridge

Minister for Women & Equalities - Gorgeous George Galloway

Department for Tourism

Secretary of State for Tourism - King Alex

Assistant Secretary of State for Tourism - Prince Colin

Parliament of South East Britain

Regional Chairdude - S.G. Pickering

Location - Yorkshire

Parliament of Northern Britain

Regional Chairdude - J.Douglas Russell

Location - Holyrood

Parliament of Offshore West Britain

Regional Chairdude - A Quinn

Location - Stormont

Parliament of West Britain
Regional Chairdude - to be decided
Location - to be decided

Secretary of State for the Commonwealth - V Gaware

All suggestions and comments shall be considered, but should they not be 'right-minded', you may get a visit from my Head of Secret Police, a certain Michael De La Rugbyclub (no picture supplied as I've discovered it's quite difficult to get a picture off the internet of secret police).

Apologies to any able bodies who haven't received a ministerial brief. First of all, the Home Secretary is going to have his work cut out when I unleash my Manifesto so you may get roped into helping 'roll the wicket' or 'put out the flags' at the Home Office. If that's not your bag, I doubt it will be long until I have to start sacking folk for breaches of the Ministerial Code so there should be some vacancies soon enough.

Just Not Cricket

What, no cricket, oh well, are we allowed politics on here? No, oh, never mind, here are some thoughts on the UK Riots (sic) anyway.

A good place to start, Peter Oborne in the Telegraph;

Telegraph Article

Looters and Rioters?

Next up, some Bullingdon photos; I say

“…But within hours of the photo (right) being taken, the 10 young men were wreaking havoc on Oxford, where they were all at university.

One of them, said to be Ewen Fergusson (4), threw a plant pot through a restaurant window and the police were called…”

David Cameron

About the destruction of peoples businesses during the riots;

“criminality pure and simple”

About the trashing of a restaurant by the super rich student members of the Bullingdon Club;

“Like many young people, I did things when I was young that I should not have done and that I regret”.

About Andy Coulson

“I decided to give him a second chance”

About looters and rioters

“Law-breaking has to be punished. One of the heartening things we are seeing now is because the courts have been sitting round the clock we are seeing a much tighter timetable between getting your collar felt by a police officer, going to a police cell, appearing in front of a court and being sent to prison”

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

About the destruction of peoples businesses during the riots;

“This behaviour was criminal behaviour”

About his days in the Bullingdon Club;

“The blissful sponge of amnesia has wiped clean the slate of memory,”

It's not just the tories, top Labour brain, Hazel Blears stands during the school holidays and asks;

“Why are these kids not in school?”

I can’t do her herioic expenses claims justice. Here is a link.

Fill your boots hen

Yup, she's still an MP. Just the sort of person we need to clamp down on people who think they can just take mod cons for free.

Coming soon, the Broonster/Frazerio dream ticket.

Hacking Inquiry Latest

Alleged hacking

Polis are to investigate hacking allegations made against an unnamed Holy Cross wicketkeeper this website understands. Although rumours of his hacking have circulated in the East League for many years, damning new evidence emerged late on Monday evening.

Followers of a tory leadership hopeful’s Facebook page were shocked when photos of the hacking actually taking place were posted.

Far from distancing themselves from the hacker, it seems that hacking has been prevalent throughout Holy Cross CC for a number of years. An unnamed player said “yeah, we hack all the time, usually we don’t even realise we’re doing it”.

The Polis released a statement on Tuesday morning saying “We can assure members of the public that we have investigated this matter thoroughly. A fully resourced team of senior detectives scrutinised the photo’s with help from experts from the FBI. We can categorically state that this photo shows a text book cover drive and there is nothing more to see here, move along or I’ll taser you, swab your DNA and sell your details to the press.”

The Club President was unavailable for comment having recently suffered a minor automobile accident in Buenos Aires here.

Follow the Leader

Our captains (and those currently plotting to take over from them)
may find this Radio 4 programme interesting:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00x4018