Disappointment as AGM doesn't coincide with Scotland playing in 6 Nations

Two posts in a row without any visual stimulation??? There shall be no hat-trick for the texties on my watch!!!

Be there or be compost

For anyone new to Presidential re-elections (HX AGM's), here is a photo of last years stitch-up. The Green Room seldom looks this good. Although there is nothing at all sinister in these jovial gatherings, Messrs Astley & Dannreuther have not been heard from since when they were rumoured to have 'apologised' for their non-attendance and 'left' the club.

El Presidente may come across as a happy-go-lucky, port swilling, be-bearded, gardening teddy bear, but the evil capitalist oinker that he has tried to stuff deep back inside can rear it's ugly head without any warning. It is my understanding that poor Roland (who survived a brush with Patsy Putin) is pushing up the begonia's in Shifty's new town allotment whilst The Good Doctor gets a monthly rotate in the Presidential Compost Heap.

Dearest Leader ever

Those previous Presidential Elections results in full:
(Candidates ~ share of vote)


2008
E Presidente ~ 106% (record share topped up with postal votes)
S Russell ~ 2% (dispatched East to Siberiapans)


2009
E Presidente ~ 112% (record share of the vote as popularity rises)
D Craig ~ 0% (banned from the club sine die)



2010
E Presidente ~ 107% (obviously thought 2009 winning margin may be viewed as suspicious)
S Saunders ~ -3% (told to go away, but likely to turn up out of the blue at any time)



2011
E Presidente ~ 118% (record breaking share of the vote)
M Din ~ 3% (greatest ever runner up score, but record margin of defeat to boot)

Crossers Are Revolting

Fidel - not serious enough!!!

Late last season I was set the task of sorting out the apparent shambles that's being made of the way things are run by our democratically elected representatives. My response was that when the Uni-educated intelligentsia are asking unemployed slackers to come up with answers, we must be in even more trouble than we thought. The intelligentsia replied that a certain Karl Marx was unemployed when he came up with his stuff, and so I set to work.

I'm nearing the completion of my Masterplan (don't worry Mr Admin, I'll email it rather than post it here), but as a taster, I thought I'd leak my Interim Cabinet to the public. I've been delighted to be able to populate my Revolutionary Government almost entirely with noble Brothers of the Cross. In fact, I suspect we'd possibly make a better government than cricket team!!!

I would also like to make it clear that availability issues shall not be tolerated. Once selected for your country, you must serve. This isn't a dumb system where egotistical power-hungry megalomaniac's are allowed to fight tooth and nail to gain office through a 'democratic' process. This system relies on your Benevolent Dictator (me of course) picking the best talent and getting the job done good and proper!!!

One Country

Many Regions

The only actual politics I'll state as a precursor to understanding the appointments is, the UK shall remain as a whole (see physical map (left)), but it shall be devolved (see political map (right)). This logic shall, in due course be applied to the Island of West Britain, as yet I'm undecided whether to give the north back to the south, or whether to annex the whole flamin lot of it!!! Either way, you just know they won't be happy.





Head of State
Ceremonial Queen - King Alex (House of Salmond)
Ceremonial Heiress - Prince Colin (House of McGill)
Welcome to your new royal family. They are purely ribbon-cutters and hand shakers and must travel around together at all times in case there's an accident!!! Also, until we come up with a system for selecting these puppets, Prince Tommy (House of Sheridan) is 1st reserve as soon as he is released from the clink for bringing down the News of the World (I still don't understand how Sheridan lied and got the jail, whilst Bird, Coulson etc also lied but walked free, but hey, our Revolucion will stop such injustices occurring in future).

Head of Government
Party Chairdude - J.K. Fraser
Deputy Chairdude - M Broonster

Treasury
Chancellor of the Exchequer - Mr Admin

• Chief Secretary to the Treasury - C.O. Smith
• Paymaster General - Bishop Lynch
• Parliamentary Secretary to the Treasury (Chief Whip) - A Graham

Treasury Concern - Where can we possibly make savings???

Home Office
Secretary of State for Home Affairs - C.J. Ellis

• Minister of State for Safety - S.M. Bonfield

Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs - R Dannreuther

Secretary of State for Defence - N Chomsky
This should free up a large chunk of the budget for other things as I doubt he'll be much of a fan of threatening to nuke folk.

Secretary of State for Justice - E.C. Smith

Secretary of State for Health - C.A. Smith
This post shall likely be transferred to S.M. Bonfield once C.A.S. is deported & S.M.B. has implemented his Safety reforms (for which, you must await the manifesto itself).

Secretary of State for Education - PVB.

Secretary of State for Business - R Worsnop

Secretary of State for Work & Pensions - Comrade Geddes

First task for Comrade Geddes - benefit scroungers!!!

Secretary of State for Transport - N Webb

Secretary of State for Energy & the Environment - El Presidente

Department for Culture, Media & Sport

Secretary for Culture Media & Sport - Pat Nevin

• Minister of State for Culture - Lauren Laverne
• Minister of State for Media - Ian Hislop
• Minister of State for Sport - Baroness Grey-Thompson

Secretary of State for International Development - M Din

Secretary of State for Rural Affairs - R Bainbridge

Minister for Women & Equalities - Gorgeous George Galloway

Department for Tourism

Secretary of State for Tourism - King Alex

Assistant Secretary of State for Tourism - Prince Colin

Parliament of South East Britain

Regional Chairdude - S.G. Pickering

Location - Yorkshire

Parliament of Northern Britain

Regional Chairdude - J.Douglas Russell

Location - Holyrood

Parliament of Offshore West Britain

Regional Chairdude - A Quinn

Location - Stormont

Parliament of West Britain
Regional Chairdude - to be decided
Location - to be decided

Secretary of State for the Commonwealth - V Gaware

All suggestions and comments shall be considered, but should they not be 'right-minded', you may get a visit from my Head of Secret Police, a certain Michael De La Rugbyclub (no picture supplied as I've discovered it's quite difficult to get a picture off the internet of secret police).

Apologies to any able bodies who haven't received a ministerial brief. First of all, the Home Secretary is going to have his work cut out when I unleash my Manifesto so you may get roped into helping 'roll the wicket' or 'put out the flags' at the Home Office. If that's not your bag, I doubt it will be long until I have to start sacking folk for breaches of the Ministerial Code so there should be some vacancies soon enough.

KF on ...... the Holy Cross Selection Committee

In his latest controversial* missive, KF turns his attention to the activities of the Selection Committee (current members: EC, SP(?), CS (?), MR (?), KL, CM plus match secretary).

Disclaimer: its contents do not necessarily reflect the views of Holy Cross ACC.

A reminder to all players:

1. The Selection Committee meets every Monday. To ensure total inaccuracy, this is conducted in a pub, preferably whilst taking part in the Pub Quiz. The process, documented in detail in the seminal 2009 document, Selection Problems No More, by the 1st XI skipper, involves pinning names of players (at least 51% must have unconfirmed availability) to a roulette wheel, spinning it and randomly allocating roles for the week within the club.

2. Players must make their unavailability unclear to someone who isn't Interim Match Secretary as soon after the fixture they are unavailable for has been concluded as possible. Accurate and timely information is frowned upon and may be dealt with sternly.

3. As soon as you become available, ensure you cast aspersions on every decision made by the carefree and thoughtless slackers who select the teams. These people insist on making a simple process incredibly complicated. to drive home the weight of your opinion, ensure that you cannot play the following weekend. Or the weekend after that.

4. Fit players are strictly forbidden. Any players reporting for a match in a fit state will immediately be put through a leisurely warm-up to rectify matters. For further reading see The Ecstasy & The Agony, the art of the celebration injury by Dr I Astley or Prof M Robertson's pamphlet, Marking out my run-up and other gunshot wounds, now featuring the bonus chapter The Pavement Sniper.

5. Any player unhappy with the team they are playing for is advised to wait a day until the teams are rejigged. To ensure total fairness this reselection is routinely performed on the evenings of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Also on the mornings of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. If a generally satisfactory outcome is reached by midday on Saturday, the allocated 3rd team skipper for the week (usually the 2nd team skipper) must take a bonus player from the 1sts or 2nds, especially if the 3rds only have 11 players.

6. When playing for the 1st XI, it is unsporting to beat any team in or near relegation difficulty. All victories must be obtained versus title-chasing sides only (but not Fauldhouse). In the 2nd XI, all victories are deemed unsporting and fielding with anything approaching competence is discouraged, especially by the bowlers who detest catches being taken off their bowling. In the 3rd XI, whilst victories are occasionally allowed, they should be restricted to those that are absolutely necessary to avoid relegation out of the league system altogether. It is also forbidden for the 3rd team to utilise a cricket pitch for games. Picturesque fields are preferred.

* you will recall that his previous post 'No Future' (still obtainable, whilst stocks last, from cje) was ruthlessly suppressed deemed a bit too controversial.

Frosty reception for Ziggy as 'Graveyard' slur mars AGM

Mr Admin will in due course be communicating the main outcomes of the AGM, held today in sub-zero conditions.

The only moment of controversy (we’ll leave aside the President’s 3 hour address) was an entirely unprovoked attack, by our re-elected 2nd team skipper, on the 3rd team. His description of the 3rds as a ‘graveyard’ provoked uproar, especially amongst the more mature 3rd-teamers (Ellis Snr was provoked into phoning his lawyer during the meeting). Given the President’s warning’s about ‘factionalism’, one presumes that Ziggy will not escape punishment.