Tis but a flesh wound

I'm invincible!!! Clarke baits the Crusaders.

One of our 'ex-pats' emailed recently from the land down under asking what I thought regarding the forthcoming Ashes series. Firstly I have to remind everyone that making predictions is for plonkers. I then stated in no uncertain terms that barring quite unforeseeable circumstances, the Engerlish would walk it yet again.

Watching the build-up to this series has been quite amusing. Clarke naming the England team (he'd struggle to name an England team these Aussies could even draw with), Pietersen hitting all-comers for 6 in his press conference (almost displaying a likeable side), Warney spouting off as usual, cultivating as much publicity for his oversized ego as he could manage. You know how bad it is for Australia when McGrath admits his stock 5-0 prediction will be unlikely this time.

Then the action begins. Those cricketing sages commentating for Sky were for once, quite accurately looking a bit worried at the start. The Brisvegas pitch being described variously as a "road", a "road and a "road". How were England going to get any wickets they queried?

Pretty soon the hosts are 100-5, and 6 down for not much more. Watson and Smith out to truly terrible shots (if you are a top order test match player playing at home on a road), Clarke, Warner and Rogers not far behind in the 'flinging your wicket away' stakes. It shows how much the roles of these two sides has reversed that Australia limping to 270 odd for 8 on Day 1 after winning the toss is something of a success. With all the Aussie Ashes venues being described as batting paradises and minimum scores of 400 going to be required to win test matches in this series, it already looks horrible for the home side.

The evidence before us, admittedly only a days-worth, makes the Australian pre-match hype look quite ridiculous. It reminds me of the scene from Monty Python & the Holy Grail where the Black Knight (pictured), lying in bits on the ground, gathers any remaining breath to once again bait his tormentor. "I'm invincible" he wails plonked on his bahookey with his limbs strewn around him. Clarke, Warner et al, maybe its time to adhere to sporting cliche #1, shut up, if there's any talking to do, just do it out on the pitch. We could be looking at an absolutely incredulous 4th successive English Ashes series victory with Aussie players still berating the oppo for being rubbish. From a team that have won fewer test matches this year than Zimbabwe.

The English performances in the summer Ashes were below previous levels I think most people would agree. Their dominance was as much to do with a very poor touring side in varying states of disarray. With an ageing England side, seemingly in decline and looking for something to kickstart their motivation, the Aussie public for some reason decided to help them out. In their wisdom, prior to this series, sections of them have rounded on Stuarty Broady. This blatantly dim tactic had Broady taking a wicket in his second over setting up a day one 5-for. Seemingly hoping to inspire him on to even greater heights, when he held the ball up to the crowd, as bowlers do after a 5-fer, there was still enough booing from the dunderheids in the stands to keep him stoked up and hunting more Australian scalps (caveat; as he did this, you can see a fair amount of Oz fans applauding as well).

When Steven Smith is batting at FIVE, what on earth are you doing winding up the second best attack in world cricket? Clarke amused me with his English team announcement but the reality is, England could pick Rankin, Onions, Bresnan, Finn or about 40 others in the 'last seamer' slot and it wouldn't make a difference, they'd still blow the Aussie's Black Knights sky high.

My masterplan for the Aussies is a two parter.

1) Shut up
2) Pray for Harris and Johnson to deliver with the ball

Otherwise its going to be another protracted annihilation.

1st XI v Marchmont

Ellis jr sporting his new blonde rinse

With the temperatures barely into double digits and rain up until the previous Wednesday, Holy Cross 1st XI turned up for their maiden game at Campbell Park expecting a sloping bog on Saturday due to reports from those who often play there. Instead we found a lovely wee ground in excellent condition considering the time of year. It would have been ideal if someone could have turned the wind down a bit and maybe a couple of obliging truckers (I said truckers) had jack-knifed their lorries to block the traffic noise on the bypass.

The gentlemen in charge of the teams agreed to allow HX to bat first in a 40 overs aside thrash. Marchmont were somewhat under strength without Loeffen, Aaron or that South African dude whose name escapes me with the 4lb bat that takes out low flying planes.

Owais and Raja were invited to start us off and so they did. Raja raced to 48 (46 balls) before becoming the first man out. I joined Owais who perished missing a straight one on 63 (57 balls). Owais hit 7 sixes in total, 4 of which were his first 4 scoring shots including the second ball of the game!!! Raja despatched a couple too whilst clattering a few 4's as well. If this continues we'll be able to charge at the gate this season as the crowds flock to Arbo.

Jimmy McOscar arrived at number 4 and I left him to it on 22 (25 balls), politely chipping a dolly up to short cover. This brought 'the other' McOscar to the middle and a period of calm consolidated the scoring somewhat. Jimmy eventually holed out to square leg for 19 (36 balls) and the skipper was stumped by a good couple of yards after charging and missing for a nice 32 (37 balls).

The pitch was playing OK, a bit of a tennis ball bounce, but as I said earlier, for the time of year we had no complaints.

Gary T was now at the crease with new man to the club Julius Newman (see wot I did there?). They were able to keep scoring around a run a ball both ending unbeaten in early double figures giving us a total of 218-5. With Russell, Bonfield, Bainbridge and Worsnop not required, never mind the wiffwaffing Ellis, we appear to have a lot to be confident about in our batting this year. And not forgetting a delightful little footnote to Saturday with the news that 'legendary' Cross keeper Simon 'Hacker' Pickering will be available again this year.

Bonfield and Bainbridge began our attack meaning Worsnop and Raja would have to wait until first and second change. Shannon's 2-11 from 5 overs included the usual slew of stump-skiffing deliveries and batsman-confusing shimmiers before he removed opener Rees LBW. Bimbo (1-22 off 4) then took the most apologetic wicket of his career to date with a comedy bouncer which looped up over a whirling batsman before sagging down and onto middle stump. Both bowler and batsmen slumped and shook their heads in embarrassment as the rest of us cracked up.

Robin kept the comedy going when he came on. The first ball was a full bunger so he requested his specs back off the umpiring McGill. His next delivery was bang on the money, but his glasses became detached in the follow through and were handed back to Coco. 3rd ball is another full bunger much to our amusement, but after that he seemed to align with the force and get back to the Worsnop we're used to, finishing with 2-13 from 5 overs.

Then Trewartha and Dougie got a shot. The latter took a bit of tap in his 3 overs ending with 1-19. However he was turning it the proverbial mile and struggling to find a useful line, eventually switching to around the wicket. Meanwhile, at the other end, Michelle Five-for was helping himself to the tail with a typically devastating 4-5 from 20 balls. This meant no chance to see Julius turning his (left) arm over not to mention the skipper. And, like the batting line-up, not forgetting the absent dibbly-dobblying paddle-monkey from Morningside.

Our opponents succumbed on 92 and we were unleashed onto Saturday night a couple of hours early.

Almost forgot, we spilled about 5 catches too and I was dropped twice (woohoo).

Dear Skipper

I started writing an email to our new 1st XI skip to pass on some of my questionable wisdom, but then realised as it got longer and longer that I probably send something like this every season to every new captain. On re-reading it, it occurred to me it probably applies quite well to our other new skippers too. So I hastily set about deleting some of the names from the less flattering anecdotes and post it now on our esteemed website for the perusal and belittlement of all and sundry. In future I can just send all new captains a link to this soon to be seminal piece, on cricket captaincy. Happy hacking, hackers!!!

New 3rd XI regime, Nostradamus gives it until May

Skip!!!

Congratulations again, I'm looking forward to seeing how you do. I'm usually ambushed in at the AGM as VC for new skippers, as my psuedo-philosphical approach to leadership seems to be seen as having been half decent when I was captain. Personally I think it was just because the boy before me was a health conscious non-smoker with authoritarian tendencies.

Stating what I hope is obvious, I'll be available for as much or as little advice as you feel you need (if selected of course).

Hopefully some of the following bletherings will help prepare you for the ordeal to come.

I loved the on-field stuff like field placings & bowling changes etc, but other things (availability, weather, incompetent umpires, cheats (perceived or otherwise) etc) tend to be less enjoyable aspects. I think you need a degree of confidence in your abilities/decision making and I suspect you will be reasonably sure of yourself. But I don't think you can judge how good/bad someone will be until they actually do it and even then, I suppose their 'performance' is only a matter of differing opinions really.

I remember starting off with great, fresh expectations, but I can guarantee this team/club will frustrate the heck out of you at times. For some reason, like the rest of us you will somehow see this as charming. You inherit everything rather than starting from scratch and some of this may ultimately stifle some of your good intentions.

Also, absolutely do not forget, the views of the 2's and 3's must be taken into account (i.e. there might only be 15 bowlers available one Saturday so each team needs 5 and in the balancing you aren't necessarily always picking a best club XI in the 1's so you can ensure each team has enough bowling. That sort of thing. As 1st XI skipper you're also club skipper really, so have to try to see it from 2's and 3's perspectives (which can, sometimes, to their total annoyance, be pretty tough to empathise with).

Availability will do your head in!!!

On-field-wise, my approach, as I alluded to earlier, I like to think is quite philosophical. You will make some unbelievably inspired decisions and you will totally cock up as well. Make sure you take the credit for the former and blame the bowlers for the latter. Just got to try to do more of the former. But even then, firstly, there is nobody who knows what the right thing to do is every time and secondly, even if there was, you can do everything right but at some point their number 11 hits a Shanton wonderball for 6 to win the game with your best catcher tipping it over the boundary exactly where you put him. You won't have all the answers, you won't get it right a lot of the time, but you've got to take what you already have and know, apply it as best you can, and hope that more often than not it works. And obviously learn from any mistakes.

Some other random general rules I bore in mind or realised during my incumbency:

• Seldom listen to bowlers. In all seriousness. They are usually only seeing it from their 6 balls perspective. You are in charge of the whole game. They might think bowling 6 snorters at a rabbit has some worth and it's the rabbit's fault for not being good enough, whereas if you get Dougie to bowl a half tracker that the bunny can sky to the keeper, I'll take that every time. The smarter chuckers certainly know more about actually bowling than I do and what's best for them in the context of their own tactical approach at removing a batsman. Its a lot about knowing what you know and judging if its better or worse/more or less applicable, than what they know. Mostly the non-bowler will know best!!! There is nothing worse than someone who bowls one long hop an over refusing to let you put a man on the square leg boundary. In their head they're Glenn McGrath. I definitely experienced reluctance, or in one amusing instance outright hostility (from Worsnop) to the skipper changing 'their' field settings. In their defence, I think this is mostly because they had rarely if ever played under what they would see as a decent captain. Once they saw I wasn't just blindly fiddling, I think the mutual trust grew to the point I could tinker with fields as I saw fit. Of course its a democracy, but you are still the ultimate decider. Saying all this, my first question before a bowlers spell would usually be 'what do you want?'. Greatest ever bowler to walk onto the field, answered correctly the first time I ever asked him, "I don't mind, it's up to you" - Gaz T v Watsons 2011. His wisdom made him 6-39 as I built a keeper-point slip cordon with our 10 men while our absent skipper snoozed off a hangover. Case closed methinks.

• Decide what you are best at, where you should field/bat/bowl and stick to it. Too many captains start slipping themselves down the order.

• Be patient. I recall in a game v Heriots, they were something like 120-2 of 25 overs with a top bat at the crease chasing our 220. I was quite confident that if we just kept going as we were, we'd get a chance or two with the good batter and they had a long tail even although on paper they were coasting. When we were switching ends between overs, I remember Bonnie Prince Charlie sort of pleading/berating with me to do something and gesturing with outstretched arms. I replied something like 's'cool man, keep the faith, all under control' and in the end I think they were about 205 all out. Whose to say we mightn't have skittled them for 150 if I'd done things differently or if they'd have won by 8 wickets instead. All you can do is back yourself and hope you are right more often than not. This game was also notable in the career of El Presidente as he bowled the first and last over of the innings.

• All your best players will instantly become unavailable, indeed, some seem to go missing altogether, however they will all be replaced almost immediately by a new raft of talent who you will view with suspicion for opting for Arbo over the various majestic clubs and grounds that surround us.

That's all for now,

May the farce be with you.

Was this really only 18 months ago???

They don't write them like this anymore.

And was this really only 9 months ago?

"Giants" Of Holy Cross Fail To Impress

Insanity

The UK's barmy smoking restrictions almost put paid to our valiant boys hopes in the Activcity Indoor 6's at Forrester High School on Friday night. More on that in a sec.

First up we were pitted against Division One new boys Edinburgh South and retro Crosser, the Good Doctor Astley!!!

HX: S McOscar, P Kumar, A Millington, T Archer, R Bainbridge, J McOscar.

With most of our team debuting in this format and a green skipper in Si McOscar, who sloppily lost the toss, we were put in and got busy running ourselves out (3 of the 5 wickets were run outs, although Bainbro still managed to miss a devious straight one as is his way and got bowled).

We tiptoed into the 70's with the highlights being Praveen clattering the first ball he faced for 6 and a decent tap by hot new signing Jimbo McOscar. But it wasn't enough and the Good Doctor eventually saw his team home with 4 wickets down.

I arrived to witness the last rites of this defeat and proceeded to read the riot act at our underperforming slackers. I was especially harsh on the skipper for losing the toss as our tournament survival now hung by a thread. Confusion reigned supreme as Praveen appeared set to make for home before we reminded him there was still a game to come.

Before long it was Game 2 and we were on against another former HX Leg End, S Russell's East Lothian County CC (aka Tranent). Simon paid heed to my barracking and this time won the toss, opting to put the oppo in first. But wait, there were only 5 bodies left. Praveen had indeed scarpered!!! Welcome to the captaincy Si and try and keep your troops in order!!!

With complete reluctance, I safely entered the arena, jeans and all.

Praveen as game 2 kicked off

Our chuckers set about their task of spraying down some leg side wides and when we realised we weren't going to get them all out inside 8 overs, it became apparent that I might have to bowl my 2 over quota.

Praveen re-appeared at this point. Turned out he'd simply nipped outside for a cigarillo and hadn't realised we were playing again straight away. If only you could smoke in gym halls, none of this would have been an issue!!! But I wasn't for budging from the game now especially with a chance to show the throwers how to bowl.

With obvious trepidation, the skip threw me the ball. Needless to say I found some prodigious swing and couldn't even keep the ball on the mat for the first couple of deliveries. But once I adjusted the seam I soon began to terrorise the Tranentians ending on 0-19 from two overs in a cameo that everyone there will surely remember until the day they croak. These figures would have been even better if Archer hadn't dropped the first wicket in what would probably have been a match winning hat-trick as the men from the East tried to find a way to cope with my 'variety'.

They made their way to 82 which if we cut out the run outs, should have been a breeze. However, the less said about our innings the better. Lets say our ringer salvaged things. Retiring once before returning as last wicket he plundered 39 (not out) partnering extras (mid twenties) whilst the rest of us failed to make double figures. We managed to reach the target on the penultimate ball (Milly turning one round the corner for 3) keeping our slim tournament hopes alive.

The other highlight was a call from a Tranent player as we floundered mid innings "come on lads, this'll be a giant killing"!!!!

Did I mention the dropped catch off my bowling???

There is an Indoor 6's link on the ESCA website. It hasn't been updated yet but I'm sure details will appear in due course.

Finally, for all the evidence based factboys, this picture of club stalwart McGill on his third last birthday is counter proof of the actual good that pumping chemical smoke into your lungs can do.

Happy Birthday Coco, here's to the next 100

Smudger's Cricket Teaser - Answer

Not a Friday

The Loins of the Club writes:

The Aus player who wasn't selected because he wouldn't eat fish on a Friday was Alan Kippax, although I misled you with the dates. It was when he was young in 1926. He averaged 50+ for NSW but only in the 30's in tests - all v England and all on uncovered wickets. No easy runs v Bangladesh in those days.

Smudge forgot to type "bring back the draw" at the end of his email so I've been kind enough to add it.

One spinner or two???

Meet England's new coach???

So, hands up anyone who would pick just one spin bowler in a Test Match in India? Anyone?? Don't worry, if you're stupid enough to think it's a good idea you could either be coach or captain of the England test side. Mind you, although Cooky and Flowery (has to be his nickname) thought it was the way to go, the 9 wicket defeat or 330 run deficit after the first innings in the 1st Test might have yielded a small clue.

Although I can't find the exact quote (hold on to your hats, I'm not a proper journalist), Sky's coverage told me earlier that none other than Shane Warney commented upon the 1st Test that if England weren't going to pick Panesar for that Test Match, when were they ever going to pick him? Too true.

Now I may be out of order, maybe Cooky or Flowery might know more about spin bowling than Warney. But Liz Hurley probably knows you need more than one spinner in India. It should be a sackable offence to not know this. It's akin to Levein playing without a striker in Prague (even Liz knows you always need two big strikers up front).

So onwards to the 2nd Test where Broady is a fitness doubt and every other English seamer bar Anderson is lame. And what amazing tactical innovation do England come up with? Well they go crazymadferrit and pick Monty AND Swanny. The audacity! The sheer ostentation!! Hallelujah!!!

But hold the fireworks, what are these sneaky Indian's up to. OMG they've gone for three (THREE) whole spinners in just one team. Wackier still, one of them will have to open the bowling. OMGx2. Just fancy that? Is this allowed says an old duffer choking on his Pimm's in the Long Room. Meanwhile, back at Castle Frazerio, I despair.

I'll make my view crystal clear. The four best spin bowlers in England right now should be in that Test XI. There is no sane argument against this. Not sure about that I hear you insanely say. OK. Chew on these series aggregates for the England bowlers in India so far:

(Overs/Maidens/Runs/Wickets)
Seamers   96   14   354    2   (r/r - 3.69, s/r 1 wkt every 288 balls)
Spinners  154  25   421   12  (r/r - 2.73, s/r 1 wkt every 77 balls)

If they played four spinners and they performed to those averages (those spin stats include part timers Patel & Pietersen too) and then someone said 'bring back Broad, Bresnan and Anderson in place of these keepin-it-tight-wicket-takers, you'd be locked up. And yet, that's where we seem to be.

I showed these numbers to a fish and even it laughed. Flowery & Cooky think a half fit and visibly floundering Stuart Broady (series figures so far 36-2-157-0) is the correct choice. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Why was only one spinner picked for the 1st Test? Why have only two been picked for the 2nd Test? Why are seamers getting picked at all?

For me the answer arrived not long after stumps in Mumbai when the highlights of Austrai'a v Safrica were broadcast. Safrica had finished 2-217. The first wicket was a run out. Aussie skipper Clarke used 8 bowlers in the day with 7th bowler Warner (David) taking the only other scalp. Yes, the Aussies couldn't take a wicket so their skipper went through every man and his dog to try and buy a wicket and lo and behold found one with his 6th change bowler.

Sky anchor, Ian Ward (5 Test matches for the Motherland) snidely commented on the in form Clarke 'inventive captaincy, or just running out of ideas'. I splurted my porridge down my jammies at that.

Mr Ward, let me say that Clarke's captaincy is the epitome of the exact opposite of running out of ideas. If you want to talk about running out of ideas, or better still, not having a clue, look at the English team selection and go no further.

Incidentally, Clarke once took 6-9 in a Test in India. England's seamers can't take 6-900.

If you can't take a wicket, try another bowler. If you are playing in India, only pick spinners. Stop thinking like it's 1951. England need to be able to think out of the box, or if they're incapable, listen to the likes of Shane Warne, if I can hear him, surely Flowery & Cooky can too.

Rant over.

Addendum (25/11/2012)

At the end of the highlights on Day 4 with Australia all over South Africa (77-4 from 50 overs in their 2nd innings), Ian Ward, seemingly having read my post, exclaims "Michael Clarke yet again thinking outside the box"!!!

1st XI v Grange II @ Fettes - 28/07/2012

Whilst some of the cricket wasn't the most picturesque, the setting wasn't too bad and it was a fantastic toss to lose. These are taken in the last 10 overs.

Bonfield playing in the V

Skipper square cuts

Bonfield defends.

Bonfield v ex Warwickshire captain Mike Powell

Russell showing off his technique

McOscar bats, bowls, keeps wicket and even does the scorebook.

Bonfield tickles one round the corner

Note the game on the pitch next to us had exited stage left and the covers were on whilst we soldiered on.

A familiar site at cricket grounds this summer - puddles.

Fixture Congestion Eased

At the behest of Lord Admin, we have been busily engaging in a purge of fixture commitments by exiting tournaments in some haste.

Apologies for lack of details, I don't have any scorecards to hand.

On Sunday we travelled to Glasgow Accies (Gaccies v Haccies?) and were beaten with a couple of overs to spare. We made 144 all out which just wasn't enough in the end, top scorer most likely Gary T. Highlights included a comedy leave to a steepler by McGill on the boundary (as he didn't touch it, it doesn't count as a drop) and the best over of Dougie's career as he unleashed some unfeasible turn. Super Ted let us down badly after recent cup heroics collecting a Golden amidst a hat-trick and trashing his 1st XI average. Later Broonster incurred some jewel damage in a plucky last wicket stand and has been sitting down very carefully ever since.

Quote of the day by Broonster; "Stood on the scales this morning and I've lost 14lbs in two months. Nearly lost 2 stones in a day in Glasgow".

Man of the match - Their 5-for debutant.

Just found this - Glasgow Accies v Holy Cross
Note - This scorecard says Ted & Ziggy both made 1, from 1 ball, and were bowled. I'll need that explained to me.

Note the car headlights in the car park

On Tuesday we had the pleasure of playing on the Arty at Roseburn against Mufs in another semi final. It was damp, grey and gloomy at the start and got damper, greyer and gloomier. Ach I'll just come out and say it, Bimbo dropped the cup!!! Asif Mohammed who went on to blast 64 in no time was on about 2 when he toed one high towards long on, but Bimbo's bouncy mitts gave the Mufs man a second chance.

Gary T chips one into the gap

The next over Trewartha was blasted for two 6's and a 4 and wasn't the only one to suffer. So Dougie chucked the ball to Bimbo and asked him to make amends, but said ball was then brutally despatched straight back over his head and probably over the Water of Leith as well. It was never found. A local battleaxe walking her great great great grandchild took that opportunity to scold our humble skipper along the lines of Health & Safety (even although the ball cleared the path, the curmudgeon and her little miracle by about 3,000 feet).

Once Mohammed departed, the Cross bowlers regained control and were able to restrict the hosts to only 139. Owais (7), Me (7) & McO (2) got us off to a rubbish start. Gary T salvaged a decent 30 in the middle somewhere, but the rest of us were unable to deal with the scoreboard pressure, the invisible ball and the dancing feet of their opening bowler (you had to be there). The innings finished with Sandy & Andy R needing just eight 6's from the last 8 balls and they let us down very badly as the innings concluded at 93-10 from 19 overs.

Man of the Match - Bobby Bainbridge.

HX Lookalikeys cont.

Once again no cricket means me stepping into the gap to (attempt to) entertain the fine defenders of Fortress Arboretum. Here's a peach I've been meaning to air for a while.

It must be said that despite his high end breeding, it appears that Lord Admin has a rather common fizzog although in this case the barnet is a great match too.

Not too long after his rag & bone impression, another of his doppelgangers has come to light.

Decide for yourself...

Lord Arboretum

Fans of BBC comedy The Thick of It will immediately know of whom I speak.

Good lord, it isn't is it???

The resemblance is uncanny (smile aside)!!!  Are they by any chance related??? We should be told!!!

Yea Viv Talk Nah

That's Viv telt

I've tried hard to decipher this.

Does anyone else have a clue what it actually means?

Is it simply WI patois?

Or embarisangly illitrit nonsense?

Or has he been on the Jamaican woodbines?

I'll have the following in my pocket in case I reach double figures next week.

Nut
Fra
Safe
Aye

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/cricket/18388490

Swinging Update

Natural Born Swinger

Swinging has fascinated certain cricketers for a long time now.

I'm sure those of you who habitually bend your balls will find this BBC article of interest.

How Swinging works

Russell Regime Diktat # 0001

After years of lackadaisical 1st XI captaincy, Crossers have become used to a relaxed and enjoyable environment in which to enjoy their cricket. However, the team are now 'Under New Management'!!!

This is the first of a new series of commandments coming from the new, stricter, more driven captaincy team. Of course, I was an architect of the Old Way, but after being pinned against the wall at nets today by Mr Russell, I'm now a fully loyal member of the New Way.

With spittle firing angrily from his snarling gob I was told in no uncertain terms to send one of my "ranty things on the website" to inform the membership of the importance of attending nets. While all teams could be better represented, the 1st XI especially were under-represented.

Stealing a trick from top level sport, any player now claiming to be injured, shall now have to attend nets where a specialist physiotherapy unit shall examine the 'alleged' injury/ies. This will consist of being stood betwixt Coco & Mr Russell and only those demonstrably less fit than Them shall be given leave, albeit with a detailed exercise programme (20 tabs and a knee support).

Also, henceforth, all Crossers shall have to submit a Request Form to Mr Russell before booking any holidays. This should alleviate the constant 'off the island' excuses we seem to suffer despite nets and match dates being available weeks or months in advance.

Is this angry enough Dougie???

PS: I'm very, very aware of the hypocritical strain infecting this piece!!!!!

Top Job In Scottish Cricket Still Up For Grabs

EVEN MORE NEW ODDS ADDED - 01/02/12
NEW ODDS ADDED 31/01/12

It's been the hot topic in Tanning Salon's and Nail Bar's since last August when Western Union bound E.C. Smith (???) announced he was abdicating from the exalted post of Holy Cross 1st XI Capitan.

With the new season now only 82 days away and no sign of an AGM to settle matters, the bookies have been in meltdown trying to sort out odds as potential candidates jostle for position.

God smote, The Bish merely sledges

Bishop Lynch - 5/4
With one full season under his belt and any notions of bettering us well & truly kyboshed, the best & worst sledger in the club holds the fatal 'early front-runner' tag. The Bishop has promised to maintain the standards set in recent years and not be available as often as possible to allow sniping and side-plotting against him to prosper out of earshot.

Maddoug Russell - 7/4

Slapper

As Scottish as The Krankies this candidate also shares many other characteristics with Scotland's first couple. He has maintained an open relationship with HX over the years, often moving out of the family home at Arboretum to sample the delights on offer elsewhere before returning to his true love.

How can you not love this man???

Sir Thomas Sheridan - 5/1
A surprise inclusion for some, Scotland's most famous swinger (usually away swinging) has, this very day been uncaged and is available for selection. Known to favour the Cross, having no cricketing ability, but, being born to lead, Sir Tam is an almost perfect fit for the current vacancy.

PVB batting with Spickers

P.V.B. - 5/1
While all Crossers bar one mature with age, this candidate is improving faster than most. Sharp analysis, erudite comments, flawless manners and an understanding of how our great game should be played, what an ambassador we'd have if PVB (as he's known) could garner enough support to launch a campaign.

Geeza job?

Straussy Strauss - 8/1
Don't tell anyone but Straussy will soon be looking for a job. Obvious deficiencies on the field are made up off the field as a consummate engager with the gentlefolk of the press. While he might be 6th or 7th choice to open the batting for us, at least there'd be less inaccurate guff in the local rag.

Ziggy getting ready for work

Anzlm Cydzk - 25/1
There is surely one more season of captaincy left in the popular (once he became) former 2's skip. A lack of vowels have always hindered Zggy with Crossers on the far right and it's unclear if he could now raise enough votes from the left with the appearance of Sir Tommy in the race.

Two good for the 1's

Nozzer Webb - 33/1
Clearly a star on the rise, probably the 3rd most popular new player at the Cross in a decade behind Shambles and Gawarawalapindi Express. However there is still unfinished business for Noz in the 2's where he'll struggle to raise support for a move to the 1's.

<comment deleted by lawyers>

Andy 'Hahaha' Coulson - 50/1
Driven out of his job at Downing Street (by a chauffeur in a Bentley no doubt), Coulson has been looking for a change of career and may be up for some unpaid voluntary work (at his old chum Call-Me-Dave's insistence). The type of guy who loves being taken under the wing of a megalomaniac dictator to anonymously do his bidding and take the hit when it inevitably goes tits-up, I'm sure he'd nuzzle into Lord Admin in no time.

Admin pictured in 1893

Lord Admin - 100/1
Were Coulson to pull out due to unfounded press smears about his propriety, Lord Admin may have to accept a shortening of the odds. When asked about the captaincy, retorts like "f*** off" and "stick that right up yer bahooky" don't deflect some observers from thinking that 1st Team Captain is the job he covets most of all. The more vociferously he says no, the more some folk seem to think he wants it.







Frazerio - 100/1

Another game, another jaffa first up!!!

Unlikely to make a return to mediocre captaincy any time soon due to an equally unlikely Rider List. Conditions include 'pushing back starting times to 1400 hours', 'complete and total player availability' and 'being carried to and from the field of play in a green & gold Sedan Chair'.

Mug Shot!!!

McGill - 1000/1
In good grace Coco has once again agreed to lend us his considerable skills (both cricketing and oratorial) in spite of the constant abuse and ridicule we heap upon him and big money offers from elsewhere. If we weren't 99% stupid, we'd realise the gem we have in our midst and promote the Honorory Midweek Captain to the position he (says he) well and truly deserves. At 109 years old though, time is catching up on the old dear and there are lingering concerns he may have lost a yard of pace since his heyday in the 1930's.

Due to a flurry of betting activity (i.e. one person saying 'where's GT on the list?') the following odds are now added.

Gaz ThreeforFourforFiveforWartha - 9/4

Ye couldny make it up - meet Michelle Trewartha

The most obvious difficulty with GT's sudden promotion to third favourite in the running is, would his name even fit on the Captain's board (especially if he starts taking 6-for and more)? Logistics aside, doubts remain whether GT could lead a side to victory against the East Academy after recent Wif Waf pics appeared on a sleazy website. Does he have the killer instinct to bowl fast & short at kids - probably not? The Bishop & Maddoug wouldn't think twice!!!

CA's real twin already down under

C.A. - 150/1
C.A., which is short for 'Standards' might prove a controversial choice. He's known to accept conventional coaching wisdom and a is a favourer of established club no-no's like warming up (pointless) and warming back down again (doubly pointless - fact - end of). However with the imminent relocation to Oz, his availability should be a bit better than it's ever been. Still has kudos in spades after a legendary 'tour fine' when, as a fledgling powerlifter he joined the Astley-era Cross on tour in Bampton and incurred a penalty for being a 'Drain on the Safety of the Club'.

Dennis 'Spick' Pickering - 20/1
2011 was a tough year for the VC. Plagued by hacking allegations during the whole NotW fiasco and then pretty much becoming full-time skipper whenever E.C. couldn't be ersed (every week). But with the appointment of Martin O'Neill on Wearside it could be a whole new era for Arbo's favourite (only) mackem. Could he too be rejuvenated, or will the big money lure of London leave Crossers wondering 'What if...?'

Sir Shanton John/Bimbo Furnish (Joint tickets) - 12/1
Our favourite new gay Dad's initially thought they'd be missing most of the season after Sir Shanton John recently gave birth, however their Relate counsellor suggested they share baby duties taking it Saturday about. So although they will only be available half the season each, I'm assured there will always be a Bonfridge available if selected (although Sir Shanton looks different without the beard would Rab Bonfridge really fancy the preening Diva if he wasn't a multi-award winning, globe-trotting, sporting superstar feted wherever he goes - doubts always linger with such celeb match-ups)!!! Who is the Daddy??? I actually don't want to know!!!

Smokin Hottie - 5/2
All joking aside now, time to get super serious. I'm sure you'll agree there isn't enough filth on here so I couldn't help typing 'smokin hottie' into t'internet and finally settled on this, er, smokin hottie. Gratuitous it may be, but this sort of journalism should propel me into the employment of a national title in no time. My skills are quite obviously wasted on here, but when aren't they??? Ms Hottie tells me her main campaign point will be to try to convince PVB that lighting up on the field of play is no bad thing and I'd like to see that Club Legend try and disagree (while another aforementioned Club Legend starts his engine).



STILL more odds available on request.

(not) Breaking News (any more) - President to be challenged!!!

Reports in the News of the World yesterday linked retired hitman Roy 'Wotthefeckurulookinat' Keane with a move for the Presidency itself. Keane told Screws insiders "I've got the feckin beard for it so I have".

Arm-wrestling contender

The Abu Dhabi Downfall Postulation

'Scuse me umps, what did you think of that one?

I've been formulating a kernel of an idea for a while now and I'd like to put it out there and invite your thinkings on the subject.

As 'Village Standard' cricketers, we've all been involved in collapses or on the receiving end of hidings. Mostly this is easily explained away because the Oppo 2nd XI vice skippers mate happened to be in Edinburgh that week and he is the third Waugh twin, or maybe the pitch became unplayable at Tea after a seasonal downpour. Sometimes the 13 year old 4th change bowler in Division 7 will go on to become Murali or Warne and never better the 9-1 he took at Arbo. Simply put, there are usually very obvious reasons why one team trounces the other.

Scaling up now to the international stage. The number 1 Test ranked nation have been our southern cousins* for a wee while now (not that you ever hear them mention it). While this noble achievement was reached including the hiding of Australia** down there, the point is often made that there have been no victories over India, Pakistan or Sri Lanka in the back yards of those nations where Pace and Seam fade in the shadow of Turn. While this England mob are rightly ranked at number 1 just now, to move into the more transcendental all-time-great-sides lists, they're going to have to win a series or two against those sides, in those countries.

Therefore the series v Pakistan on neutral, but surely more Pakistan friendly turf has to be viewed as a stern test in the progression of this England side towards the pantheonic debates of all-time great status.

Received wisdom around the first test was that the pitch was decent for batting, but England simply couldn't cope with the regulation spin of Mr Ajmaal and took a horsing inside 3 days. Nothing too irregular, just an age old weakness being exposed once again.

However, in the 2nd Test, as a more professional and resourceful package than sides of yesteryear, England looked to have improved or acclimatised enough to the point where after 3 innings, Boycott (never wrong, ever) had bet his property portfolio on them levelling the series. Ajmaal was no longer a great threat and the England bowling and fielding performance and attitude were more or less at the level they have been for the last 3 years or more. There was very little to suggest what was about to happen.

England's new number 3?

As with all arguments, one can select the stats to back up the personal beliefs. I'll stick to just one. Between them, 9 England batsmen could muster only 13 runs in that 4th innings. Once the rot started, there seemed to be a collective infection of the English team and it wasn't just likely that they were rushing headlong towards calamity, but that there was absolutely nothing any of them could do to arrest the decline. The pitch wasn't spitting, the bowlers weren't on fire and the batsmen weren't Chris Martin's. Yet total defeat had somehow become inevitable.

Finally, you will be pleased to know, I'm reaching my point!!!

When a side is in meltdown and it is apparently nothing to do with ability, conditions, history, injuries, circumstance, coaching etc, when there is no obvious reason why an able side, in good mental health and with a track record of dealing with adverse situations begin to absolutely implode, I think there needs to be a name for the syndrome and I'm going to propose the following definition:

Abu Dhabi Downfall - when a sporting team, especially in cricket, succumb to a catastrophic loss of ability and form at the same time leading to inevitable defeat long before the end of the contest.

There is obviously the possibility that you think there was a more obvious reason for such an inept capitulation, I'd counter that any cricket team in any conditions would struggle to do that badly even if they tried to, never mind ones whose players are on about £300k a year.

Thoughts appreciated.

Apologies for those with a shorter attention span, I couldn't fit that into 140 characters.

* I've stated before, do so again now and no doubt will again in the future, that I think the England cricket team has to be renamed. Robert Croft, Eoin Morgan, Mike Denness etc show quite clearly (to me) that it's a British side, not an English one (no need to mention any overseas born 'Englishmen').
**Albeit a transitional Australian side beset by injuries and operating under a Selection Panel that would make its mid-80's English equivalent appear like enlightened tactical genuises.

Exclusive Big Match Footage - LiveSportOn.TV Indoor 6's

HOLY CROSS V BOROUGHMUIR COMPLETE
ONE OR TWO CLIPS PENDING FROM THE TRANENT GAME.

The future is finally here. In case you didn't notice the link in Charlie's comment in the previous report, herein lies surely the first ever representation of a Cross innings on a Manhattan Skyline style graph. Essential viewing!!!

Sensational Statisticals

Also essential viewing for any dedicated Crosser's are the following clips documenting the matches pretty much in their entirety.

Allowance must be made for the initial stop-start nature of the clips which are sometimes a ball or two at a time. By the end HX Productions managed to film the action an over at a time.

HX v BOROUGHMUIR
1st Innings (Boroughmuir)

2nd Innings (HX)

HX v TRANENT
1st Innings (HX)

2nd Innings (Tranent)

Crossers Are Revolting

Fidel - not serious enough!!!

Late last season I was set the task of sorting out the apparent shambles that's being made of the way things are run by our democratically elected representatives. My response was that when the Uni-educated intelligentsia are asking unemployed slackers to come up with answers, we must be in even more trouble than we thought. The intelligentsia replied that a certain Karl Marx was unemployed when he came up with his stuff, and so I set to work.

I'm nearing the completion of my Masterplan (don't worry Mr Admin, I'll email it rather than post it here), but as a taster, I thought I'd leak my Interim Cabinet to the public. I've been delighted to be able to populate my Revolutionary Government almost entirely with noble Brothers of the Cross. In fact, I suspect we'd possibly make a better government than cricket team!!!

I would also like to make it clear that availability issues shall not be tolerated. Once selected for your country, you must serve. This isn't a dumb system where egotistical power-hungry megalomaniac's are allowed to fight tooth and nail to gain office through a 'democratic' process. This system relies on your Benevolent Dictator (me of course) picking the best talent and getting the job done good and proper!!!

One Country

Many Regions

The only actual politics I'll state as a precursor to understanding the appointments is, the UK shall remain as a whole (see physical map (left)), but it shall be devolved (see political map (right)). This logic shall, in due course be applied to the Island of West Britain, as yet I'm undecided whether to give the north back to the south, or whether to annex the whole flamin lot of it!!! Either way, you just know they won't be happy.





Head of State
Ceremonial Queen - King Alex (House of Salmond)
Ceremonial Heiress - Prince Colin (House of McGill)
Welcome to your new royal family. They are purely ribbon-cutters and hand shakers and must travel around together at all times in case there's an accident!!! Also, until we come up with a system for selecting these puppets, Prince Tommy (House of Sheridan) is 1st reserve as soon as he is released from the clink for bringing down the News of the World (I still don't understand how Sheridan lied and got the jail, whilst Bird, Coulson etc also lied but walked free, but hey, our Revolucion will stop such injustices occurring in future).

Head of Government
Party Chairdude - J.K. Fraser
Deputy Chairdude - M Broonster

Treasury
Chancellor of the Exchequer - Mr Admin

• Chief Secretary to the Treasury - C.O. Smith
• Paymaster General - Bishop Lynch
• Parliamentary Secretary to the Treasury (Chief Whip) - A Graham

Treasury Concern - Where can we possibly make savings???

Home Office
Secretary of State for Home Affairs - C.J. Ellis

• Minister of State for Safety - S.M. Bonfield

Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs - R Dannreuther

Secretary of State for Defence - N Chomsky
This should free up a large chunk of the budget for other things as I doubt he'll be much of a fan of threatening to nuke folk.

Secretary of State for Justice - E.C. Smith

Secretary of State for Health - C.A. Smith
This post shall likely be transferred to S.M. Bonfield once C.A.S. is deported & S.M.B. has implemented his Safety reforms (for which, you must await the manifesto itself).

Secretary of State for Education - PVB.

Secretary of State for Business - R Worsnop

Secretary of State for Work & Pensions - Comrade Geddes

First task for Comrade Geddes - benefit scroungers!!!

Secretary of State for Transport - N Webb

Secretary of State for Energy & the Environment - El Presidente

Department for Culture, Media & Sport

Secretary for Culture Media & Sport - Pat Nevin

• Minister of State for Culture - Lauren Laverne
• Minister of State for Media - Ian Hislop
• Minister of State for Sport - Baroness Grey-Thompson

Secretary of State for International Development - M Din

Secretary of State for Rural Affairs - R Bainbridge

Minister for Women & Equalities - Gorgeous George Galloway

Department for Tourism

Secretary of State for Tourism - King Alex

Assistant Secretary of State for Tourism - Prince Colin

Parliament of South East Britain

Regional Chairdude - S.G. Pickering

Location - Yorkshire

Parliament of Northern Britain

Regional Chairdude - J.Douglas Russell

Location - Holyrood

Parliament of Offshore West Britain

Regional Chairdude - A Quinn

Location - Stormont

Parliament of West Britain
Regional Chairdude - to be decided
Location - to be decided

Secretary of State for the Commonwealth - V Gaware

All suggestions and comments shall be considered, but should they not be 'right-minded', you may get a visit from my Head of Secret Police, a certain Michael De La Rugbyclub (no picture supplied as I've discovered it's quite difficult to get a picture off the internet of secret police).

Apologies to any able bodies who haven't received a ministerial brief. First of all, the Home Secretary is going to have his work cut out when I unleash my Manifesto so you may get roped into helping 'roll the wicket' or 'put out the flags' at the Home Office. If that's not your bag, I doubt it will be long until I have to start sacking folk for breaches of the Ministerial Code so there should be some vacancies soon enough.