Dear Skipper

I started writing an email to our new 1st XI skip to pass on some of my questionable wisdom, but then realised as it got longer and longer that I probably send something like this every season to every new captain. On re-reading it, it occurred to me it probably applies quite well to our other new skippers too. So I hastily set about deleting some of the names from the less flattering anecdotes and post it now on our esteemed website for the perusal and belittlement of all and sundry. In future I can just send all new captains a link to this soon to be seminal piece, on cricket captaincy. Happy hacking, hackers!!!

New 3rd XI regime, Nostradamus gives it until May

Skip!!!

Congratulations again, I'm looking forward to seeing how you do. I'm usually ambushed in at the AGM as VC for new skippers, as my psuedo-philosphical approach to leadership seems to be seen as having been half decent when I was captain. Personally I think it was just because the boy before me was a health conscious non-smoker with authoritarian tendencies.

Stating what I hope is obvious, I'll be available for as much or as little advice as you feel you need (if selected of course).

Hopefully some of the following bletherings will help prepare you for the ordeal to come.

I loved the on-field stuff like field placings & bowling changes etc, but other things (availability, weather, incompetent umpires, cheats (perceived or otherwise) etc) tend to be less enjoyable aspects. I think you need a degree of confidence in your abilities/decision making and I suspect you will be reasonably sure of yourself. But I don't think you can judge how good/bad someone will be until they actually do it and even then, I suppose their 'performance' is only a matter of differing opinions really.

I remember starting off with great, fresh expectations, but I can guarantee this team/club will frustrate the heck out of you at times. For some reason, like the rest of us you will somehow see this as charming. You inherit everything rather than starting from scratch and some of this may ultimately stifle some of your good intentions.

Also, absolutely do not forget, the views of the 2's and 3's must be taken into account (i.e. there might only be 15 bowlers available one Saturday so each team needs 5 and in the balancing you aren't necessarily always picking a best club XI in the 1's so you can ensure each team has enough bowling. That sort of thing. As 1st XI skipper you're also club skipper really, so have to try to see it from 2's and 3's perspectives (which can, sometimes, to their total annoyance, be pretty tough to empathise with).

Availability will do your head in!!!

On-field-wise, my approach, as I alluded to earlier, I like to think is quite philosophical. You will make some unbelievably inspired decisions and you will totally cock up as well. Make sure you take the credit for the former and blame the bowlers for the latter. Just got to try to do more of the former. But even then, firstly, there is nobody who knows what the right thing to do is every time and secondly, even if there was, you can do everything right but at some point their number 11 hits a Shanton wonderball for 6 to win the game with your best catcher tipping it over the boundary exactly where you put him. You won't have all the answers, you won't get it right a lot of the time, but you've got to take what you already have and know, apply it as best you can, and hope that more often than not it works. And obviously learn from any mistakes.

Some other random general rules I bore in mind or realised during my incumbency:

• Seldom listen to bowlers. In all seriousness. They are usually only seeing it from their 6 balls perspective. You are in charge of the whole game. They might think bowling 6 snorters at a rabbit has some worth and it's the rabbit's fault for not being good enough, whereas if you get Dougie to bowl a half tracker that the bunny can sky to the keeper, I'll take that every time. The smarter chuckers certainly know more about actually bowling than I do and what's best for them in the context of their own tactical approach at removing a batsman. Its a lot about knowing what you know and judging if its better or worse/more or less applicable, than what they know. Mostly the non-bowler will know best!!! There is nothing worse than someone who bowls one long hop an over refusing to let you put a man on the square leg boundary. In their head they're Glenn McGrath. I definitely experienced reluctance, or in one amusing instance outright hostility (from Worsnop) to the skipper changing 'their' field settings. In their defence, I think this is mostly because they had rarely if ever played under what they would see as a decent captain. Once they saw I wasn't just blindly fiddling, I think the mutual trust grew to the point I could tinker with fields as I saw fit. Of course its a democracy, but you are still the ultimate decider. Saying all this, my first question before a bowlers spell would usually be 'what do you want?'. Greatest ever bowler to walk onto the field, answered correctly the first time I ever asked him, "I don't mind, it's up to you" - Gaz T v Watsons 2011. His wisdom made him 6-39 as I built a keeper-point slip cordon with our 10 men while our absent skipper snoozed off a hangover. Case closed methinks.

• Decide what you are best at, where you should field/bat/bowl and stick to it. Too many captains start slipping themselves down the order.

• Be patient. I recall in a game v Heriots, they were something like 120-2 of 25 overs with a top bat at the crease chasing our 220. I was quite confident that if we just kept going as we were, we'd get a chance or two with the good batter and they had a long tail even although on paper they were coasting. When we were switching ends between overs, I remember Bonnie Prince Charlie sort of pleading/berating with me to do something and gesturing with outstretched arms. I replied something like 's'cool man, keep the faith, all under control' and in the end I think they were about 205 all out. Whose to say we mightn't have skittled them for 150 if I'd done things differently or if they'd have won by 8 wickets instead. All you can do is back yourself and hope you are right more often than not. This game was also notable in the career of El Presidente as he bowled the first and last over of the innings.

• All your best players will instantly become unavailable, indeed, some seem to go missing altogether, however they will all be replaced almost immediately by a new raft of talent who you will view with suspicion for opting for Arbo over the various majestic clubs and grounds that surround us.

That's all for now,

May the farce be with you.

Was this really only 18 months ago???

They don't write them like this anymore.

And was this really only 9 months ago?

Indoor 6's - Breaking News

Six of the Best

Bishop Lynch's 6-a-side reign began in spectacular fashion at Liberton High School on Friday night as the race for the Big Vacancy hotted up. However, in his absence (work commitments), skipper for the night, Dougie Russell stole the glory with a masterly display of skipmanship, leading his charges to two wins out of two.

Full details shall be posted on ESCA website in due course and relayed to this very place.

Fans of Cross cricket will surely be ecstatic to learn that all the action was captured and shall be posted in due course for future perusal. For the time being, surely no need to tinker with the SuperSonicSix that coldly and clinically dealt with the opposition. Even McGill would struggle to get in this side (is he being saved for the final, or is he unable to play inside due to smoking laws?)!!!

Scores went something like this:

HX v Boroughmuir (HX won toss, bowled first)

Boroughmuir  45 all out
Holy Cross    46-0 (8th over, Ellis/Millington)


HX v Tranent (Tranent won toss, bowled first)
Holy Cross    129 all out (10th over)
Tranent         55 all out (this is an approximate total, S Russell not out)

Rules:
Bowlings - 10 overs per side, 5 bowlers, 2 overs each. Leg side - wide, miss the mat - no ball/wide. Can catch batter out if ball bounces off the side wall on the full or roof.
Battings - Hit side wall - 1 run, hit wall behind bowler on the bounce - 4 runs, hit wall behind bowler on the full - 6 runs. Hit roof - 1 run. Take a run - 2 runs.

Report - In the three team group, Boroughmuir & Tranent faced off first allowing the Cross boys to get an idea of tactics. A plethora of run outs, as the games hall was reasonably tight, forged the idea not to take silly runs. This later resulted in no runs being taken by Ellis & Millington until the 7th over of our doughtily accomplished chase.

But first, despite a few lusty blows, Boroughmuir were unable to stay at the crease long enough. Gaware produced ball of the night with a full inswinger to empty one poor 'Muir man. Trewartha (loosish) & Russell (tight) kept it tightish enough before back to back Millington overs ended the Boroughmuir innings in the 6th over.

Ellis & Millington then built a solid base, giving nothing away and reaching the late 20's after 6 overs. The 7th over excellently brought the scores level and Milly (I think) hit the winning 1.

Straight back on we were put in by Tranent. Probably no need to remind folks that this pitted Russell v Russell. While Scott probably won the battle by carrying his bat, it was Dougie what won the war with the Cross victory!!! Ellis & Millington continued, the former battering 3x6's before retiring (mandatory) at 30. Milly perished, I holed out to square leg, but Dougie then reached 30, putting two not-outers back in the hutch. Vik fell with a trademark blast off the roof that got pouched. I think Gary was then run out bringing the incomparable Ellis and the indomitable Russell together. However Ellis sacrificed his wicket in the chase for runs and we finished with a well nice, but not spectacular 129. Tranent whapped 18 off the first over, but within 3-4 overs a couple of wickets fell and the scoring subdued and the result became inevitable.

All in all a very calm and assured performance. We weren't tested to our limits perhaps, but we were very happy with our poise (?) and I'm sure I speak for the whole team in saying it was a very enjoyable run-out.

Hollywood Legend Pictured In Edinburgh

Family Day Out

It could have been any father out for the day with his boys to watch some cricket at Portgower Place on Sunday. But this wasn't just any family outing. Original James Bond star, McGill Collins, took his boys to the set of 90's blockbuster 'The Masterton Files' and regaled the youngsters with the tale of how he bowled Don Bradman twice with one ball in the semi final.

Young Chuckie McGill (back row, left) was overheard openly questioning his fathers version of events having recently studied the account of a witness to the filming who wrote everything down in a scorebook.

Without pausing for breath, the ageing megastar explained to the first twins he had out of wedlock, EC & CA Hurley (back row centre & middle row centre) how, despite winning multiple Oscars every time he makes a movie, studio bosses keep freezing him out of summer blockbusters and forcing him to turn out in low budget B-movies.

Despite this marginalisation, ‘Cocko’ Collins still manages to direct some independent movies of an evening. He recently cast Bollywood sensation Vikramabawz Groweary in ‘75’, a short film about a street urchin who buys a magical shirt on the internet and turns into a run machine.

Cocko’s other twins, Shane (beard) & Prat Blanchett (back row right) announced they hope to shoot a movie at Portgower Place one day, though due to legal wrangles, all sets have been moved to nearby studios 20^th Century Fettes until further notice.

Geordie McGill (middle row left) appeared to be yet again engaged in his addiction to voicemail interception.

Cocko is probably best known for his role as ‘Mitch McGill’ a Portobello lifeguard in the Scorcese epic Deep Slippy Gully.

KF on ...... the Holy Cross Selection Committee

In his latest controversial* missive, KF turns his attention to the activities of the Selection Committee (current members: EC, SP(?), CS (?), MR (?), KL, CM plus match secretary).

Disclaimer: its contents do not necessarily reflect the views of Holy Cross ACC.

A reminder to all players:

1. The Selection Committee meets every Monday. To ensure total inaccuracy, this is conducted in a pub, preferably whilst taking part in the Pub Quiz. The process, documented in detail in the seminal 2009 document, Selection Problems No More, by the 1st XI skipper, involves pinning names of players (at least 51% must have unconfirmed availability) to a roulette wheel, spinning it and randomly allocating roles for the week within the club.

2. Players must make their unavailability unclear to someone who isn't Interim Match Secretary as soon after the fixture they are unavailable for has been concluded as possible. Accurate and timely information is frowned upon and may be dealt with sternly.

3. As soon as you become available, ensure you cast aspersions on every decision made by the carefree and thoughtless slackers who select the teams. These people insist on making a simple process incredibly complicated. to drive home the weight of your opinion, ensure that you cannot play the following weekend. Or the weekend after that.

4. Fit players are strictly forbidden. Any players reporting for a match in a fit state will immediately be put through a leisurely warm-up to rectify matters. For further reading see The Ecstasy & The Agony, the art of the celebration injury by Dr I Astley or Prof M Robertson's pamphlet, Marking out my run-up and other gunshot wounds, now featuring the bonus chapter The Pavement Sniper.

5. Any player unhappy with the team they are playing for is advised to wait a day until the teams are rejigged. To ensure total fairness this reselection is routinely performed on the evenings of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Also on the mornings of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. If a generally satisfactory outcome is reached by midday on Saturday, the allocated 3rd team skipper for the week (usually the 2nd team skipper) must take a bonus player from the 1sts or 2nds, especially if the 3rds only have 11 players.

6. When playing for the 1st XI, it is unsporting to beat any team in or near relegation difficulty. All victories must be obtained versus title-chasing sides only (but not Fauldhouse). In the 2nd XI, all victories are deemed unsporting and fielding with anything approaching competence is discouraged, especially by the bowlers who detest catches being taken off their bowling. In the 3rd XI, whilst victories are occasionally allowed, they should be restricted to those that are absolutely necessary to avoid relegation out of the league system altogether. It is also forbidden for the 3rd team to utilise a cricket pitch for games. Picturesque fields are preferred.

* you will recall that his previous post 'No Future' (still obtainable, whilst stocks last, from cje) was ruthlessly suppressed deemed a bit too controversial.

Huntly Memories

Some Crossers will have bad memories of taking on Huntly in the SCU Trophy of 2005...with 7 men (the full story of why we had 7 is too embarrassing to repeat here).

But at least we can now say that we were knocked about (seem to recall a ball being lost in the woods...) by a test cricketer: Azhar Ali, who was the Huntly Pro at the time and is batting at No. 3 for Pakistan at Lords.

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