Ex-pat Pat to be an ex-pat

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Captaincy Race Blown Wide Open

Cross captaincy leadership hopeful Bishop 'Pat' Lynch is both delighted and gutted to announce that he is not much longer to be a Crosser.

Due to personal reasons, he (and his good lady) shall soon be making a return back to Australia just in time for winter and those chilly 20-odd degree temperatures. Indeed, the move 'home' should all be done & dusted prior to our new season.

Headlines

For the rest of us, with the AGM tomorrow, we've been spared just in the nick of time, from a seasons worth of amazingly imaginative 'Lynch Mob' headlines in the EEN.

Captaincy

The Bishop had recently been propelled towards the top of a long list of contenders for the 1st XI captaincy. As usual, I was absolutely bang on in my analysis when I said "the best & worst sledger in the club holds the fatal 'early front-runner' tag".

Barbarism

The Bish has of course endeared himself to Crossers on various counts in his short stint at Arbo. He single-handedly halted the avalanche of Fair Play Awards we'd come to take for granted with his vicious weekly denunciations of young children in opposing teams.

Homoeroticism

However, his influence wasn't all good. Avoiding all national stereotypes Big Pat loved a XXXX or three, preferably mixed in with a bit of male bonding in the form of manly arm-wrestling (due to Arbo's strict No Sheep policy) which he has introduced of a Saturday evening. Will there be a 'Bishop Lynch Trophy' inaugurated in 2012 for the competition he established???

Fielding

The Bish also excelled in setting new standards in the field. Even if, like me, you weren't actually there, you will still vividly recall 'that drop' at Grange Loan. The ball being passed along the slip cordon and placed into the big man's pocket before he contrived to grass it. Sadly I have to mention his gravity defying, full stretch, once in an era catch at Roseburn a week later.

Swansong

So, whilst there won't be a big psuedo-religious Aussie leading our troops onto the field of battle this coming season, Pat will of course be leading us into the Games Hall of battle in the LiveSportOnTV Indoor 6's at Liberton High School this evening at 7.30*. Any East Academy players reading this might want to rush along to hand out some jip before the opportunity for revenge expires.

Leaving Drinks

No details as yet, but I'm sure something will be arranged.

* Despite the 6's taking place at the same time and in the same place every week, there has been a 'muck up with the booking' and there will be no 6's tonight.

KF on ...... the Holy Cross Selection Committee

In his latest controversial* missive, KF turns his attention to the activities of the Selection Committee (current members: EC, SP(?), CS (?), MR (?), KL, CM plus match secretary).

Disclaimer: its contents do not necessarily reflect the views of Holy Cross ACC.

A reminder to all players:

1. The Selection Committee meets every Monday. To ensure total inaccuracy, this is conducted in a pub, preferably whilst taking part in the Pub Quiz. The process, documented in detail in the seminal 2009 document, Selection Problems No More, by the 1st XI skipper, involves pinning names of players (at least 51% must have unconfirmed availability) to a roulette wheel, spinning it and randomly allocating roles for the week within the club.

2. Players must make their unavailability unclear to someone who isn't Interim Match Secretary as soon after the fixture they are unavailable for has been concluded as possible. Accurate and timely information is frowned upon and may be dealt with sternly.

3. As soon as you become available, ensure you cast aspersions on every decision made by the carefree and thoughtless slackers who select the teams. These people insist on making a simple process incredibly complicated. to drive home the weight of your opinion, ensure that you cannot play the following weekend. Or the weekend after that.

4. Fit players are strictly forbidden. Any players reporting for a match in a fit state will immediately be put through a leisurely warm-up to rectify matters. For further reading see The Ecstasy & The Agony, the art of the celebration injury by Dr I Astley or Prof M Robertson's pamphlet, Marking out my run-up and other gunshot wounds, now featuring the bonus chapter The Pavement Sniper.

5. Any player unhappy with the team they are playing for is advised to wait a day until the teams are rejigged. To ensure total fairness this reselection is routinely performed on the evenings of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Also on the mornings of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. If a generally satisfactory outcome is reached by midday on Saturday, the allocated 3rd team skipper for the week (usually the 2nd team skipper) must take a bonus player from the 1sts or 2nds, especially if the 3rds only have 11 players.

6. When playing for the 1st XI, it is unsporting to beat any team in or near relegation difficulty. All victories must be obtained versus title-chasing sides only (but not Fauldhouse). In the 2nd XI, all victories are deemed unsporting and fielding with anything approaching competence is discouraged, especially by the bowlers who detest catches being taken off their bowling. In the 3rd XI, whilst victories are occasionally allowed, they should be restricted to those that are absolutely necessary to avoid relegation out of the league system altogether. It is also forbidden for the 3rd team to utilise a cricket pitch for games. Picturesque fields are preferred.

* you will recall that his previous post 'No Future' (still obtainable, whilst stocks last, from cje) was ruthlessly suppressed deemed a bit too controversial.

Breaking News....Missing Edinburgh Man 'safe and well'

An international manhunt involving various border authorities has ended with the man reunited with his wife - on holiday on the island of Bermeja. Her early morning call had sparked a wave of panic amongst Crossers (who was going to roll the wicket?) and the UK Treasury (who else would maintain UK sales of cigarettes and whisky?).

The man had last been seen - in the vicinity of Newfield - accepting a lift from a suspicious owner of a white van. Though supposedly en route to the Old Bell public house (Causewayside), he had not been seen since. His whereabouts during the 'missing hours' remain a mystery. This hasn't prevented an orgy of speculation, such as this from a 'RB': 'had he gone out s*****ng with S*****rs?'.