Top Job In Scottish Cricket Still Up For Grabs

EVEN MORE NEW ODDS ADDED - 01/02/12
NEW ODDS ADDED 31/01/12

It's been the hot topic in Tanning Salon's and Nail Bar's since last August when Western Union bound E.C. Smith (???) announced he was abdicating from the exalted post of Holy Cross 1st XI Capitan.

With the new season now only 82 days away and no sign of an AGM to settle matters, the bookies have been in meltdown trying to sort out odds as potential candidates jostle for position.

God smote, The Bish merely sledges

Bishop Lynch - 5/4
With one full season under his belt and any notions of bettering us well & truly kyboshed, the best & worst sledger in the club holds the fatal 'early front-runner' tag. The Bishop has promised to maintain the standards set in recent years and not be available as often as possible to allow sniping and side-plotting against him to prosper out of earshot.

Maddoug Russell - 7/4

Slapper

As Scottish as The Krankies this candidate also shares many other characteristics with Scotland's first couple. He has maintained an open relationship with HX over the years, often moving out of the family home at Arboretum to sample the delights on offer elsewhere before returning to his true love.

How can you not love this man???

Sir Thomas Sheridan - 5/1
A surprise inclusion for some, Scotland's most famous swinger (usually away swinging) has, this very day been uncaged and is available for selection. Known to favour the Cross, having no cricketing ability, but, being born to lead, Sir Tam is an almost perfect fit for the current vacancy.

PVB batting with Spickers

P.V.B. - 5/1
While all Crossers bar one mature with age, this candidate is improving faster than most. Sharp analysis, erudite comments, flawless manners and an understanding of how our great game should be played, what an ambassador we'd have if PVB (as he's known) could garner enough support to launch a campaign.

Geeza job?

Straussy Strauss - 8/1
Don't tell anyone but Straussy will soon be looking for a job. Obvious deficiencies on the field are made up off the field as a consummate engager with the gentlefolk of the press. While he might be 6th or 7th choice to open the batting for us, at least there'd be less inaccurate guff in the local rag.

Ziggy getting ready for work

Anzlm Cydzk - 25/1
There is surely one more season of captaincy left in the popular (once he became) former 2's skip. A lack of vowels have always hindered Zggy with Crossers on the far right and it's unclear if he could now raise enough votes from the left with the appearance of Sir Tommy in the race.

Two good for the 1's

Nozzer Webb - 33/1
Clearly a star on the rise, probably the 3rd most popular new player at the Cross in a decade behind Shambles and Gawarawalapindi Express. However there is still unfinished business for Noz in the 2's where he'll struggle to raise support for a move to the 1's.

<comment deleted by lawyers>

Andy 'Hahaha' Coulson - 50/1
Driven out of his job at Downing Street (by a chauffeur in a Bentley no doubt), Coulson has been looking for a change of career and may be up for some unpaid voluntary work (at his old chum Call-Me-Dave's insistence). The type of guy who loves being taken under the wing of a megalomaniac dictator to anonymously do his bidding and take the hit when it inevitably goes tits-up, I'm sure he'd nuzzle into Lord Admin in no time.

Admin pictured in 1893

Lord Admin - 100/1
Were Coulson to pull out due to unfounded press smears about his propriety, Lord Admin may have to accept a shortening of the odds. When asked about the captaincy, retorts like "f*** off" and "stick that right up yer bahooky" don't deflect some observers from thinking that 1st Team Captain is the job he covets most of all. The more vociferously he says no, the more some folk seem to think he wants it.







Frazerio - 100/1

Another game, another jaffa first up!!!

Unlikely to make a return to mediocre captaincy any time soon due to an equally unlikely Rider List. Conditions include 'pushing back starting times to 1400 hours', 'complete and total player availability' and 'being carried to and from the field of play in a green & gold Sedan Chair'.

Mug Shot!!!

McGill - 1000/1
In good grace Coco has once again agreed to lend us his considerable skills (both cricketing and oratorial) in spite of the constant abuse and ridicule we heap upon him and big money offers from elsewhere. If we weren't 99% stupid, we'd realise the gem we have in our midst and promote the Honorory Midweek Captain to the position he (says he) well and truly deserves. At 109 years old though, time is catching up on the old dear and there are lingering concerns he may have lost a yard of pace since his heyday in the 1930's.

Due to a flurry of betting activity (i.e. one person saying 'where's GT on the list?') the following odds are now added.

Gaz ThreeforFourforFiveforWartha - 9/4

Ye couldny make it up - meet Michelle Trewartha

The most obvious difficulty with GT's sudden promotion to third favourite in the running is, would his name even fit on the Captain's board (especially if he starts taking 6-for and more)? Logistics aside, doubts remain whether GT could lead a side to victory against the East Academy after recent Wif Waf pics appeared on a sleazy website. Does he have the killer instinct to bowl fast & short at kids - probably not? The Bishop & Maddoug wouldn't think twice!!!

CA's real twin already down under

C.A. - 150/1
C.A., which is short for 'Standards' might prove a controversial choice. He's known to accept conventional coaching wisdom and a is a favourer of established club no-no's like warming up (pointless) and warming back down again (doubly pointless - fact - end of). However with the imminent relocation to Oz, his availability should be a bit better than it's ever been. Still has kudos in spades after a legendary 'tour fine' when, as a fledgling powerlifter he joined the Astley-era Cross on tour in Bampton and incurred a penalty for being a 'Drain on the Safety of the Club'.

Dennis 'Spick' Pickering - 20/1
2011 was a tough year for the VC. Plagued by hacking allegations during the whole NotW fiasco and then pretty much becoming full-time skipper whenever E.C. couldn't be ersed (every week). But with the appointment of Martin O'Neill on Wearside it could be a whole new era for Arbo's favourite (only) mackem. Could he too be rejuvenated, or will the big money lure of London leave Crossers wondering 'What if...?'

Sir Shanton John/Bimbo Furnish (Joint tickets) - 12/1
Our favourite new gay Dad's initially thought they'd be missing most of the season after Sir Shanton John recently gave birth, however their Relate counsellor suggested they share baby duties taking it Saturday about. So although they will only be available half the season each, I'm assured there will always be a Bonfridge available if selected (although Sir Shanton looks different without the beard would Rab Bonfridge really fancy the preening Diva if he wasn't a multi-award winning, globe-trotting, sporting superstar feted wherever he goes - doubts always linger with such celeb match-ups)!!! Who is the Daddy??? I actually don't want to know!!!

Smokin Hottie - 5/2
All joking aside now, time to get super serious. I'm sure you'll agree there isn't enough filth on here so I couldn't help typing 'smokin hottie' into t'internet and finally settled on this, er, smokin hottie. Gratuitous it may be, but this sort of journalism should propel me into the employment of a national title in no time. My skills are quite obviously wasted on here, but when aren't they??? Ms Hottie tells me her main campaign point will be to try to convince PVB that lighting up on the field of play is no bad thing and I'd like to see that Club Legend try and disagree (while another aforementioned Club Legend starts his engine).



STILL more odds available on request.

(not) Breaking News (any more) - President to be challenged!!!

Reports in the News of the World yesterday linked retired hitman Roy 'Wotthefeckurulookinat' Keane with a move for the Presidency itself. Keane told Screws insiders "I've got the feckin beard for it so I have".

Arm-wrestling contender

The Abu Dhabi Downfall Postulation

'Scuse me umps, what did you think of that one?

I've been formulating a kernel of an idea for a while now and I'd like to put it out there and invite your thinkings on the subject.

As 'Village Standard' cricketers, we've all been involved in collapses or on the receiving end of hidings. Mostly this is easily explained away because the Oppo 2nd XI vice skippers mate happened to be in Edinburgh that week and he is the third Waugh twin, or maybe the pitch became unplayable at Tea after a seasonal downpour. Sometimes the 13 year old 4th change bowler in Division 7 will go on to become Murali or Warne and never better the 9-1 he took at Arbo. Simply put, there are usually very obvious reasons why one team trounces the other.

Scaling up now to the international stage. The number 1 Test ranked nation have been our southern cousins* for a wee while now (not that you ever hear them mention it). While this noble achievement was reached including the hiding of Australia** down there, the point is often made that there have been no victories over India, Pakistan or Sri Lanka in the back yards of those nations where Pace and Seam fade in the shadow of Turn. While this England mob are rightly ranked at number 1 just now, to move into the more transcendental all-time-great-sides lists, they're going to have to win a series or two against those sides, in those countries.

Therefore the series v Pakistan on neutral, but surely more Pakistan friendly turf has to be viewed as a stern test in the progression of this England side towards the pantheonic debates of all-time great status.

Received wisdom around the first test was that the pitch was decent for batting, but England simply couldn't cope with the regulation spin of Mr Ajmaal and took a horsing inside 3 days. Nothing too irregular, just an age old weakness being exposed once again.

However, in the 2nd Test, as a more professional and resourceful package than sides of yesteryear, England looked to have improved or acclimatised enough to the point where after 3 innings, Boycott (never wrong, ever) had bet his property portfolio on them levelling the series. Ajmaal was no longer a great threat and the England bowling and fielding performance and attitude were more or less at the level they have been for the last 3 years or more. There was very little to suggest what was about to happen.

England's new number 3?

As with all arguments, one can select the stats to back up the personal beliefs. I'll stick to just one. Between them, 9 England batsmen could muster only 13 runs in that 4th innings. Once the rot started, there seemed to be a collective infection of the English team and it wasn't just likely that they were rushing headlong towards calamity, but that there was absolutely nothing any of them could do to arrest the decline. The pitch wasn't spitting, the bowlers weren't on fire and the batsmen weren't Chris Martin's. Yet total defeat had somehow become inevitable.

Finally, you will be pleased to know, I'm reaching my point!!!

When a side is in meltdown and it is apparently nothing to do with ability, conditions, history, injuries, circumstance, coaching etc, when there is no obvious reason why an able side, in good mental health and with a track record of dealing with adverse situations begin to absolutely implode, I think there needs to be a name for the syndrome and I'm going to propose the following definition:

Abu Dhabi Downfall - when a sporting team, especially in cricket, succumb to a catastrophic loss of ability and form at the same time leading to inevitable defeat long before the end of the contest.

There is obviously the possibility that you think there was a more obvious reason for such an inept capitulation, I'd counter that any cricket team in any conditions would struggle to do that badly even if they tried to, never mind ones whose players are on about £300k a year.

Thoughts appreciated.

Apologies for those with a shorter attention span, I couldn't fit that into 140 characters.

* I've stated before, do so again now and no doubt will again in the future, that I think the England cricket team has to be renamed. Robert Croft, Eoin Morgan, Mike Denness etc show quite clearly (to me) that it's a British side, not an English one (no need to mention any overseas born 'Englishmen').
**Albeit a transitional Australian side beset by injuries and operating under a Selection Panel that would make its mid-80's English equivalent appear like enlightened tactical genuises.

GT 2nd in TT

Allround sportsman Gary Trewartha had a fine run in the Division 2 event at the Edinburgh table tennis championships on Sunday...unfortunately in the final he met his match...

Exclusive Big Match Footage - LiveSportOn.TV Indoor 6's

HOLY CROSS V BOROUGHMUIR COMPLETE
ONE OR TWO CLIPS PENDING FROM THE TRANENT GAME.

The future is finally here. In case you didn't notice the link in Charlie's comment in the previous report, herein lies surely the first ever representation of a Cross innings on a Manhattan Skyline style graph. Essential viewing!!!

Sensational Statisticals

Also essential viewing for any dedicated Crosser's are the following clips documenting the matches pretty much in their entirety.

Allowance must be made for the initial stop-start nature of the clips which are sometimes a ball or two at a time. By the end HX Productions managed to film the action an over at a time.

HX v BOROUGHMUIR
1st Innings (Boroughmuir)

2nd Innings (HX)

HX v TRANENT
1st Innings (HX)

2nd Innings (Tranent)

Indoor 6's - Breaking News

Six of the Best

Bishop Lynch's 6-a-side reign began in spectacular fashion at Liberton High School on Friday night as the race for the Big Vacancy hotted up. However, in his absence (work commitments), skipper for the night, Dougie Russell stole the glory with a masterly display of skipmanship, leading his charges to two wins out of two.

Full details shall be posted on ESCA website in due course and relayed to this very place.

Fans of Cross cricket will surely be ecstatic to learn that all the action was captured and shall be posted in due course for future perusal. For the time being, surely no need to tinker with the SuperSonicSix that coldly and clinically dealt with the opposition. Even McGill would struggle to get in this side (is he being saved for the final, or is he unable to play inside due to smoking laws?)!!!

Scores went something like this:

HX v Boroughmuir (HX won toss, bowled first)

Boroughmuir  45 all out
Holy Cross    46-0 (8th over, Ellis/Millington)


HX v Tranent (Tranent won toss, bowled first)
Holy Cross    129 all out (10th over)
Tranent         55 all out (this is an approximate total, S Russell not out)

Rules:
Bowlings - 10 overs per side, 5 bowlers, 2 overs each. Leg side - wide, miss the mat - no ball/wide. Can catch batter out if ball bounces off the side wall on the full or roof.
Battings - Hit side wall - 1 run, hit wall behind bowler on the bounce - 4 runs, hit wall behind bowler on the full - 6 runs. Hit roof - 1 run. Take a run - 2 runs.

Report - In the three team group, Boroughmuir & Tranent faced off first allowing the Cross boys to get an idea of tactics. A plethora of run outs, as the games hall was reasonably tight, forged the idea not to take silly runs. This later resulted in no runs being taken by Ellis & Millington until the 7th over of our doughtily accomplished chase.

But first, despite a few lusty blows, Boroughmuir were unable to stay at the crease long enough. Gaware produced ball of the night with a full inswinger to empty one poor 'Muir man. Trewartha (loosish) & Russell (tight) kept it tightish enough before back to back Millington overs ended the Boroughmuir innings in the 6th over.

Ellis & Millington then built a solid base, giving nothing away and reaching the late 20's after 6 overs. The 7th over excellently brought the scores level and Milly (I think) hit the winning 1.

Straight back on we were put in by Tranent. Probably no need to remind folks that this pitted Russell v Russell. While Scott probably won the battle by carrying his bat, it was Dougie what won the war with the Cross victory!!! Ellis & Millington continued, the former battering 3x6's before retiring (mandatory) at 30. Milly perished, I holed out to square leg, but Dougie then reached 30, putting two not-outers back in the hutch. Vik fell with a trademark blast off the roof that got pouched. I think Gary was then run out bringing the incomparable Ellis and the indomitable Russell together. However Ellis sacrificed his wicket in the chase for runs and we finished with a well nice, but not spectacular 129. Tranent whapped 18 off the first over, but within 3-4 overs a couple of wickets fell and the scoring subdued and the result became inevitable.

All in all a very calm and assured performance. We weren't tested to our limits perhaps, but we were very happy with our poise (?) and I'm sure I speak for the whole team in saying it was a very enjoyable run-out.

Indoor 6's preview

As published in the Evening News on the 17th of January.

Crossers Are Revolting

Fidel - not serious enough!!!

Late last season I was set the task of sorting out the apparent shambles that's being made of the way things are run by our democratically elected representatives. My response was that when the Uni-educated intelligentsia are asking unemployed slackers to come up with answers, we must be in even more trouble than we thought. The intelligentsia replied that a certain Karl Marx was unemployed when he came up with his stuff, and so I set to work.

I'm nearing the completion of my Masterplan (don't worry Mr Admin, I'll email it rather than post it here), but as a taster, I thought I'd leak my Interim Cabinet to the public. I've been delighted to be able to populate my Revolutionary Government almost entirely with noble Brothers of the Cross. In fact, I suspect we'd possibly make a better government than cricket team!!!

I would also like to make it clear that availability issues shall not be tolerated. Once selected for your country, you must serve. This isn't a dumb system where egotistical power-hungry megalomaniac's are allowed to fight tooth and nail to gain office through a 'democratic' process. This system relies on your Benevolent Dictator (me of course) picking the best talent and getting the job done good and proper!!!

One Country

Many Regions

The only actual politics I'll state as a precursor to understanding the appointments is, the UK shall remain as a whole (see physical map (left)), but it shall be devolved (see political map (right)). This logic shall, in due course be applied to the Island of West Britain, as yet I'm undecided whether to give the north back to the south, or whether to annex the whole flamin lot of it!!! Either way, you just know they won't be happy.





Head of State
Ceremonial Queen - King Alex (House of Salmond)
Ceremonial Heiress - Prince Colin (House of McGill)
Welcome to your new royal family. They are purely ribbon-cutters and hand shakers and must travel around together at all times in case there's an accident!!! Also, until we come up with a system for selecting these puppets, Prince Tommy (House of Sheridan) is 1st reserve as soon as he is released from the clink for bringing down the News of the World (I still don't understand how Sheridan lied and got the jail, whilst Bird, Coulson etc also lied but walked free, but hey, our Revolucion will stop such injustices occurring in future).

Head of Government
Party Chairdude - J.K. Fraser
Deputy Chairdude - M Broonster

Treasury
Chancellor of the Exchequer - Mr Admin

• Chief Secretary to the Treasury - C.O. Smith
• Paymaster General - Bishop Lynch
• Parliamentary Secretary to the Treasury (Chief Whip) - A Graham

Treasury Concern - Where can we possibly make savings???

Home Office
Secretary of State for Home Affairs - C.J. Ellis

• Minister of State for Safety - S.M. Bonfield

Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs - R Dannreuther

Secretary of State for Defence - N Chomsky
This should free up a large chunk of the budget for other things as I doubt he'll be much of a fan of threatening to nuke folk.

Secretary of State for Justice - E.C. Smith

Secretary of State for Health - C.A. Smith
This post shall likely be transferred to S.M. Bonfield once C.A.S. is deported & S.M.B. has implemented his Safety reforms (for which, you must await the manifesto itself).

Secretary of State for Education - PVB.

Secretary of State for Business - R Worsnop

Secretary of State for Work & Pensions - Comrade Geddes

First task for Comrade Geddes - benefit scroungers!!!

Secretary of State for Transport - N Webb

Secretary of State for Energy & the Environment - El Presidente

Department for Culture, Media & Sport

Secretary for Culture Media & Sport - Pat Nevin

• Minister of State for Culture - Lauren Laverne
• Minister of State for Media - Ian Hislop
• Minister of State for Sport - Baroness Grey-Thompson

Secretary of State for International Development - M Din

Secretary of State for Rural Affairs - R Bainbridge

Minister for Women & Equalities - Gorgeous George Galloway

Department for Tourism

Secretary of State for Tourism - King Alex

Assistant Secretary of State for Tourism - Prince Colin

Parliament of South East Britain

Regional Chairdude - S.G. Pickering

Location - Yorkshire

Parliament of Northern Britain

Regional Chairdude - J.Douglas Russell

Location - Holyrood

Parliament of Offshore West Britain

Regional Chairdude - A Quinn

Location - Stormont

Parliament of West Britain
Regional Chairdude - to be decided
Location - to be decided

Secretary of State for the Commonwealth - V Gaware

All suggestions and comments shall be considered, but should they not be 'right-minded', you may get a visit from my Head of Secret Police, a certain Michael De La Rugbyclub (no picture supplied as I've discovered it's quite difficult to get a picture off the internet of secret police).

Apologies to any able bodies who haven't received a ministerial brief. First of all, the Home Secretary is going to have his work cut out when I unleash my Manifesto so you may get roped into helping 'roll the wicket' or 'put out the flags' at the Home Office. If that's not your bag, I doubt it will be long until I have to start sacking folk for breaches of the Ministerial Code so there should be some vacancies soon enough.

CA's memorable moments

To commemorate CA's departure, it has been suggested that a list of his finest performances be placed on the HX blog. However another Crosser Bainbro has insisted that the focus should be on those moments which others will remember more vividly. As EC once commented, when CA is dismissed he looks completely baffled...as if the laws of physics had momentarily been suspended (something to do with Higgs boson??) or as if he'd had a black-out at the key moment. Some of the moments that Bainbro insisted I list include:

*On the Tour of 2000: getting dismissed lbw at Powerstock (was smacking it to all parts at the time after 1 hr in the nets with the Dr) then taking a trip to the local church-1/2 mile away- to reflect on the justice or otherwise of the decision.

*Making a 3ft by 2ft divot in the Glenrothes square after being dismissed in 2010-as recounted in the match report: 'Amid this collapse Calum played brightly and scored at a good rate. But, after missing with the same shot twice in the over, he tried to pull a short ball from Khan and was lb - at least he took it in good grace (I hope repairing the crater in the Glenrothes’ square won’t take too many hours/months…C. A. Smith clearly the early leader in the 'race' for the Bradley Trophy).'

* Blame the umpire! Ranting after nicking a very wide delivery in a cup match in 2011. The previous delivery had been slightly wide (but correctly not wided by umpire Pickering)...CA went off complaining about Spick's umpiring: "you forced me to play at that one".. Spicker's reply: "No, but that one really was a wide".

*D'oh! Playing like Ian Bell on steroids at Freuchie, getting himself to 40 odd with a series of superb attacking strokes-holing out to a deep square leg who CA hadn't spotted being deployed....at the rate he was going he might well have broken the 1st XI record (132) in about 80 balls...

*CA misfields on the mid wicket boundary (turning a single into 4...)...who does he blame?...his brother for disturbing his concentration!

* Telling Robin off for not giving him NOT out lbw at Glenrothes in 2011.

* Berating the umpire at Carlton in 2011 regarding a run out decision..the umpire was at least 13..

Feel free to add your own CA memories.

STOP PRESS:
Another senior HX player KF insists this be mentioned:

'There was one, maybe v Fauldhouse at home when I was captain. KF/CA opened the batting and I got hit on the toe and was manfully persevering, hardly able to walk. I inside edge/padded one straight at square leg in the same over. As I tapped my bat down behind the crease I was startled as CA suddenly appeared by my side, all red faced and screaming YES!!! I replied 'no' and he made off for his second run to try to make it back, but, despite his obligatory full length dive, he didn't make it (I've watched Dougie try to run me out in this exact way too). I made sure I was well out his way as he walked off before getting myself out next over. The sensible thing, with hindsight, would have been to leave my crease once he arrived and sacrifice me, the injured player but I wasn't sure if the ump knew I'd nicked it or if it might have been given as a leg bye to extras so I stayed put'. 

hx-cricket-tweeters

Those who wish to follow the narcissistic outpourings wit and wisdom of the growing band of Crossers on Twitter can now do so here:

https://twitter.com/#!/HXCricket/hx-cricket-tweeters

Farewell to CA

As you'll be aware, Calum is heading off to Australia this month.

To bid him farewell, the soc sec has suggested that Crossers convene at St Vincents on St. Vincent Street on Friday 13th Jan - from 7pm onwards.