dont PANIC.

Frazerio says calm doon, its business as usual

This current Ashes might seem like a bewildering reversal of the form book to some, but I've rustled up a whole bunch of solutions to the predicament that 'England's' 'finest' currently face.

These do not emanate from within my own brain however, instead I have dredged internet comment sections to present Flowery with a range of options.

Bat Belly at 3

Send for Colly

Drop Pietersen, Prior, Anderson & Swann

Don't drop Pietersen, Prior, Anderson & Swann

Take the captaincy from Cooky to let him concentrate on his batting. Replace with Broady

Pick Rankin and tell him to bowl as fast as he can

Drop Cooky down the order

Why the panic? Johnson only bagged 5 tail-enders and a couple of out of sorts batter chaps

Send for Straussy

Bairstow for Prior, no debate, internet unanimous

Now that Australia have been lulled into a false sense of security...

Patience, Cook & KP are just one innings away from a score

Stop all this 'Finn is unpickable' nonsense

Send for Brian Close

Ad-hoc Ashes Spraffings cont

Unbeloivable mate

Was speaking to a mate the other day who was asking me what I thought the Australians chances were in this Ashes series. After reminding him predictions were for plonkers, I replied 'absolute doddle mate, Aussies will walk it 4-0. This England mob are ageing, unmotivated and lead by a feeble skipper who can't score runs'.

Seems the Aussies took my previous advice and began praying hard for Harris & Johnson after day 1 - accumulated figures so far 9-103 compared to Anderson & Broad 10-276.

I went to bed during England's first innings (day 2) just after KP gave his wicket away. At this point there was nothing at all suggest what would come.

It had been a strange mornings play up til that point. Carberry looked like he'd ease his way to a triple century although Cook didnt look too comfy. The Aussie bowlers were adhering to one dimensional plans e.g. for Cook, it was to pitch it on a good to full length and not allow him any freebies off the back foot.

Johnson having sprayed half his deliveries down leg was swiftly removed after just 3 poor overs. Harris and Siddle barely kept me awake and then just like that, Harris bowled the very first good ball of the morning, Cook snicked it and the whole momentum shifted.

On yer bike Trott!!!

Trott arrived with his impeccable Test average and proceeded to bat like a complete fandangle. It appears he can't play short balls. It appears the opposition have taken 3,700 odd test runs to figure this out. It appears all the Aussies have to do is bowl short at him. In no time he was shuffling back to the dressing room. On this form his place in the second test must be in doubt, in fact his whole future England career must hang in the balance. And I was calling him world class four days ago.

And I think that was more or less the best of the English innings over. Fantabulous for the neutral, Series on!!!

What surprises me is the simplicity of the Australian revival. They have a few ridiculously obvious plans and they're sticking to them. And the mighty England can't cope.

1. Nothing short at Cook
2. Everything short at Trott
3. Spinner against KP
4. Get Johnson to bowl fast
5. Attack Swann (and third seamer if possible)

There is some solace for panicking English. I'd advise they get a couple of simple plans of their own (as long as one of them is not Broad bowling short at Clarke who slapped the first bouncer he faced in the 2nd innings for 4 in about as perfect a text book example as he could manage, but this didn't stop Broad feeding him a few more before Cook wisely changed bowlers). For instance, if England can't find a chink in Warner's armour and exploit it, they don't deserve to win a single test match in this series.

There is also the curious accumulation of first innings disasters by England on foreign tours in the last couple of years. From an English point of view, this test is just a continuation in this sequence and therefore not worth worrying too much about. I will turn my attention to trying to solve this curiosity once I've worked out how it is that Hearts are able to continuously get the better of Hibs in Edinburgh derbies no matter the year, personnel or disgraceful condition of the former.

Last Trophy of 2011: First of 2012..

Presidents Trophy Final Replay -29/4/12
At Grange Loan.

Fauldhouse 103ao (33.5 overs)
D. Mulligan 51
S. Bonfield 6-11

Holy Cross 104/4 (29 overs)
D. Russell 40
D. Law 2-28

Possibly too cold for cricket..

Cheers to:
Carlton CC for hosting and preparing a good strip.
The umpires (Bruce Dixon and Jim Brims) for sticking it out in such dire weather.
Popey for travelling up and stepping in as sub keeper.
Roshan for turning out and putting in a good shift in the field.
Coco and Jon for scoring.

Good catches to dismiss Zahid (EC) and Derek (Andy Q) were crucial to keeping the Fauldhouse score low. Shannon in fine form - off stump taking a bit of a beating.

...breaking news...
more good news.. Nozzer makes the semi-final of his Pool tournament...

Crossers Are Revolting

Fidel - not serious enough!!!

Late last season I was set the task of sorting out the apparent shambles that's being made of the way things are run by our democratically elected representatives. My response was that when the Uni-educated intelligentsia are asking unemployed slackers to come up with answers, we must be in even more trouble than we thought. The intelligentsia replied that a certain Karl Marx was unemployed when he came up with his stuff, and so I set to work.

I'm nearing the completion of my Masterplan (don't worry Mr Admin, I'll email it rather than post it here), but as a taster, I thought I'd leak my Interim Cabinet to the public. I've been delighted to be able to populate my Revolutionary Government almost entirely with noble Brothers of the Cross. In fact, I suspect we'd possibly make a better government than cricket team!!!

I would also like to make it clear that availability issues shall not be tolerated. Once selected for your country, you must serve. This isn't a dumb system where egotistical power-hungry megalomaniac's are allowed to fight tooth and nail to gain office through a 'democratic' process. This system relies on your Benevolent Dictator (me of course) picking the best talent and getting the job done good and proper!!!

One Country

Many Regions

The only actual politics I'll state as a precursor to understanding the appointments is, the UK shall remain as a whole (see physical map (left)), but it shall be devolved (see political map (right)). This logic shall, in due course be applied to the Island of West Britain, as yet I'm undecided whether to give the north back to the south, or whether to annex the whole flamin lot of it!!! Either way, you just know they won't be happy.





Head of State
Ceremonial Queen - King Alex (House of Salmond)
Ceremonial Heiress - Prince Colin (House of McGill)
Welcome to your new royal family. They are purely ribbon-cutters and hand shakers and must travel around together at all times in case there's an accident!!! Also, until we come up with a system for selecting these puppets, Prince Tommy (House of Sheridan) is 1st reserve as soon as he is released from the clink for bringing down the News of the World (I still don't understand how Sheridan lied and got the jail, whilst Bird, Coulson etc also lied but walked free, but hey, our Revolucion will stop such injustices occurring in future).

Head of Government
Party Chairdude - J.K. Fraser
Deputy Chairdude - M Broonster

Treasury
Chancellor of the Exchequer - Mr Admin

• Chief Secretary to the Treasury - C.O. Smith
• Paymaster General - Bishop Lynch
• Parliamentary Secretary to the Treasury (Chief Whip) - A Graham

Treasury Concern - Where can we possibly make savings???

Home Office
Secretary of State for Home Affairs - C.J. Ellis

• Minister of State for Safety - S.M. Bonfield

Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs - R Dannreuther

Secretary of State for Defence - N Chomsky
This should free up a large chunk of the budget for other things as I doubt he'll be much of a fan of threatening to nuke folk.

Secretary of State for Justice - E.C. Smith

Secretary of State for Health - C.A. Smith
This post shall likely be transferred to S.M. Bonfield once C.A.S. is deported & S.M.B. has implemented his Safety reforms (for which, you must await the manifesto itself).

Secretary of State for Education - PVB.

Secretary of State for Business - R Worsnop

Secretary of State for Work & Pensions - Comrade Geddes

First task for Comrade Geddes - benefit scroungers!!!

Secretary of State for Transport - N Webb

Secretary of State for Energy & the Environment - El Presidente

Department for Culture, Media & Sport

Secretary for Culture Media & Sport - Pat Nevin

• Minister of State for Culture - Lauren Laverne
• Minister of State for Media - Ian Hislop
• Minister of State for Sport - Baroness Grey-Thompson

Secretary of State for International Development - M Din

Secretary of State for Rural Affairs - R Bainbridge

Minister for Women & Equalities - Gorgeous George Galloway

Department for Tourism

Secretary of State for Tourism - King Alex

Assistant Secretary of State for Tourism - Prince Colin

Parliament of South East Britain

Regional Chairdude - S.G. Pickering

Location - Yorkshire

Parliament of Northern Britain

Regional Chairdude - J.Douglas Russell

Location - Holyrood

Parliament of Offshore West Britain

Regional Chairdude - A Quinn

Location - Stormont

Parliament of West Britain
Regional Chairdude - to be decided
Location - to be decided

Secretary of State for the Commonwealth - V Gaware

All suggestions and comments shall be considered, but should they not be 'right-minded', you may get a visit from my Head of Secret Police, a certain Michael De La Rugbyclub (no picture supplied as I've discovered it's quite difficult to get a picture off the internet of secret police).

Apologies to any able bodies who haven't received a ministerial brief. First of all, the Home Secretary is going to have his work cut out when I unleash my Manifesto so you may get roped into helping 'roll the wicket' or 'put out the flags' at the Home Office. If that's not your bag, I doubt it will be long until I have to start sacking folk for breaches of the Ministerial Code so there should be some vacancies soon enough.

Quiz Goes OLD SKOOL

A Catholic Education

Yo Homies!!!

Accusations of dumbing down accepted!!!

This years HX Quiz goes straight back to the Old Skool!!!

After last years HNC level onslaught from a Quizmasta wot overjudged his Peeps, this year subjects will dip down into the High School syllabus including:

(translations in brackets for U30's)

Quizmasta K

Maths (counting)

English (txts & twitter)

Geography (places)

Science (totally crazy s***)

Music (choons)

Spelling (spelling)

Be there or don't be square!!! Friday 9th December for a 7pm start. Canny wait.

Cross 1- Largo 1, 3rds Won!

Saturday results digest:

1sts.-at East Drive, Largo

Largo 92ao
R. Worsnop 3/19
S. Bonfield 3/22
P. Lynch 2/22

Holy Cross 93/1
E. Smith 30*
S. Pickering 24
C. Ellis 29*

2nds (Arbo)
Holy Cross 2nd XI 139 (R Samuel 37; R Mowat 3-5)
Largo 2nd XI 140-8 (G Lohan 3 for not many but more than Bob Mowat).

Reports on the above matches (from Largo perspective)
http://tinyurl.com/6ksepmj

Admin adds: A brisk start against the Largo openers took us to 60-1 after about 12 and briefly sparked dreams of 200+. The introduction of slower change bowlers, notably the evergreen Bob Mowat, brought wickets and slowed the scoring so far that 100+ now looked good. Big hitting from Roshan (two 6s this week) made 150+ look possible before the last two wickets fell in two balls.

Vik and Roshan then bowled tight, accurate opening bursts before Gerry took three wickets in a typically skillful and miserly spell. With the opposition 60-odd for 4 and later 100-odd for 7 20 points looked on, but some sensible and spirited batting from the young tail saw Largo home. Certainly better than last week, especially the catching, but still much room for improvement. PS - nice to see Popey on a flying visit from Leeds.


3rds (Inverleith)

SMRH 3rds 177-8
Robin MacQueen 45, David Naper 32, Ewan Campbell 25*
Keith Geddes 2-30

Holy Cross 3rds 178-6 in 36.3 overs
Mike Nevin 39, Brian Fraser 31*, Ken Lawrie 25
Oscar Ball 2-32

...further details to follow...

Breaking News....McGill is 'bowler of the year'

http://www.cricketscotland.com/AwardsfortheBest

This, along with his other great achievements can be celebrated this Saturday (contact Bainbro for details, though I believe that things kick off at The Stockbridge Tap at 6pm..)