Holy Cross Cricket Club: Unacceptable faces of Scottish Cricket

Showing posts with label Unacceptable faces of Scottish Cricket. Show all posts

Monday, 30 January 2012

Top Job In Scottish Cricket Still Up For Grabs

EVEN MORE NEW ODDS ADDED - 01/02/12
~~NEW ODDS ADDED 31/01/12~~

It's been the hot topic in Tanning Salon's and Nail Bar's since last August when Western Union bound E.C. Smith (???) announced he was abdicating from the exalted post of Holy Cross 1st XI Capitan.

With the new season now only 82 days away and no sign of an AGM to settle matters, the bookies have been in meltdown trying to sort out odds as potential candidates jostle for position.

God smote, The Bish merely sledges

Bishop Lynch - 5/4
With one full season under his belt and any notions of bettering us well & truly kyboshed, the best & worst sledger in the club holds the fatal 'early front-runner' tag. The Bishop has promised to maintain the standards set in recent years and not be available as often as possible to allow sniping and side-plotting against him to prosper out of earshot.

Maddoug Russell - 7/4

Slapper

As Scottish as The Krankies this candidate also shares many other characteristics with Scotland's first couple. He has maintained an open relationship with HX over the years, often moving out of the family home at Arboretum to sample the delights on offer elsewhere before returning to his true love.

How can you not love this man???

Sir Thomas Sheridan - 5/1
A surprise inclusion for some, Scotland's most famous swinger (usually away swinging) has, this very day been uncaged and is available for selection. Known to favour the Cross, having no cricketing ability, but, being born to lead, Sir Tam is an almost perfect fit for the current vacancy.

PVB batting with Spickers

P.V.B. - 5/1
While all Crossers bar one mature with age, this candidate is improving faster than most. Sharp analysis, erudite comments, flawless manners and an understanding of how our great game should be played, what an ambassador we'd have if PVB (as he's known) could garner enough support to launch a campaign.

Geeza job?

Straussy Strauss - 8/1
Don't tell anyone but Straussy will soon be looking for a job. Obvious deficiencies on the field are made up off the field as a consummate engager with the gentlefolk of the press. While he might be 6th or 7th choice to open the batting for us, at least there'd be less inaccurate guff in the local rag.

Ziggy getting ready for work

Anzlm Cydzk - 25/1
There is surely one more season of captaincy left in the popular (once he became) former 2's skip. A lack of vowels have always hindered Zggy with Crossers on the far right and it's unclear if he could now raise enough votes from the left with the appearance of Sir Tommy in the race.

Two good for the 1's

Nozzer Webb - 33/1
Clearly a star on the rise, probably the 3rd most popular new player at the Cross in a decade behind Shambles and Gawarawalapindi Express. However there is still unfinished business for Noz in the 2's where he'll struggle to raise support for a move to the 1's.

Andy 'Hahaha' Coulson - 50/1
Driven out of his job at Downing Street (by a chauffeur in a Bentley no doubt), Coulson has been looking for a change of career and may be up for some unpaid voluntary work (at his old chum Call-Me-Dave's insistence). The type of guy who loves being taken under the wing of a megalomaniac dictator to anonymously do his bidding and take the hit when it inevitably goes tits-up, I'm sure he'd nuzzle into Lord Admin in no time.

Admin pictured in 1893

Lord Admin - 100/1
Were Coulson to pull out due to unfounded press smears about his propriety, Lord Admin may have to accept a shortening of the odds. When asked about the captaincy, retorts like "f*** off" and "stick that right up yer bahooky" don't deflect some observers from thinking that 1st Team Captain is the job he covets most of all. The more vociferously he says no, the more some folk seem to think he wants it.

Frazerio - 100/1

Another game, another jaffa first up!!!

Unlikely to make a return to mediocre captaincy any time soon due to an equally unlikely Rider List. Conditions include 'pushing back starting times to 1400 hours', 'complete and total player availability' and 'being carried to and from the field of play in a green & gold Sedan Chair'.

Mug Shot!!!

McGill - 1000/1
In good grace Coco has once again agreed to lend us his considerable skills (both cricketing and oratorial) in spite of the constant abuse and ridicule we heap upon him and big money offers from elsewhere. If we weren't 99% stupid, we'd realise the gem we have in our midst and promote the Honorory Midweek Captain to the position he (says he) well and truly deserves. At 109 years old though, time is catching up on the old dear and there are lingering concerns he may have lost a yard of pace since his heyday in the 1930's.

Due to a flurry of betting activity (i.e. one person saying 'where's GT on the list?') the following odds are now added.

Gaz ThreeforFourforFiveforWartha - 9/4

Ye couldny make it up - meet Michelle Trewartha

The most obvious difficulty with GT's sudden promotion to third favourite in the running is, would his name even fit on the Captain's board (especially if he starts taking 6-for and more)? Logistics aside, doubts remain whether GT could lead a side to victory against the East Academy after recent Wif Waf pics appeared on a sleazy website. Does he have the killer instinct to bowl fast & short at kids - probably not? The Bishop & Maddoug wouldn't think twice!!!

CA's real twin already down under

C.A. - 150/1
C.A., which is short for 'Standards' might prove a controversial choice. He's known to accept conventional coaching wisdom and a is a favourer of established club no-no's like warming up (pointless) and warming back down again (doubly pointless - fact - end of). However with the imminent relocation to Oz, his availability should be a bit better than it's ever been. Still has kudos in spades after a legendary 'tour fine' when, as a fledgling powerlifter he joined the Astley-era Cross on tour in Bampton and incurred a penalty for being a 'Drain on the Safety of the Club'.

Dennis 'Spick' Pickering - 20/1
2011 was a tough year for the VC. Plagued by hacking allegations during the whole NotW fiasco and then pretty much becoming full-time skipper whenever E.C. couldn't be ersed (every week). But with the appointment of Martin O'Neill on Wearside it could be a whole new era for Arbo's favourite (only) mackem. Could he too be rejuvenated, or will the big money lure of London leave Crossers wondering 'What if...?'

Sir Shanton John/Bimbo Furnish (Joint tickets) - 12/1
Our favourite new gay Dad's initially thought they'd be missing most of the season after Sir Shanton John recently gave birth, however their Relate counsellor suggested they share baby duties taking it Saturday about. So although they will only be available half the season each, I'm assured there will always be a Bonfridge available if selected (although Sir Shanton looks different without the beard would Rab Bonfridge really fancy the preening Diva if he wasn't a multi-award winning, globe-trotting, sporting superstar feted wherever he goes - doubts always linger with such celeb match-ups)!!! Who is the Daddy??? I actually don't want to know!!!

Smokin Hottie - 5/2
All joking aside now, time to get super serious. I'm sure you'll agree there isn't enough filth on here so I couldn't help typing 'smokin hottie' into t'internet and finally settled on this, er, smokin hottie. Gratuitous it may be, but this sort of journalism should propel me into the employment of a national title in no time. My skills are quite obviously wasted on here, but when aren't they??? Ms Hottie tells me her main campaign point will be to try to convince PVB that lighting up on the field of play is no bad thing and I'd like to see that Club Legend try and disagree (while another aforementioned Club Legend starts his engine).

STILL more odds available on request.

(not) Breaking News (any more) - President to be challenged!!!

Reports in the News of the World yesterday linked retired hitman Roy 'Wotthefeckurulookinat' Keane with a move for the Presidency itself. Keane told Screws insiders "I've got the feckin beard for it so I have".

Arm-wrestling contender

Monday, 25 July 2011

Bang 1

Summer finally showed her sunny face this Saturday as the 1st's wound their merry way to the pleasant surrounds of Fettes School to renew acquaintances with our old friends Grange 2's.

With the sun shining down on a flat deck the skipper decided bowling first was the order of the day and stuck the Grange in. EC decided to open up with Shanners and Gary following his midweek michelle. Unfortunately he momentarily forgot the plan and threw yours truly the ball, fortunately he realised his error and made amends after one solitary over.

Shanners continued his great form of the season and was unlucky not to pick up a wicket or two in his first spell. Gary also continued his great start to his Cross career picking a up a couple of wickets in his first tight spell. Conditions weren't that easy for the bowlers especially in light of some solid Grange batting (apologies no book so I don't have names). The Grange opener hung around for quite some time surviving several appeals and the Grange no3 looked a very solid and handy bat, clattering a couple of big cover drives for 4.

If memory serves Grange had built a decent platform around drinks only 2 0r 3 down. Cross had bowled tightly without too many runs being added but without many wickets falling. Some very ropey fielding wasn't helping our cause, your author was particularly guilty when I rather worryingly lost control of my body somehow allowing the Grange to run a 5. Perhaps it was the heat but there was a definite air of lethargy in the first half of the Grange knock and at one point they looked to be heading towards a score of 250 plus.

Thankfully we were snapped out of our malaise, got a bit of fight and a very tight spell from Charlie backed up by Dougie and Pa.........The Bishop kept the run rate down and restricted the big no3's scoring (think he finished up with 70odd). As a result the other Grange batsman came in looking to up the run rate, whilst a few boundaries were dispatched we managed to contain any serious scoring and Stag wickets began to fall regularly. I think Gary picked up 3, and the rest were shared around equally amongst Bonners, CJE, Dougs and Bish? Special mention to Spickers who held 4 (5?) catches behind the stumps.

The skipper set the target of keeping Grange under 225 which was duly accomplished as at the end of the 50 overs they finished 210 for 8. In recent seasons we might we have let teams such as Grange off the hook in the second half of the game so it was pleasing to see us up our game in the 2nd half, even in the blistering heat.

After a splendid tea KF and Owais opened the Cross account in equally splendid fashion. Both Cross openers flayed the Grange bowling around the ground and we rushed to about 70 for no loss inside 10 overs (or thereabouts). Unfortunately Owais fell on 30 odd to a peach of a delivery from Philip and same bowler also did for Charlie with an equally commendable delivery. With KF and CA also falling around the same time we quickly tumbled to 90 odd for 4.

Grange had thier dander up, sensing a win and memories of the Crosslapso cricket of previous seasons began to creep into Cross minds. Spickers supplied further evidence to the hacking enquiry and despite the fact we batted all the way down, at drinks Grange were on top and we had undone KF and Owais good work.

It was imperative to stop hemorrhaging wickets and Shanon and EC did exactly this, cutting out the chances and just keeping the board ticking over. Just as they were beginning to open up again Shanners holed out to mid off for a good 30 odd to be replaced by Dougie. The skipper took up the need to hit a few boundaries displaying admiral spanksmanship with a number of hearty pulls. Unfortunately he failed to convert as well later on in the evening but that is another story.

Well supported by Dougs the skipper was caught on the boundary for a very good 40 odd. I can't remember exactly but at this point we needed just a above a run a ball for the last 6/7 overs. With your truly now in Dougs took up the challenge playing some admirable straight drives, good running and regular boundaries managed to see us home in about the 48th over, a well timed run chase. Credit in particular to Philip who looked like he has the makings of a good bowler and the Grange spinner who kept things very tight and bowled with lovely flight.

Pluses and minuses to take from the game from a Cross point of view, both in the field and with the bat. Our response when we were getting under the cosh was admirable as was people putting their hands up when required. Whilst this wasn't our best performance for a number of reasons it's a good sign to play poorly and still win. The next few weeks will define the season so lets hope we keep wining and have saved up a few good performances!

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Hacking Inquiry Latest

Alleged hacking

Polis are to investigate hacking allegations made against an unnamed Holy Cross wicketkeeper this website understands. Although rumours of his hacking have circulated in the East League for many years, damning new evidence emerged late on Monday evening.

Followers of a tory leadership hopeful’s Facebook page were shocked when photos of the hacking actually taking place were posted.

Far from distancing themselves from the hacker, it seems that hacking has been prevalent throughout Holy Cross CC for a number of years. An unnamed player said “yeah, we hack all the time, usually we don’t even realise we’re doing it”.

The Polis released a statement on Tuesday morning saying “We can assure members of the public that we have investigated this matter thoroughly. A fully resourced team of senior detectives scrutinised the photo’s with help from experts from the FBI. We can categorically state that this photo shows a text book cover drive and there is nothing more to see here, move along or I’ll taser you, swab your DNA and sell your details to the press.”

The Club President was unavailable for comment having recently suffered a minor automobile accident in Buenos Aires here.

Monday, 14 February 2011

Goodbye Traitorous Scum

Official club statement regarding the following ex-Holy Cross players: D. Russell, R. Bainbridge, M. Brown

Following certain revelations about their disloyalty to the Cross (revealed here), the President has decreed that these fifth columnists be shunned-or (in keeping with the President's preference for classical reference) ostracized.

Please do not fraternise or communicate with these persons (do not even enter into email or 'text' correspondence with them-or play golf with them).

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Holy X Xmas Drinks

Gents,

Having spent the best part of two weeks snowed in with only the internet for amusement it's certainly time to arrange some festive drinks. A few folk wll be heading to the St Vincent Stockbridge - Howe St for a few this Saturday.

Happy days!

Thursday, 2 September 2010

The Awards Night in Pictures....

Ahead of tomorrow night's 60th Dinner, here is a chance to look back at last weekend's Awards Night at Arbo. I appreciate some of our 'silver surfers' don't have Facebook etc, so here are those pics....