Handbags

It's a cause of ongoing bemusement when non-cricketers come up with that old 'its a gentlemans game' chestnut. In my experience contests epitomised by sporting behaviour and gentlemanly conduct are rare enough to warrant a special mention in match reports whilst the more regular incidents of 'bad behaviour' (or should that be perceived bad behaviour) are swiftly expunged from public view by Lord Admin's lawyers on a Sunday morning.

Was it just five days ago that the virtuous upholders of sporting integrity, the Australian cricketing public, were so worked up by a cheating Englishman, Mr Stuarty Broady, the man who once edged it and didn't walk - OMG strike him down before we're all infected - that they booed his every public appearance and in some publications even refused to print his name. Before those boo's could even die down, their skipper is fined for making a "sick taunt" (quote from the Daily Mail). For some reason belittling England with the game of cricket alone wasn't enough for the 'bantering' Clarke. To quote our great Prime Minister 'calm down dear'.

With the kids down under embroiled in a full-on game of handbags, it made me think of some of the greats of the past and how to really noise up the oppo.

The current tourists predicament brings to mind that of the 1974/5 touring side who sent an SOS to the 41 year old Colin Cowdrey. Two days after arriving he walked out to an ovation at the WACA. "How good to meet you" he said to Jeff Thomson who replied "That's not going to help you fatso, piss off".

Rewind to 1954 as the young Cowdrey prepared to disembark on his first Ashes tour. Frank Tyson saw "a spare stooped old man, dressed immaculately in a pin-stripe suit" telling Cowdrey "When you reach Australia, just remember one thing - Hate the Bastards!!!"  He spoke with such vehemence that Tyson asked George Duckworth who the old gent was, "That was Douglas Jardine".

Both sides as bad as each other?

The wisdom in these situations of course is if you can't take it, don't dish it. In 2003 Australia's favourite metronomic wicket taker lost the plot in spectacular fashion playing the Windies in Antigua. Setting the tone for misbehaving cricketers nicely, Shane Warne missed this one after failing a drugs test, reportedly taking a pill his Ma had given him to help with his appearance (source - the internet)!!!!

As the hosts chased down 418 in the 4th innings for victory, McGrath began utilising the breadth of his intellect to try and unsettle Sarwan. After a few overs of concerted hatred including repeated use of the word 'pussy', a bog standard retort provoked McGrath into a fit of rage ""If you ever f*****g mention my wife again I'll f*****g rip your f*****g throat out!".  Oooh-err. Chuckle at McGrath's precociousness as he bleats to the umpire about how wronged he has been with this now classic passage of footage.

Vik takes aim at Bonfield after another fraught  net session

Talking of Aussie fast bowlers, it hardly gets much better than Lillee v Miandad.

"Hello my goodness" exclaimed Tony Greig as Miandad retaliated with his cudgel after Lillee kicked out. Botham said later of the two notorious cricketing rascals "what happened at Perth was going to happen somewhere".

Almost makes one all nostalgic for those long past East League encounters with the likes of Cramond, Fauldhouse, Heriots 2's, Stew/Mel 2's, Accies...

PS: I don't think Call me Dave is very great at all.

Match Preview Appears in The Times..??

It appears to be a business opinion piece...but the headline 'Lynch’s exit offers hope for next generation' suggests that it could equally be a preview of Sunday's match between HX 1st XI and the East Regional Academy...

wait...is the story at the foot of the page about Mr Biswas..?

Cricketing Colemanballs

[KF has passed on some mirth from a stocking filler…]

Nobody’s perfect, you know what happened to the last man who was, they crucified him. – Geoff Boycott

Geoffrey is the only fellow I’ve met who fell in love with himself at a young age and has remained faithful ever since – Dennis Lillee

I was never coached, I was never told how to hold a bat – Donald Bradman

Have nothing to do with coaches. In fact, if you see one coming, go and hide behind the pavilion until he goes away – Bill O’Reilly

Cowans should remember what happened to Graham Dilley, who started out as a genuinely quick bowler. They started stuffing ‘line and length’ into his ear and now he has Dennis Lillee’s action with Denis Thatcher’s pace – Geoff Boycott

We don’t play this game for fun – Wilfred Rhodes

We didn’t have any metaphors in my day, we didn’t beat about the bush – Fred Trueman

The slow motion replay doesn’t show how fast that ball was – Richie Benaud

The Queens Park Oval, exactly as the name suggests, absolutely round. – Tony Cozier

Welcome to Worcester where we’ve just seen Barry Richards hit one of Basil D’Oliveira’s balls clean out of the ground – Brian Johnston.

Eric Morecambe to Dennis Lillee – Are you aware, Sir, that the last time I saw anything like that on a top lip, the whole herd had to be put down.

So, how’s your wife and my kids? – Rod Marsh (to Botham)

You can’t have 11 Darren Gough’s in your side – it would drive you nuts. It would be like having 11 Phil Tufnells – Darren Gough

Aussie fans banner – England will win if Camilla Parker bowls.

Merv Hughes 5^th form geography report;

When Merv leaves school he is going to have to be very good at cricket and football.

I’d have looked even faster in colour – Fred Trueman

When asked what he looked forward to most after returning home after the Indian tour, Phil Edmonds replied “A dry fart.”

I can’t really say I’m batting badly. I’m not batting long enough to be batting badly – Greg Chappell

Cricket, like the upper classes and standards in general, is in permanent decline – Alan Ross, poet.

Cricket civilises people and creates good gentlemen. I want everyone to play cricket in Zimbabwe. I want ours to be a nation of gentlemen – Robert Mugabe

There were congratulations and high sixes all round – Richie Benaud

When we were living in Sydney a friend told me that one night, while she and her husband were making love, she suddenly noticed something sticking in his ear. When she asked him what it was he replied ‘Be quiet, I’m listening to the cricket’ – Vicky Rantzen

Denis Compton was the only player to call his partner for a run and wish him luck at the same time - John Warr

Neil Harvey’s at slip with his legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle – Brian Johnston

And finally…

What a magnificent shot. No, he’s out – Tony Greig

Excessive Ashes Coverage??

http://news.scotsman.com/scotland/39Over-the-top-Ashes-coverage.5452103.jp

Radio discussion of the issue here (at approx 19mins 30 secs):

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00lls4x/Newsdrive_13_07_2009/

Further reaction:
http://news.scotsman.com/opinion/Gemma-Fraser-Cricket39s-catching-on.5456000.jp