Happy Crossmas

Happy Christmas Crossers.

It's Christmas day. England are about to skittle the Aussies for 98 in the showpiece Boxing day test before themselves ending the day on 157-0.

No, not another madcap prediction, just a wee flashback to 2010. That is what happened just three years ago tonight!!!

Seven of the current Aussie wrecking machine played in that match. As did seven of the present England mob. Cold hard (but flawed) logic states that the the inclusion of Rogers, Warner, Bailey and Lyon has improved the hosts beyond all sane predictions. The loss of Strauss, Trott, Collingwood and Tremlett could be seen as a more important factor in this beguiling tour. But Tremlett is on this tour, just not selected, and Broad having played for this touring side in all three tests is hardly making the visitors weaker.

Hindsighters have been in full flow these last few weeks. The bookies did predict a more even series than the last few. The 3-0 trouncing in the summer was apparently closer than the scoreline suggested and the signs were there that an England team lacking motivation were on the slide, England were lucky to beat New Zealand, Lehmann, Clarke, home advantage, ageing English* etc have all popped their heads up as hindsought reasons (*Rogers and Bailey being the Oz newbies kind of blows that one to smithereens).

Some people did predict a "closer" series. But the only actual PREdiction of the turnaround on form I've seen was in a 'comments' thread on a newspaper website where an Aussie sarcastically listed some completely fanciful events, which, much to his own surprise, mostly came to pass.

As I said on day 1, even the most biased of Aussies, a certain G McGrath couldn't foresee what English commentators are now calling the worst tour in living memory. And for any English fan over 30, that is saying something. Aggers even (semi?) jokingly said he was looking forward to kickstarting the old radio phone-in's on the subject of 'what has went wrong with English cricket?'.

What is surely undeniable is that the stratagems employed by Lehmann & Clarke have worked well beyond what they could have expected. Trott is gone, Swann has been battered into leaving the sport altogether, Broad has a gammy foot, nobody can catch a ball...the list is endless.

The two options seem to be 1) have faith in the experience of these guys or 2) drop the lot of them. How could this happen? How could Andy Flower, Richard Halsall, Phil Neale, Graham Gooch, David Saker, James Avery, Mark Saxby, Huw Bevan, Bruce French, Nick Pierce, Reg Dickason & Nathan Leamon let this happen? Have I missed anyone? These guys are the backroom geniuses who have overseen this debacle. It would be interesting to know how much they've been paid to mastermind this most humiliating of trouncings.

I would be willing to bet that there have been more net sessions and warm-ups than ever before. After every humiliation, we are told by Cooky, Belly, Flowery etc that the solution is to "work harder". And the next week they dish up more of the same.

I know fine well that correlation does not imply causality, but whatever these coaches are doing, its patently not working. Unless of course one argues that without this back-up team, England would have been even more comprehensively defeated. This tour is one heck of an indictment on the relevance or influence of such a comprehensive back-up staff. Dare I suggest a curry night, a few tantrums and home truths, a bit of a punch-up and then taking to the field totally hungover like the Cross on tour?

Still, at least England can trawl the combox for solutions to their coaching ineptitudes, looking no further surely than the man with all the answers, I mean of course Geoffrey. When someone whose career was epitomised by putting himself ahead of the team has the gall to call out KP for exactly the same thing, really makes me unsympathetic for the whole shambolic nonsense.

When the next Ashes begins (...in February? I think there are 4 Ashes series or so lined up for 2014) all I want is for these two sides to sort out some sort of competitive series. While I'm sure some of these ass-whuppings are much enjoyed by the fans of both nations, as contests they're of as much interest to this neutral as Celtic v Hearts. What is the point?

Exciting times at Arboretum Road!

Exciting times at Arboretum Road! @HXCricket pic.twitter.com/7OwqUihHu3
— Brian Adam Fraser (@beefrazor) December 19, 2013

dont PANIC.

Frazerio says calm doon, its business as usual

This current Ashes might seem like a bewildering reversal of the form book to some, but I've rustled up a whole bunch of solutions to the predicament that 'England's' 'finest' currently face.

These do not emanate from within my own brain however, instead I have dredged internet comment sections to present Flowery with a range of options.

Bat Belly at 3

Send for Colly

Drop Pietersen, Prior, Anderson & Swann

Don't drop Pietersen, Prior, Anderson & Swann

Take the captaincy from Cooky to let him concentrate on his batting. Replace with Broady

Pick Rankin and tell him to bowl as fast as he can

Drop Cooky down the order

Why the panic? Johnson only bagged 5 tail-enders and a couple of out of sorts batter chaps

Send for Straussy

Bairstow for Prior, no debate, internet unanimous

Now that Australia have been lulled into a false sense of security...

Patience, Cook & KP are just one innings away from a score

Stop all this 'Finn is unpickable' nonsense

Send for Brian Close

Handbags

It's a cause of ongoing bemusement when non-cricketers come up with that old 'its a gentlemans game' chestnut. In my experience contests epitomised by sporting behaviour and gentlemanly conduct are rare enough to warrant a special mention in match reports whilst the more regular incidents of 'bad behaviour' (or should that be perceived bad behaviour) are swiftly expunged from public view by Lord Admin's lawyers on a Sunday morning.

Was it just five days ago that the virtuous upholders of sporting integrity, the Australian cricketing public, were so worked up by a cheating Englishman, Mr Stuarty Broady, the man who once edged it and didn't walk - OMG strike him down before we're all infected - that they booed his every public appearance and in some publications even refused to print his name. Before those boo's could even die down, their skipper is fined for making a "sick taunt" (quote from the Daily Mail). For some reason belittling England with the game of cricket alone wasn't enough for the 'bantering' Clarke. To quote our great Prime Minister 'calm down dear'.

With the kids down under embroiled in a full-on game of handbags, it made me think of some of the greats of the past and how to really noise up the oppo.

The current tourists predicament brings to mind that of the 1974/5 touring side who sent an SOS to the 41 year old Colin Cowdrey. Two days after arriving he walked out to an ovation at the WACA. "How good to meet you" he said to Jeff Thomson who replied "That's not going to help you fatso, piss off".

Rewind to 1954 as the young Cowdrey prepared to disembark on his first Ashes tour. Frank Tyson saw "a spare stooped old man, dressed immaculately in a pin-stripe suit" telling Cowdrey "When you reach Australia, just remember one thing - Hate the Bastards!!!"  He spoke with such vehemence that Tyson asked George Duckworth who the old gent was, "That was Douglas Jardine".

Both sides as bad as each other?

The wisdom in these situations of course is if you can't take it, don't dish it. In 2003 Australia's favourite metronomic wicket taker lost the plot in spectacular fashion playing the Windies in Antigua. Setting the tone for misbehaving cricketers nicely, Shane Warne missed this one after failing a drugs test, reportedly taking a pill his Ma had given him to help with his appearance (source - the internet)!!!!

As the hosts chased down 418 in the 4th innings for victory, McGrath began utilising the breadth of his intellect to try and unsettle Sarwan. After a few overs of concerted hatred including repeated use of the word 'pussy', a bog standard retort provoked McGrath into a fit of rage ""If you ever f*****g mention my wife again I'll f*****g rip your f*****g throat out!".  Oooh-err. Chuckle at McGrath's precociousness as he bleats to the umpire about how wronged he has been with this now classic passage of footage.

Vik takes aim at Bonfield after another fraught  net session

Talking of Aussie fast bowlers, it hardly gets much better than Lillee v Miandad.

"Hello my goodness" exclaimed Tony Greig as Miandad retaliated with his cudgel after Lillee kicked out. Botham said later of the two notorious cricketing rascals "what happened at Perth was going to happen somewhere".

Almost makes one all nostalgic for those long past East League encounters with the likes of Cramond, Fauldhouse, Heriots 2's, Stew/Mel 2's, Accies...

PS: I don't think Call me Dave is very great at all.

Ad-hoc Ashes Spraffings cont

Unbeloivable mate

Was speaking to a mate the other day who was asking me what I thought the Australians chances were in this Ashes series. After reminding him predictions were for plonkers, I replied 'absolute doddle mate, Aussies will walk it 4-0. This England mob are ageing, unmotivated and lead by a feeble skipper who can't score runs'.

Seems the Aussies took my previous advice and began praying hard for Harris & Johnson after day 1 - accumulated figures so far 9-103 compared to Anderson & Broad 10-276.

I went to bed during England's first innings (day 2) just after KP gave his wicket away. At this point there was nothing at all suggest what would come.

It had been a strange mornings play up til that point. Carberry looked like he'd ease his way to a triple century although Cook didnt look too comfy. The Aussie bowlers were adhering to one dimensional plans e.g. for Cook, it was to pitch it on a good to full length and not allow him any freebies off the back foot.

Johnson having sprayed half his deliveries down leg was swiftly removed after just 3 poor overs. Harris and Siddle barely kept me awake and then just like that, Harris bowled the very first good ball of the morning, Cook snicked it and the whole momentum shifted.

On yer bike Trott!!!

Trott arrived with his impeccable Test average and proceeded to bat like a complete fandangle. It appears he can't play short balls. It appears the opposition have taken 3,700 odd test runs to figure this out. It appears all the Aussies have to do is bowl short at him. In no time he was shuffling back to the dressing room. On this form his place in the second test must be in doubt, in fact his whole future England career must hang in the balance. And I was calling him world class four days ago.

And I think that was more or less the best of the English innings over. Fantabulous for the neutral, Series on!!!

What surprises me is the simplicity of the Australian revival. They have a few ridiculously obvious plans and they're sticking to them. And the mighty England can't cope.

1. Nothing short at Cook
2. Everything short at Trott
3. Spinner against KP
4. Get Johnson to bowl fast
5. Attack Swann (and third seamer if possible)

There is some solace for panicking English. I'd advise they get a couple of simple plans of their own (as long as one of them is not Broad bowling short at Clarke who slapped the first bouncer he faced in the 2nd innings for 4 in about as perfect a text book example as he could manage, but this didn't stop Broad feeding him a few more before Cook wisely changed bowlers). For instance, if England can't find a chink in Warner's armour and exploit it, they don't deserve to win a single test match in this series.

There is also the curious accumulation of first innings disasters by England on foreign tours in the last couple of years. From an English point of view, this test is just a continuation in this sequence and therefore not worth worrying too much about. I will turn my attention to trying to solve this curiosity once I've worked out how it is that Hearts are able to continuously get the better of Hibs in Edinburgh derbies no matter the year, personnel or disgraceful condition of the former.

Tis but a flesh wound

I'm invincible!!! Clarke baits the Crusaders.

One of our 'ex-pats' emailed recently from the land down under asking what I thought regarding the forthcoming Ashes series. Firstly I have to remind everyone that making predictions is for plonkers. I then stated in no uncertain terms that barring quite unforeseeable circumstances, the Engerlish would walk it yet again.

Watching the build-up to this series has been quite amusing. Clarke naming the England team (he'd struggle to name an England team these Aussies could even draw with), Pietersen hitting all-comers for 6 in his press conference (almost displaying a likeable side), Warney spouting off as usual, cultivating as much publicity for his oversized ego as he could manage. You know how bad it is for Australia when McGrath admits his stock 5-0 prediction will be unlikely this time.

Then the action begins. Those cricketing sages commentating for Sky were for once, quite accurately looking a bit worried at the start. The Brisvegas pitch being described variously as a "road", a "road and a "road". How were England going to get any wickets they queried?

Pretty soon the hosts are 100-5, and 6 down for not much more. Watson and Smith out to truly terrible shots (if you are a top order test match player playing at home on a road), Clarke, Warner and Rogers not far behind in the 'flinging your wicket away' stakes. It shows how much the roles of these two sides has reversed that Australia limping to 270 odd for 8 on Day 1 after winning the toss is something of a success. With all the Aussie Ashes venues being described as batting paradises and minimum scores of 400 going to be required to win test matches in this series, it already looks horrible for the home side.

The evidence before us, admittedly only a days-worth, makes the Australian pre-match hype look quite ridiculous. It reminds me of the scene from Monty Python & the Holy Grail where the Black Knight (pictured), lying in bits on the ground, gathers any remaining breath to once again bait his tormentor. "I'm invincible" he wails plonked on his bahookey with his limbs strewn around him. Clarke, Warner et al, maybe its time to adhere to sporting cliche #1, shut up, if there's any talking to do, just do it out on the pitch. We could be looking at an absolutely incredulous 4th successive English Ashes series victory with Aussie players still berating the oppo for being rubbish. From a team that have won fewer test matches this year than Zimbabwe.

The English performances in the summer Ashes were below previous levels I think most people would agree. Their dominance was as much to do with a very poor touring side in varying states of disarray. With an ageing England side, seemingly in decline and looking for something to kickstart their motivation, the Aussie public for some reason decided to help them out. In their wisdom, prior to this series, sections of them have rounded on Stuarty Broady. This blatantly dim tactic had Broady taking a wicket in his second over setting up a day one 5-for. Seemingly hoping to inspire him on to even greater heights, when he held the ball up to the crowd, as bowlers do after a 5-fer, there was still enough booing from the dunderheids in the stands to keep him stoked up and hunting more Australian scalps (caveat; as he did this, you can see a fair amount of Oz fans applauding as well).

When Steven Smith is batting at FIVE, what on earth are you doing winding up the second best attack in world cricket? Clarke amused me with his English team announcement but the reality is, England could pick Rankin, Onions, Bresnan, Finn or about 40 others in the 'last seamer' slot and it wouldn't make a difference, they'd still blow the Aussie's Black Knights sky high.

My masterplan for the Aussies is a two parter.

1) Shut up
2) Pray for Harris and Johnson to deliver with the ball

Otherwise its going to be another protracted annihilation.

Last Man Stands

Afternoon all!

Just wanted to put this out there and see if there is any interest in putting together a team for this T20 competition, which will see the winner take home £10K!!!! Sure you'll agree that's enough for a few 4 pint jugs in the Green Room.

Last Man Stands

I'll send out an email and lets see if there's enough interest, we can look at entering a team.
Cheers,

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