KF on the Ashes (Part 1)

[Some brief, er, reflections from the 1st team VC on the 1st Test].

Previously this may have been called an article, but now its probably a twitblog!!! I splatted out a twitarticleblog after the 2005 nailbiter. You may recall England retained their Ashes by beating Australia 365-0 and made Shane Warne retire and Ricky Ponting cry. To appease my literary fans, I’ve decided to review the 1st Test, and who knows, maybe more in the weeks to come.

England (& Wales) 687-19
Australia 674-6
Match Drawn!!!!!

Nathan who (6-158)? Marcus who (125no)? Congratulations to all the experts in the media who once again talked and wrote more tripe about proceedings in Cardiff than I would ever have thought possible (even Cricinfo bills it as “Australia tour of England and Scotland, 1st Test: England v Australia at Cardiff,”). The Sky boys were in great form, Sir Beefy in particular (“Australia have to score a lot of runs just to avoid the follow on” he slavered, rubbing his hands early in Australia’s first innings. I didn’t see him smile again until proceedings concluded), whilst our meatheaded papers couldn’t help smearing themselves in idiotic ink as well. The Sundays had a fine old time denouncing the tawdry, inept embarrassments turning out for England (& Wales) with a day of the match still to go. ‘Only Welsh Rain Can Save English Shower’ and more disrespectful tedium like that.

End result, a draw with no Welsh raindrops in sight. But how can that be? Well, against obviously superior opposition (“this Australian team isn’t as bad as we thought” – Smiler Hussein, morning of Day 4, hopefully speaking on behalf of the expert commentary team and not on behalf of average cricket fans who watched Australia in South Africa recently on the really obscure Sky Sports channels), two or three players showed international class application, specifically Anderson, Collingwood and an impeccable knock of 7 from 35 balls by Monty. Massive credit to them. But if Anderson outscores 5 of the top 6 in any more innings, heads have to roll. It seems harder to be dropped from England 1st XI than it is for Holy Cross 1st XI and I should know.

A wee point here about KP. Why is the English media hounding him into inevitable early retirement. Sure, he’s a total prat, but this isn’t a personality contest. He top scored in the 1st innings and was singled out and slaughtered for it. There are very few people in the world who can tell him how to play and none of them are English (or Welsh). You can have him playing his way (1st innings) or the ‘proper’ way (2nd innings). Absolutely no contest. He is far and away the teams most talented run scorer and this put them on a pedestal to knock them off thing is unfathomable. Everyone has flaws. Not everyone has talent like that. Cherish every run he scores before he says ‘enough is enough, see how you do without me’. He was treated shabbily as captain and despite establishing himself as the nations best batsman, still has to dodge flak from batsmen of the calibre of Bob Willis and the like.

Once the match was underway, the likelihood of a draw was a done deal. It is the practice in these times to prepare a flat dead batting track which won’t break up even if the whole series is played on it (unless you are Antiguan of course). As we see at club level, this seems to have the knock on effect of making league cricketers expect bone dry A-class roads for games, rather than just getting on with it and accepting indifferent bounce is the same for both teams. The talk of picking 1 or 2 spinners (if 2, why not 4 or 5?) seems redundant to me. I’m sure in the days of Underwood and uncovered pitches, these tactics were genuine (as was the nightwatchman thing with which England persist at any opportunity), but on the face of it at Cardiff, I don’t see how either Hauritz or Swann & Panesar were or could have been match winners here ahead of any other type of bowler. If the pitch is flat, dead and true and will be for 25 days apart from the odd bowlers follow through, picking specialist players for different Tests seems largely obsolete.

To ensure no possibility of a result, the ECB took the incredible decision of not only starting this series outside England, but also picking the wettest ground available. Peerages must be inevitable for these bright chaps. That the visitors almost prevailed bodes ill for England’s chances in this series. Depending how much attention you pay to history, I believe England haven’t won the first Ashes test for decades, and haven’t beaten Australia at Lords since the 1930’s. So, why on earth choose Lords for the 2nd Test??? Apparently the Venue Selection meeting began with the statement; ‘Gentlemen, under no circumstances do we want to be ahead after 2 Tests’. Where is the 3rd Test, the Gabba? Or maybe Wales has some other wetter Test standard grounds and the whole series could be played there.

Referring back to Nasser Hussein’s earlier quote, this is an Australian team arriving after beating the supremely talented South Africans away from home and who beat England (& Wales) 5-0 the last time they met. They are stuffed full with class, potential and experience. When 4 of the team are outscoring Mrs Cricket by 100+ runs (and the tail didn’t even get a bat), you can only fear for the pretty England bowlers who try so elegantly for so little return, for the rest of this series. I’ve said since the 5-0 drubbing in Australia that Harmison has to be picked at home, and left there when the team tour. With the depreciating Flintoff, he’s the only bowler available who can, albeit on his day, ruffle Aussie feathers. But I can’t remember England (& Wales) ever picking their best XI, so why begin now?

However close or otherwise this match played out, England have done very well to get a draw. Does it matter if both teams were 1000-5 after 5 days, or that one team nearly won/lost? I don’t think so. England (&Wales) only have to win the series 1-0. That is the only bottom line. Offer that to any Englander now and you’re hand, arm and shoulder would disappear with it. It’s currently 0-0, as good a start as they’ve had in recent memory. Not that you would sniff this from the press. Maybe some ‘Welsh’ rain can help them at Lords? Then by the 3rd Test when England (& etc) are picking something like their best side, and the Aussies have a niggle or two in a tiring squad, we might see the home side edge ahead. Or it may end up 4-0 to the Aussies. If I had to put £1 on a series result, it might be 50p each way on 3-0 or 4-0. I hope it’s a lot closer, if only to hear the blinkered brigade get excited and xenophobic for a while. As its bad form to criticise without offering alternatives, here is my England ((& Wales) & Scotland XI): K Fraser (c), WG Grace, C Ellis, K Pietersen, J Bates, M Bevan, J Russell (wk), I Botham, R Illingworth (always an idea to have an umpire in your side), H Larwood, G Small.

Will blether again after the next debacle…