The bemused owner of the benighted thumb, one Shifty Robertson of no fixed abode, Edinburgh, could hardly believe the events which unfolded over Saturday night and Sunday morning. "My thumb was in shards. I took a Bonfield inswinger right on the top of the thumb and it exploded like a grenade. There wasn't much point in going to hospital - I knew what they were going to say, so I headed for Arbo and got stuck into the Magners."
"I don't know how much I had but during the night I had a dream. Our Lady of Blessed Fermentation came to me and said 'Be of good cheer, Shifty, for I have soothed your damaged digit with the balm of apples, for this is the year of the Cross.'"
"When I came to and took the plasters off I couldn't believe my eyes - the thumb was in one piece."
Reaction to the news of the miracle was swift. Holy Cross's albino monk enforcer, Mr. Admin, wasn't surprised. "Oh, you're all believers now, aren't you? Well some of us didn't need so-called miracles. Anyway, if you want to see the thumb get in line and get your fiver ready."
In the Vatican, His Holiness Pope Benedict the nth made a solemn statement to the joyous masses. "Christ on a bike. Mit ze apples he has been blessed. For thirty years I haf treated my lumbago mit Schnapps und nothing. I haf been barking up ze wrong tree, zo?"
We checked with Robertson on the latest state of the divine digit. "It's still fucked. But thanks for asking."
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