Where beer does flow and men chunder

In my new role as P.R. wallah for CO Smith & Sons the following news reaches me from Sydney.


Our antipodean correspondent reports that CA Smith (Holy Cross ACC 1992 - 2011) has played his first game of cricket down under for Cardinal Lynch's (HCACC 2009-2011) team.

Smudge visits Bondi

In a strange case of pot calling the kettle black, he was very critical of the "bad chat" on the field of play. Our correspondent reports that "he scratched around for 2", but at least he didn't have the nerve to blame the high standard of the opposition bowling. The Cardinal scored a ton.

This will be CA's only appearance of the season. Cricket down under is currently having a summer break and then he's going to continue his work in Malawi.


Three things in this dispatch jump out at me.

1) The former Bishop Lynch seems to be enjoying a meteoric rise through the upper echelons of the Catholic Church. How long until it's Pope Paddy and for that matter, how hasn't there been one yet?

2) Just a few short weeks ago a Lynch ton would have been worthy of some comment. They seem to be ten a penny nowadays. Puts Bonfield's career best of 444no (also scored down under) into some sort of context.

3) Good to see C.A. is taking the 'Cross ethos' around the world displaying an absolutely typical Crossers availability. Can you play next week? Er no, I'm in Malawi. Pff.

Scottish Gas

I thought it only fair to warn anyone thinking of attending the forthcoming Spartans v Hearts game at Graham Stadium of the potential risks of getting too close to a herd of Jambo's.

Smells like ... a Jambo

Available for 1 week on iPlayer is Off The Ball - Sunday Supplement. Whilst the whole programme is usually worth a listen, I advise you specifically to listen from 20:53 for a minute or so to find out what has amused me so much.

Come on Spartans!!!

Club About To Get A Whole Lot Uglier

As our former part-time skipper and easily the best looking dude on Planet Arbo (apologies Nozza) is about to take his winning smile to Madchester in pursuit of some golden shekels, I thought what better a time could there be to run through some photo's to remind us in years to come of his impact at our great club.

After leaving university, E.C. launched his crooning career via the star making vehicle X-Factor, the show we all know and love. With the surname Smith already taken, E.C. had to come up with something snazzy and chose to adopt the psuedonym Joe McElderry.

Fame came with its downside though. Often seen around the city in his little red 'rooster' extension the ladies began to swarm all over our innocent hero. Despite his apparent happiness in the photo above, these smiling eyes hide the pain of a man looking for more than 365 different lovers a year (?). Bad times and persistent hair loss were just around the corner.

Celebrities queued up to get a piece of the action. Here is our former skip in 2009 with Fauldhouse counterpart Gok Wan. Relations cooled when Wan criticised the size of our man's shovels during a Tea Break. Fellow first teamers of the time are still unsure if this is the "psycho bird" he used to refer to around this time.

Here is our departing friend cosying up to the ex-wife of sabbatical wicketkeeper, Si Hackering of Geordie Shore fame. The pair have always denied tabloid claims that they "did it in the boot of Smudgers Volvo" although alleged cctv footage does exist of nocturnal goings on in the 'Arbo container'.

In 2007 the Smith clan were rocked to their foundations when a long lost son of Smudger appeared. Here is E.C. with his half-brother D.J. Like Papa Smudger, they share a love of Barry Manilow, facial hair and crack cocaine.

Once the celebrity lifestyle spiralled out of control, close friends, family and Crossers were shocked to see the above photo appear on the front page of the now defunct News of the World. Summoned by El Presidente to the Green Room for urgent talks, E.C. agreed to leave the vacuous pop world behind and apply himself to the game of cricket.

Now crooning purely for fun in his spare time, E.C. has rediscovered what makes him tick. Mainly this is repeating his one shot whilst batting, bowling comedy wides or belting out Manilow hits on the top deck of the 27 bus. Recently E.C. vowed 'never to take a catch again' and stuck to his promise with a rotten drop v East Academy.

That's surely enough for now folks. Although we've lost two young Smith's in as many months, when E.C. was reminded that our Constitution declares Smudger must provide a male heir for selection, E.C. quipped "I'm sure the old man's loins are still fertile".

On that note...

Dunfermline Knights v Holy Cross - Division 1, Saturday 26th May

Holy Cross 211-7 (50 overs).

Dunfermline Knights 212-4 (48.4 overs).

It's a hard knock life we live

Like a cricket team going to an away match, the 1st XI travelled to McKane Park in Dunfy on Saturday to challenge former National League side Dunfermline Knights in East League Division 1. The sky was blue, the sun was hot and the pitch was flat with a bit of grass that looked like it might give the bowlers some grip. A brisk easterly kept a lid on the true heat for most of the day blowing directly across the pitch and proceedings were overseen by two neutral umpires.

McOscar driving

Heated discussions took place pre-toss in the visitors dressing room as the Skipper insisted on batting, whilst his VC preferred putting the oppo in, skittling them, knocking off the runs and getting back on the road quicksharp.

McOscar defending

However the umpires coin awarded the decision to our hosts and the gentlemen with the local knowledge asked us to bat!!! A strange innings then ensued. Mahzer & Fraser led the Cross assault screaming to 24-0 after 3 overs on a pitch of little bounce. Pretty soon the Knights bowlers adjusted their radars and a period of bowling at the stumps contained a spell of 43-6 from the next 17 overs taking the visitors to 67-6 after 20. Then the recovery totalled 144-1 in the last 30 overs.

Probably the source of Shifty's finger injury

Fraser (11) was first to exit missing a straight one. Ellis (6) was next oot to a mildly contentious LBW (aren't they all?). E.C. Smith (1) followed soon after misjudging and playing over a yorker. Bonfield (5) kept the collapse going by edging one onto his pads and swallowing another LBW. Archer (Golden) didn't hang about at all on his first league knock falling to the same fate as Smith, nonetheless it was lovely to see him take part in his first Cross Collapse. Somewhere in amongst all that Owais (10) tried to clobber one a bit too far away from his body and it was taken nicely at extra cover. So there we were at 67-6 and in deep doodoo.

That said, we've been talking up, if not actually utilising an unfathomably long batting order this season. McOscar was joined by the skipper (a couple of tons as an opening bat) while Trewartha (sane), Gaware (mad) and El Presidente (unpredictable) lurked in the hutch. After a mini recovery and some nice shots from both swordsmen, Russell (12) was deceived by a quicker ball and bowled off his pads with the score on 96 in the 27th over.

McOscar lofts one straight

When the wickets were tumbling, the fielders, as you'd expect, were chirping with some gusto, but things were quietening down somewhat and were soon to become quieter still. McOscar was compiling a magnificent innings using his feet with eloquence and his bat with panache. Pretty soon Trewartha got his eye in too and Crossers began to hope 150 would be possible, then 180, then maybe even 200. But this pair just kept going, Gary was finding the extra cover boundary in particular with some sweet lofted drives whilst Simon was skipping freely down the track to despatch the fading bowlers to the boundary of his choice. Both remained unbeaten, McOscar never looking in trouble for an inspiring 109 and 40 for Trewartha that says to the skipper he's ready to move up the order.

Trewartha through cover

Tea was taken and I'll take this opportunity to commend the fantastic hospitality. From the fridge in the changing room to the majesty of the guard dog to the jam on the scones, we were looked after as well as we have been anywhere.

Big dug!!!

So with full bellies and gladdened hearts we took to the field for Dunfermline's innings with no shortage of confidence. The hosts weren't holding back though and quickly reached 21 before Bonfield enticed their lefty opener to mis-time a drive that Ellis pouched low at mid-on. This caused some damage to the paw of Ellis and he had to leave the field for a few overs to seek a replacement digit. The hosts continued apace reaching 55 before the busy number 3 arrived, splatted a couple, then left again when the rebuilt Ellis accounted for his wicket. Next over McOscar (replacing Bonfield) trapped the other opener at the 'LBW end'. At 55-3 after 16 overs we were right back in it. Davidson & Wilkinson then began to bed in and stop the rot. At Drinks, the hosts lagged a little behind the required run rate at 90-3 but it was anybodies game.

More offside show-offery

In the first over after Drinks Dougie shelled a c&b chance and not long after Shifty had to relinquish the gloves due to a "crunchy" finger injury. He was subsequently hidden at backward square leg and, as sure as night follows day, one was hit right down his throat (as they say) but his 9 good fingers couldn't compensate for the crunchy one and another chance was carpeted. Elsewhere Vikram's legendary groin began to play up restricting him to just 4 miserly overs.

Centurion

The two Dunfermline batsmen kept things ticking along nicely, the Cross bowlers never quite being able to string together enough good balls without the odd loose one thrown in. Needing 12 from the last three overs the home side looked for the finish allowing Bonfield to bowl Wilkinson round his legs for 57. Then in the 49th over Davidson (89*) picked out McOscar at Cow but once again the the ball was spilled and any slim chance that remained was gone as the hosts thundered past our total with a maximum the very next ball.

Trewartha 0-47, Bonfield 2-44, McOscar 1-41, Ellis 1-36, Russell 0-27, Gaware 0-11.

Back in the Green Room some of our newer recruits were treated to some of the legendary tales from yesteryore as King Coco recounted shenanigans from a small hamlet just along the east coast from the days when he worked as a lifeguard and gave more than just the kiss of life to bathers. We were also treated to accounts of both times he's combusted on the field of play. Later, the newest club legend made an appearance in his finest Saturday night attire on a brief break from the end of season rugger club dinner being held next door.

Caption competition...?

Broken Records!!!

Stop me if you think you've heard this one before

There I was just minding my own business the other evening whilst out for a drive when I heard Ms Hannah Cockroft on the old wireless.

Who she???

For those of you not up to date on the latest minority sport news, Ms Cockroft, who won gold medals at 100m & 200m at last years World Championships, has broken a 100m wheelchair world record at the new Lympik Stadium (T34 class). Her account of events interested me muchly.

On the morning of the event the competitors were to be bussed to the stadium, however the bus crashed on the way to the hotel to pick up the athletes. So taxi's were summoned. Alack, none of the taxi's were big enough to take Ms Cockroft's racing chair!!! Things began to get fraught. She was panicking that she wouldn't get there on time for what would be her only opportunity to race in the stadium before the Paralympics.

Eventually they managed to pack her and her chair off to the Olympic Park. On arrival the Jobsworths protecting our freedom wouldn't let her through the security cordon. Just in the nick of time she made it inside. Afterwards she said;

"I missed the warm up and had to just get my numbers on and go straight onto the track. It was the worst preparation I'd ever had before a race, my head wasn't in the right place at all,".

Regular readers will now see where I'm going with this. Here is the formula.

Fraught Preparation + No Warm-up = New World Record!!!

Would any sports scientists care to explain this to me.

Here is a report from the BBC. The actual radio broadcast I listened to mused somewhat further on how a world record could be set with basically the opposite of what is 'accepted' preparation for best performance.

When the Frazerio Spring finally happens, I shall outlaw this dangerous and counter-productive practice of 'warming-up' prior to partaking in activity.

And a wee bonus for the over 35's (99% of the club?) with this classic VT.

Puzzle Solved

CJE has long wondered whether he would ever discover the solution to the title of one of his favourite albums:



Fortunately this has now been solved...the man himself turning up at Craiglockhart on Saturday...and claiming a neat catch off the very 1st ball of the match and going on to have a very solid innings behind the stumps. He then left soon after the game...perhaps off to entertain an audience with his acoustic guitar...