2nd's v Penicuik (away)

Me next Saturday (Dougie keeping wicket)

When the 1's played at Marchmont a week past Saturday, I inside-edged the fastest ball of the season (at any level) onto my shin. It smarted somewhat (understatement) and has been playing up through various sizes and colours ever since, even necessitating a lovely wee trip to A&E (160 mins processing time, sort it out Broonster) to enquire as to the completeness or otherwise of the shinbone (technical term) last Monday evening (after 2 nights of drinking had failed to mend the injury).

Therefore I had to sit it out last weekend.

Even a strangulated text from the hero of the selection process claiming we were struggling for numbers (tell me something new) couldn't break my resolve. I was fairly confused about the enquiry "will you be fit enough for the 2's then?". Is anyone?? What is 2's fitness exactly??? Does 'Unfit for cricket' = '2nd team regular'????

In the meantime, the 3's game was abandoned a day early and so the availability issues must have eased.

Serendipitously the 2's were visiting my home village of Pennycook, somewhere underneath Edinburgh on the border of The Borders. Splendid I thought. A few cheap sherbets in a lovely setting whilst our battle hardened veterans smoted the countryside whippersnappers. The teas are usually well worth plundering too. All good. Might be worth getting injured more often...

As you drive up Kirkhill Road, you get a glimpse of the ground through the gate, before you pass the wall, view the field and then the scoreboard. As I passed the gate I caught site of a baggy green in the field. Must have won the toss looking to blast the home team to smithereens. Clever!!!

Past the wall and a quick neb at the scoreboard - WTF - PCC 40 odd for 1 chasing 61. Good grief, gadzooks and once more, WTF. I was out the car and hopping round to the scorehut faster than you could say Oscar Pistorius. Hector, a permanent fixture in the Penicuik scorehut, long ago christened 'Hectors Hoose', showed me the damage. Some of the top order had reached double figures, then the home side cheekily introduced a spinner called Pace who took 5-for and ripped through the Cross tail. Superted and all!!!

"Missing a few regulars?" Hector politely enquired. "Eh nut" I responded counting at least 7 bona fide 2nd team regulars in play.

My eyes didn't deceive me either, there were only 10 men. If the 3's were off, and the 2's had 10 men, and McGill wasn't one of them, it could only mean one thing. Yes, Colin McGill was surely deid. Reeling from this news I was distracted as the Cross made a breakthrough and a team mate of mine from my previous life at Kirkhill, Cliff Hutt, was sent back to the huttch (so sorry) by Lord Admin. Could our spinner now match the earlier feats of Mr Pace?

No, no he absolutely could not!!!

In no time Penicuik had passed the total. The only actual part of the play I can recall is the final ball when the scores were tied, bowled by Lord Admin. It arrived at the batsman about spam height and was hatcheted in the direction of midwicket. The batsmen didn't even need to run. Later, as I rammed a mini sausage roll into my gob, I enquired after Lord Admin "what was going on with that last ball ya fanny?". To which his Lordship responded "I thought if I'm ever going to bowl my wrong'un, that was the time". So next seasons Division 5 batsmen, you have been warned.

All over by 4pm.

After almost witnessing such a terrible performance, with some amount of trepidation I asked "are you guys safe". Being a serious situation, the actual meaning bypassed the downhearted troops, "oh yes" said Smujinder, "we've won all our home games and lost all our away games". Fortress Arbo indeed.

And which fate had befallen poor Coco??? It was more gruesome than I could ever have imagined. He'd been drafted into the 1's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yea Viv Talk Nah

That's Viv telt

I've tried hard to decipher this.

Does anyone else have a clue what it actually means?

Is it simply WI patois?

Or embarisangly illitrit nonsense?

Or has he been on the Jamaican woodbines?

I'll have the following in my pocket in case I reach double figures next week.

Nut
Fra
Safe
Aye

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/cricket/18388490

Broken Records!!!

Stop me if you think you've heard this one before

There I was just minding my own business the other evening whilst out for a drive when I heard Ms Hannah Cockroft on the old wireless.

Who she???

For those of you not up to date on the latest minority sport news, Ms Cockroft, who won gold medals at 100m & 200m at last years World Championships, has broken a 100m wheelchair world record at the new Lympik Stadium (T34 class). Her account of events interested me muchly.

On the morning of the event the competitors were to be bussed to the stadium, however the bus crashed on the way to the hotel to pick up the athletes. So taxi's were summoned. Alack, none of the taxi's were big enough to take Ms Cockroft's racing chair!!! Things began to get fraught. She was panicking that she wouldn't get there on time for what would be her only opportunity to race in the stadium before the Paralympics.

Eventually they managed to pack her and her chair off to the Olympic Park. On arrival the Jobsworths protecting our freedom wouldn't let her through the security cordon. Just in the nick of time she made it inside. Afterwards she said;

"I missed the warm up and had to just get my numbers on and go straight onto the track. It was the worst preparation I'd ever had before a race, my head wasn't in the right place at all,".

Regular readers will now see where I'm going with this. Here is the formula.

Fraught Preparation + No Warm-up = New World Record!!!

Would any sports scientists care to explain this to me.

Here is a report from the BBC. The actual radio broadcast I listened to mused somewhat further on how a world record could be set with basically the opposite of what is 'accepted' preparation for best performance.

When the Frazerio Spring finally happens, I shall outlaw this dangerous and counter-productive practice of 'warming-up' prior to partaking in activity.

And a wee bonus for the over 35's (99% of the club?) with this classic VT.

Russell Regime Diktat #0002

JC, he say OMG

The Holy Democratic Committee of the New Way for the Cricketing Crossers would like to thank all of the Great & Fit Men who attended Winter Nets on Saturday. Our newly installed covert iris recognition system calculated 24 (twenty four) able men in attendance. This required the complete facilitation of the facilities, or in other words, the use of all 4 (four) available nets.

This remarkable achievement is believed to be the first time that the use of 2 (two) nets has ever been exceeded by our venerable institution. The astonishing show of club unity is also a powerful vindication of the demanding new standards of Captain Russell.

Four Lanes

Let us pray that it is not an early pinnacle of His second coming!!!

At one point Lord Admin was overheard to mutter that there were "too many people here", but his office have since retracted this as "mis-speak" after a subsequent update of the weekly accounts showed a marked increase in revenue.

Legends in attendance at Le Galleon included the very dishonourable Coco McGogo, Jerry 'Lohan' Garcia & both Sir Shanton John AND his new bride Dame Bimbo Furnish.

There are now only 2 (two) nets remaining this pre-season on the next two Saturday's, 17th & 24th March.

The Russell Regime hereby urges a note of caution. We cannot get carried away with this amazingness and must ensure that a high attendance is maintained. See you next Saturday, normal rules apply.

Something Else Fishy

A pike & two googlies

In another of what may now be characterised as an occasional fishing/cricket cross reference, I thought I'd share this Prize Letter of the Month from September's Cricketer magazine.

~

Toby Codd, Devon County Under 13's captain, earned a place on The Cricketer's Honours Board earlier in the season with a magnificent hundred against Isle of Wight. He rates another mention, for an altogether different reason, following his dismissal against Hampshire U13's at the ESCA U13 County Festival at Kings College, Taunton. Codd went fishing outside off stump and was snapped up by Hampshire keeper Alex Bass off the bowling of Robert Pike, resulting in the unusual piscatorial entry:


Codd     c Bass    b Pike 2

Quiz Goes OLD SKOOL

A Catholic Education

Yo Homies!!!

Accusations of dumbing down accepted!!!

This years HX Quiz goes straight back to the Old Skool!!!

After last years HNC level onslaught from a Quizmasta wot overjudged his Peeps, this year subjects will dip down into the High School syllabus including:

(translations in brackets for U30's)

Quizmasta K

Maths (counting)

English (txts & twitter)

Geography (places)

Science (totally crazy s***)

Music (choons)

Spelling (spelling)

Be there or don't be square!!! Friday 9th December for a 7pm start. Canny wait.

Imposter



Poetry in motion



Hey fans, I've been given access to our hallowed site!!! No more sanitised articles from your favourite scribe!!! Full on slander from now on...

However, in this day and age, when imposters abound in cyberspace, I've stumbled across something truly appalling on t'internet. For the sake of clarity, I have to ensure all my fans know that this link is not me!!!

http://mysun.co.uk/frazerio

Thirds in successful legal action

Members of the Holy Cross 3rd XI have succeeded in getting the BBC to revise this article.

In relation to the sentence beginning 'A group of former gangsters...' their legal team have managed to get the BBC to add the word 'possibly'....

Age of Austerity hits Arbo.

Because of the impeding spending cuts, a number of major capital projects have had to be shelved by the club treasurer. It is hoped that some or all of the projects may be completed when the economic climate revives (The President forecasts this to occur in the 2nd quarter of 2028 - when the first term of his presidency will end).

The projects postponed include:

1. Clubhouse extension plan:

a. The Graveyard Bar (proposed by Ellis Snr/PVB with Presidential support).
A peaceful snug-away from the boisterous atmosphere of the Green Room.
Here the more mature Crossers can enjoy their real ale, malt whiskeys and cigars in front of a roaring open fire - and listen to 78’s and watch ladies tennis.

b. The Safety Room (KF/S. Bonfield/ BAF):
Combined poker and smoking room. Stocked with supplies of papers and snacks.

c. Entertainment Wing (Bainbro/ Andy G/ G. Lohan)
For use during inclement weather. With facilities for Ping Pong, bar billiards, and pole dancing (no, not Ziggy). Also includes space for a 6-piece band.

2.Ground Improvements.

a. Combined hover-cover/ Tea urn (cje).
Sensitive to moisture (any significant rain triggers it into operation) this cover can extend to protect the entire playing surface. Plus the water collected runs directly into a massive urn, providing fresh Assam or Darjeeling tea 24/7.

b. Deluxe combined heavy roller/ mower/ scarifier (Coco/ Smudger).
Weighing 10 tons and with a top speed of 25mph. For lengthy stints of pitch preparation, it comes with a well-stocked fridge, cigarette machine and bunk bed.

President Warns of Cross Cull.

Just to warn potential miscreants that our club president will not hesitate to follow the example set today by the Pakistan Cricket Board:

http://www.cricinfo.com/pakistan/content/current/story/451392.html

His unofficial spokesman made it clear that any hint of indiscipline or indeed any evidence of ‘player power’ undermining club unity will result in severe penalties.

No one can consider themselves safe from punishment…even the safety committee.

....Cross Dossier to be revealed...maybe

Justin Langer's analysis of the England Side has been leaked.

Apparently a very similar document (prepared by a committee of senior ESCA players*)
analysing our 3 teams was discovered alongside Langer's dossier.

the 50 page document apparently contains:

[sorry, an injunction has been been granted preventing publication-
so please NO speculation as to what it might contain-though the summary I was shown but then had to destroy contained the intriguing comment; that whereas (according to Langer) England players 'love being comfortable', Crossers instead 'love being safe'....]

*Sources used by the committee include; notes taken on our net practices by spies posted behind the hedge at Newfield, testament from various East League skippers, the contents of emails sent to the internal Cross list (evidently forwarded to the authorities-possibly by a mole) and pirated copies of pvb's DVDs.