Cross Keepers Showcase Benefits of Model Diet

Sunday's 75th Anniversary Match saw four of Holy Cross's erstwhile wicketkeepers gather for the cameras to display the fruits of their decades of personal sacrifice in pursuit of sporting glory. The sexy stumpers show that even the most lithe of young cricketers can aspire to the perfect keeper physique with a remorseless commitment to carbohydrates. Club nutritionist Mr Kipling explained, "Our biometric analysis clearly shows that the ideal pouching paunch is a perfect sphere at least the size of a beach ball, but bigger is definitely better. The centre of gravity has long been known to be essential to keeping but to be a superkeeper you need your own gravitational pull. The bowler may think he's bowling in-swing or off-breaks but trust me, it's the tow of the tum that's at work."

Said veteran Crosser Tom Jordan, "It can be quite gruelling but you just have to remind yourself why you're doing it. Every now and then I do succumb to temptation and have some tomatoes or maybe even a carrot, but as long as it's just occasional it's not a big deal. At the very least try to bulk it out with some chips or a savaloy."

Relative beanpole Keith Fraser had his own spin, "I envy these guys so much. I just don't have their advantages. My legs just aren't the right length for getting the belly-button down to ball height and I think there's something wrong with my metabolism, but that doesn't stop me trying."

Laconic Geordie gloveman Simon 'Snickers' Pickering summed up his attitude. "Get annuther can o' Curk, man. Full-fat, like."

Present keeping incumbent Scott Silver (not pictured) was characteristically humble. "Looking at these fellas, I know I have some big shirts to fill and it's going to be a long road. I hope I've got what it takes. But you can't not be inspired by their example, can you?"

Former club bigwig and big rig Shifty brrought things to an end in typically competitive style, showing he has no intention of letting his advancing years deflect him from the single-minded quest for cricketing mortality. "Whose round is it?"

[Words by Shifty. Typing by Admin.]