2nd's v Penicuik (away)

Me next Saturday (Dougie keeping wicket)

When the 1's played at Marchmont a week past Saturday, I inside-edged the fastest ball of the season (at any level) onto my shin. It smarted somewhat (understatement) and has been playing up through various sizes and colours ever since, even necessitating a lovely wee trip to A&E (160 mins processing time, sort it out Broonster) to enquire as to the completeness or otherwise of the shinbone (technical term) last Monday evening (after 2 nights of drinking had failed to mend the injury).

Therefore I had to sit it out last weekend.

Even a strangulated text from the hero of the selection process claiming we were struggling for numbers (tell me something new) couldn't break my resolve. I was fairly confused about the enquiry "will you be fit enough for the 2's then?". Is anyone?? What is 2's fitness exactly??? Does 'Unfit for cricket' = '2nd team regular'????

In the meantime, the 3's game was abandoned a day early and so the availability issues must have eased.

Serendipitously the 2's were visiting my home village of Pennycook, somewhere underneath Edinburgh on the border of The Borders. Splendid I thought. A few cheap sherbets in a lovely setting whilst our battle hardened veterans smoted the countryside whippersnappers. The teas are usually well worth plundering too. All good. Might be worth getting injured more often...

As you drive up Kirkhill Road, you get a glimpse of the ground through the gate, before you pass the wall, view the field and then the scoreboard. As I passed the gate I caught site of a baggy green in the field. Must have won the toss looking to blast the home team to smithereens. Clever!!!

Past the wall and a quick neb at the scoreboard - WTF - PCC 40 odd for 1 chasing 61. Good grief, gadzooks and once more, WTF. I was out the car and hopping round to the scorehut faster than you could say Oscar Pistorius. Hector, a permanent fixture in the Penicuik scorehut, long ago christened 'Hectors Hoose', showed me the damage. Some of the top order had reached double figures, then the home side cheekily introduced a spinner called Pace who took 5-for and ripped through the Cross tail. Superted and all!!!

"Missing a few regulars?" Hector politely enquired. "Eh nut" I responded counting at least 7 bona fide 2nd team regulars in play.

My eyes didn't deceive me either, there were only 10 men. If the 3's were off, and the 2's had 10 men, and McGill wasn't one of them, it could only mean one thing. Yes, Colin McGill was surely deid. Reeling from this news I was distracted as the Cross made a breakthrough and a team mate of mine from my previous life at Kirkhill, Cliff Hutt, was sent back to the huttch (so sorry) by Lord Admin. Could our spinner now match the earlier feats of Mr Pace?

No, no he absolutely could not!!!

In no time Penicuik had passed the total. The only actual part of the play I can recall is the final ball when the scores were tied, bowled by Lord Admin. It arrived at the batsman about spam height and was hatcheted in the direction of midwicket. The batsmen didn't even need to run. Later, as I rammed a mini sausage roll into my gob, I enquired after Lord Admin "what was going on with that last ball ya fanny?". To which his Lordship responded "I thought if I'm ever going to bowl my wrong'un, that was the time". So next seasons Division 5 batsmen, you have been warned.

All over by 4pm.

After almost witnessing such a terrible performance, with some amount of trepidation I asked "are you guys safe". Being a serious situation, the actual meaning bypassed the downhearted troops, "oh yes" said Smujinder, "we've won all our home games and lost all our away games". Fortress Arbo indeed.

And which fate had befallen poor Coco??? It was more gruesome than I could ever have imagined. He'd been drafted into the 1's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!