Thirds Morale Touches Sky As Pope Tunes In

In the process of defeating Edinburgh South at the Inch yesterday, Holy Cross third eleven became the happiest team in the history of sport. As the middle order flayed the opposition bowling around a pastoral outfield, pulsating waves of satisfaction emanated from every team member like the delicious smell from warm cookies. Later, as opposition wickets began to fall and the game headed ineluctably towards a Cross victory, the players could be seen to be floating a few centimetres above the surface of the grass and emitting a shimmering light from their heads.

Ethereal opener Keith Geddes started the rout with a ball which turned into a dove before careening into the base of off stump. Later in the game outfielder Nipun Mehta was borne a full twenty yards by tiny insects to take a catch over his shoulder using only his sense of smell, and Colin McGill at first slip was seen to levitate to a height of twelve feet to take a catch off Pope. Most amazing was when token youngster James Pope began unvoluntarily transmitting Radio 4 Long Wave. "238 for 6, Trott's on 72, a lead of 440. And at tea Aggers will be interviewing Ozzie Osborne."

Primus inter pares Ken Lawrie expained the team's acquisition of sporting nirvana. "Ah, you sense it, don't you? We have a simple philosophy here, win or lose we just share the love. But the more we win the more love we have to share. That's the beauty of Division 8, you see. Not like the seconds, you know. I've seen what it's like in the seconds and it's a dark, dark place. They eat babies for tea in Division 5, you know, and mark the crease out in blood. No love. No love, you see. Would you like some chewing gum?"

Man of the match Richard Ellis added "This is just utterly, totally brilliant. I used to have to take three grams of charlie to get this high, but I'm buzzing like a light bulb."

A clearly ecstatic Pope summed up the day's events "And now, the shipping forecast."