KF on ...... the Holy Cross Selection Committee

In his latest controversial* missive, KF turns his attention to the activities of the Selection Committee (current members: EC, SP(?), CS (?), MR (?), KL, CM plus match secretary).

Disclaimer: its contents do not necessarily reflect the views of Holy Cross ACC.

A reminder to all players:

1. The Selection Committee meets every Monday. To ensure total inaccuracy, this is conducted in a pub, preferably whilst taking part in the Pub Quiz. The process, documented in detail in the seminal 2009 document, Selection Problems No More, by the 1st XI skipper, involves pinning names of players (at least 51% must have unconfirmed availability) to a roulette wheel, spinning it and randomly allocating roles for the week within the club.

2. Players must make their unavailability unclear to someone who isn't Interim Match Secretary as soon after the fixture they are unavailable for has been concluded as possible. Accurate and timely information is frowned upon and may be dealt with sternly.

3. As soon as you become available, ensure you cast aspersions on every decision made by the carefree and thoughtless slackers who select the teams. These people insist on making a simple process incredibly complicated. to drive home the weight of your opinion, ensure that you cannot play the following weekend. Or the weekend after that.

4. Fit players are strictly forbidden. Any players reporting for a match in a fit state will immediately be put through a leisurely warm-up to rectify matters. For further reading see The Ecstasy & The Agony, the art of the celebration injury by Dr I Astley or Prof M Robertson's pamphlet, Marking out my run-up and other gunshot wounds, now featuring the bonus chapter The Pavement Sniper.

5. Any player unhappy with the team they are playing for is advised to wait a day until the teams are rejigged. To ensure total fairness this reselection is routinely performed on the evenings of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Also on the mornings of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. If a generally satisfactory outcome is reached by midday on Saturday, the allocated 3rd team skipper for the week (usually the 2nd team skipper) must take a bonus player from the 1sts or 2nds, especially if the 3rds only have 11 players.

6. When playing for the 1st XI, it is unsporting to beat any team in or near relegation difficulty. All victories must be obtained versus title-chasing sides only (but not Fauldhouse). In the 2nd XI, all victories are deemed unsporting and fielding with anything approaching competence is discouraged, especially by the bowlers who detest catches being taken off their bowling. In the 3rd XI, whilst victories are occasionally allowed, they should be restricted to those that are absolutely necessary to avoid relegation out of the league system altogether. It is also forbidden for the 3rd team to utilise a cricket pitch for games. Picturesque fields are preferred.

* you will recall that his previous post 'No Future' (still obtainable, whilst stocks last, from cje) was ruthlessly suppressed deemed a bit too controversial.