Following captain Ziggy's untimely decision to renounce his commission, the captaincy of the Twos falls to the incumbent vice-skipper, your President. Tragically the President has a broken foot and, like Tiberius on Capri, has retired to recuperate in a nest of depravity with luscious dancing girls and an ever-flowing stream of intoxicating booze. This will cause him some minor difficulties when it comes to communicating his orders on the field.
However, the President has cunningly implanted in the brain of one of his team-mates, known as Smudger, a mind-controlling device which he will be operating from within his secret island bunker deep inside the Bass Rock. Thanks to this simple but brilliant device, the SmudgeBot has been programmed to give a series of simple commands on cue, such as "Heads", "Err, I think we'll have a bowl" and "Leave me a Tunnock's teacake, you bastards".
Once the Presidential metatarsal has been treated with sufficient quantities of Magners and pork pies, the SmudgeBot will be decommissioned allowing the players the rapture of receiving their on-field commands from the President in person. Until then, the President is confident that the second XI will show the SmudgeBot the respect and deference he deserves.
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Smudge as skipper:
ReplyDeletesurely a further step in EC's attempt to achieve total power within the club (can the President's injuries really be described as 'accidents'-perhaps the 1st team skip's henchman were involved...
Alas, I feel that the key to this takeover comes from Smudger. He has strategically implemented his pawns into power (EC as skipper, and which Doctor is treating the Pres????? CA Smith?) He has bided his time excellently and will soon wrestle control in a coup de tet.
ReplyDeleteQuestion is will other senior members of the politburo follow him, or will Mr Admin, the Minister without Portfolio Ellis Jnr and the 2 wisened experienced party legends (Ellis Snr, C McGill) fight for the dear leader, General Secretary Shifty Markovitch?
Popey, be careful with these allegations, which could be interpreted as a ENCOURAGING Smudger's coup. Very unwise to make such comments on a public forum such as this. Mr Admin/ The Pres are watching you:
ReplyDelete'Everything you do on the net is logged – every email you send, every website you visit, every file you download, every search you conduct is recorded and filed somewhere, either on the servers of your internet service provider or of the cloud services that you access. As a tool for a totalitarian government interested in the behaviour, social activities and thought-process of its subjects, the internet is just about perfect'
As a foriegn ambassador for the Cross (I am in yorkshire, definately abroad!!!) I would never dream of becoming poltical. I was simply commenting on the situation, I hold now sway with the Ellis/Smith clans and I would certainly never hold anything against our glorious president!
ReplyDeletethat's more like it.
ReplyDeletebtw, can you recruit two opening bowlers and send them up for a month or so. Andy G can probably offer some form of inducement.
Cheers.
Apparently after fleeing into exile, Ziggy has been found with a claw hammer in his skull in Mexico. A spokesman for the Mexican government, Senor Pablo Smithez refused to comment.
ReplyDeleteI hope the remote control device is powerful, as evidence has now emerged that the Beloved Leader has already swopped Bass Rock for Table Mountain. Photographic proof here - http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/world_cup_2010/8758457.stm
ReplyDelete