Beware the lesser spotted hoodie

Cricketers in the East of Scotland are asked to be on the lookout for a rare type of hunting bird which can impersonate other birds and cause havoc on a Saturday afternoon.

The bird is the Amjid Lesser spotted hoodie, and it was spotted at Campbell Park recently, where it donned bat and pads and reached the crease before the real batsman could beat it to the crease; it is thought to have attended cuckoo school to learn its impersonating skills, but has declined the course in simple arithmetic.

Last year it was spotted many times by twitchers in Western Union cricket but in the East it first appeared in August 2005 when the eagle-eyed Carlton Forrest Crow spotted one at Academy Park. After that it seemed to migrate to Dunfermline for a few years before dying out there. Two-dogs fears it might emigrate to Spain and damage the tourist industry.

It has the ability to change its plumage to white and is such a swift bird that only the Red-footed Oumigoulie Geddesburd could possibly fend it off and beat it to the crease. Leading birdwatcher Ziggy explains: I’ve known some fast burds in my time and can tell you this Geddesburd gets to the wicket like greased lightening ; two years ago it beat the Cocococo bird to the crease before it could finish its 42nd cigarette of the day, causing it to sqwark a lot; other birds like the bearded lesser spotted Amjid wouldn’t be a match for it either, as the Fraserbird would attest; after all, the bearded lesser spotted Amjid is a lovely friendly bird but runs with the speed of a crippled snail and is the only East League bird ever to have been dismissed “timed out”.

The other problem with the Lesser spotted hoodie is that it rather likes to home in on the Chuckie bear-faced Lyre bird which is reputed to hang out at Arbo. It likes to b*gg*r the innocent Lyre bird, and even when the Lyre bird or Spickerhen appeals to its attacker, all one can hear is the hoodie squawking “outside off” or “going down leg” or “too low” or (when replying to the Penikuikaburra) “pitched on leg."

El presidente at Arbo, the Shifty Hawk fears that the breeding season may result in an epidemic of hoodies.

The local table tennis league have been advised to be on the look-out. To be sure it is a fearsome bird.