Dear Skipper

I started writing an email to our new 1st XI skip to pass on some of my questionable wisdom, but then realised as it got longer and longer that I probably send something like this every season to every new captain. On re-reading it, it occurred to me it probably applies quite well to our other new skippers too. So I hastily set about deleting some of the names from the less flattering anecdotes and post it now on our esteemed website for the perusal and belittlement of all and sundry. In future I can just send all new captains a link to this soon to be seminal piece, on cricket captaincy. Happy hacking, hackers!!!

New 3rd XI regime, Nostradamus gives it until May

Skip!!!

Congratulations again, I'm looking forward to seeing how you do. I'm usually ambushed in at the AGM as VC for new skippers, as my psuedo-philosphical approach to leadership seems to be seen as having been half decent when I was captain. Personally I think it was just because the boy before me was a health conscious non-smoker with authoritarian tendencies.

Stating what I hope is obvious, I'll be available for as much or as little advice as you feel you need (if selected of course).

Hopefully some of the following bletherings will help prepare you for the ordeal to come.

I loved the on-field stuff like field placings & bowling changes etc, but other things (availability, weather, incompetent umpires, cheats (perceived or otherwise) etc) tend to be less enjoyable aspects. I think you need a degree of confidence in your abilities/decision making and I suspect you will be reasonably sure of yourself. But I don't think you can judge how good/bad someone will be until they actually do it and even then, I suppose their 'performance' is only a matter of differing opinions really.

I remember starting off with great, fresh expectations, but I can guarantee this team/club will frustrate the heck out of you at times. For some reason, like the rest of us you will somehow see this as charming. You inherit everything rather than starting from scratch and some of this may ultimately stifle some of your good intentions.

Also, absolutely do not forget, the views of the 2's and 3's must be taken into account (i.e. there might only be 15 bowlers available one Saturday so each team needs 5 and in the balancing you aren't necessarily always picking a best club XI in the 1's so you can ensure each team has enough bowling. That sort of thing. As 1st XI skipper you're also club skipper really, so have to try to see it from 2's and 3's perspectives (which can, sometimes, to their total annoyance, be pretty tough to empathise with).

Availability will do your head in!!!

On-field-wise, my approach, as I alluded to earlier, I like to think is quite philosophical. You will make some unbelievably inspired decisions and you will totally cock up as well. Make sure you take the credit for the former and blame the bowlers for the latter. Just got to try to do more of the former. But even then, firstly, there is nobody who knows what the right thing to do is every time and secondly, even if there was, you can do everything right but at some point their number 11 hits a Shanton wonderball for 6 to win the game with your best catcher tipping it over the boundary exactly where you put him. You won't have all the answers, you won't get it right a lot of the time, but you've got to take what you already have and know, apply it as best you can, and hope that more often than not it works. And obviously learn from any mistakes.

Some other random general rules I bore in mind or realised during my incumbency:

• Seldom listen to bowlers. In all seriousness. They are usually only seeing it from their 6 balls perspective. You are in charge of the whole game. They might think bowling 6 snorters at a rabbit has some worth and it's the rabbit's fault for not being good enough, whereas if you get Dougie to bowl a half tracker that the bunny can sky to the keeper, I'll take that every time. The smarter chuckers certainly know more about actually bowling than I do and what's best for them in the context of their own tactical approach at removing a batsman. Its a lot about knowing what you know and judging if its better or worse/more or less applicable, than what they know. Mostly the non-bowler will know best!!! There is nothing worse than someone who bowls one long hop an over refusing to let you put a man on the square leg boundary. In their head they're Glenn McGrath. I definitely experienced reluctance, or in one amusing instance outright hostility (from Worsnop) to the skipper changing 'their' field settings. In their defence, I think this is mostly because they had rarely if ever played under what they would see as a decent captain. Once they saw I wasn't just blindly fiddling, I think the mutual trust grew to the point I could tinker with fields as I saw fit. Of course its a democracy, but you are still the ultimate decider. Saying all this, my first question before a bowlers spell would usually be 'what do you want?'. Greatest ever bowler to walk onto the field, answered correctly the first time I ever asked him, "I don't mind, it's up to you" - Gaz T v Watsons 2011. His wisdom made him 6-39 as I built a keeper-point slip cordon with our 10 men while our absent skipper snoozed off a hangover. Case closed methinks.

• Decide what you are best at, where you should field/bat/bowl and stick to it. Too many captains start slipping themselves down the order.

• Be patient. I recall in a game v Heriots, they were something like 120-2 of 25 overs with a top bat at the crease chasing our 220. I was quite confident that if we just kept going as we were, we'd get a chance or two with the good batter and they had a long tail even although on paper they were coasting. When we were switching ends between overs, I remember Bonnie Prince Charlie sort of pleading/berating with me to do something and gesturing with outstretched arms. I replied something like 's'cool man, keep the faith, all under control' and in the end I think they were about 205 all out. Whose to say we mightn't have skittled them for 150 if I'd done things differently or if they'd have won by 8 wickets instead. All you can do is back yourself and hope you are right more often than not. This game was also notable in the career of El Presidente as he bowled the first and last over of the innings.

• All your best players will instantly become unavailable, indeed, some seem to go missing altogether, however they will all be replaced almost immediately by a new raft of talent who you will view with suspicion for opting for Arbo over the various majestic clubs and grounds that surround us.

That's all for now,

May the farce be with you.

Was this really only 18 months ago???

They don't write them like this anymore.

And was this really only 9 months ago?

Handbags and Beer Rags

[Andy G reports on some 20 over midweek madness- annotations from cje]

Coco's select XI welcomed Maccabi for the first midweek friendly of the season. I'm not going to remember all the details just a brief summary [really?] to keep the fans entertained. Coco - with 12 players - won the toss we batted first. Sandy was forced kindly went to play for Maccabi as they were short.

Mike Nevin and Vikram Gaware opened with the tactic of all out attack! We screamed [?] to 16 off 2 when Vikram fell to the dazzling [? it was raining] spin of Adeel (from Murrayfield - Dafs) out came Andy Graham and blocked the last ball of the over.

Gus McLean was bowling from the other end and Coco was umpiring. Let the jousting begin...

Gus bowled a quicker delivery and it bounced high off  a stone the pitch possibly hitting Mike Nevin's bat and beating the  bemused wicketkeeper. We ran a run/bye and Coco didn't flinch. Uproar from Gus!! He wanted the bye - these friendlies count to official ICC Scottish cricket bowling averages you know! The handbags were out ... Coco with a 1980's pink number with metal studs and Gus with a blue leather clutch bag. Coco referred to a wide that Gus had given previously (probably in 1978 [actually June 4th 2007]) where the batsman nicked the ball to second slip! The next ball was bowled and the over was over, and the handbags were tucked away ready for round 2.

Back to the cricket - Mike and Andy put on a good few runs until Mike was bowled by a good delivery by Mr Malik (Suli was back at Arbo!)
No 4 was Brian Fraser he came in, sliced spanked Suli for a four ... I think ... but then tried to play across the line and was given out LBW by Coco - a ludicrous decision   fair I think ... No 5 [no 5-was KF doing the batting order....grrr] Smudger comes trotting in he smashed Suli for another 4 - conceding circa 10 runs from his last over - was quite good fun and but beware this over just made him [who-Suli or Smudger?] angry!

Alex looked good for the few balls that he faced, hitting some sweet shots but finding the fielders,  he was bowled playing down the wrong line by a good ball that cut in off the sodden skiddy pitch.

Ross Parker stepped in around the 16 over mark and partnered Andy to his 50 - he was on 40 when Smudger was out - AG batted a lot more conservatively for his final 10-and all those present some observers questioned his ambition to go for another 50 #tightfisted !

Jug No.1 done

Andy retired and debutant Kevin Marsh came in, he smashed a couple of runs and with the final ball of the innings hit a 6 six towards the rugby posts...

A 6 on debut - Jug No.2 ??

Ross and Kevin saw us through to the 20 overs and we ended on 125 for 4. So we went out with a ok strong total and a bowling line up to die for [??].

Opening with debutant Kevin and the veteran Smudger we had change bowlers of Coco and Ross Parker and couple of surprises... Kevin and Smudger got off to a good start with some excellent bowling ... Unfortunately the batting was strong.

Adeel's dad smashed balls through point, cow corner, square leg and the covers and his partner ... Well he wasn't bad either...it was Mr Suliman Malik ... Back to thrash those who taught him the game. The majority of his shots in true Suli fashion were straight of the bowler's head and quite a few shots to cow [some things don't change].

Great innings from the elder brother - and he gloated about finishing on 52 - 2 runs more than me!

After 10 overs Maccabi had 80 runs - they were doing well so Adeel's dad stupidly sportingly tried to reverse sweep Coco off middle stump - the first of his 3 wicket haul!

No3. Another crosser??? Michael Baker [aka MFTRC] steps in - after being padded up for the last 20 overs he took an age to readjust his helmet and gloves! He felt hard done by about not getting a bat so he deffered to the opposition at halftime and convinced them to put him in at 3... This is why they were hitting all of those runs, we only had 10 in the field!

He faced the pace and Coco got him on the fourth attempt - after Vikram dropped him at slip!

Wait! was this an HX intra-club friendly ... Sandy Robertson came in to bat and quickly sighed as he saw coco had an over left - he lasted a few balls and hit a couple of runs but then fell to Coco's pace. With 3 wickets coco was a bit happier ... But ding ding the bell went round 2..

Coco had a tidy over going for about 3 or 4 and he had bowled 6 balls so the square leg umpire started to approach, the batsman plodded around the wicket and I started having a between over chat with the batsman.

But no there was a mystery wide and and Gus wanted another ball - and the handbags were out again.

There were flashes of pink and blue as the two old timers pinged stories of dubious wides and no balls from the 70s and 80s I didn't catch any specific examples but I'm sure there was some chat of Portobello Baths!

Now they only had about 15-20 over the final 5 or so overs. Unfortunately Vikram 'old man' Gaware is injured and wanted to save himself for Saturday [what for-cricket?? or hauling white goods from John Lewis] so we had a trio of exciting, flighty [?] and and at some points [?] the best balls of the game!

BAF was the first to turn his arm over and his first ball was awesome!
He tossed it so high that when it returned to the [Earth's] surface it had snow on it, it turned and rolled under beat the bat. Just fantastic, it was just a shame he was only able to replicate it once more in his over;  when he got Adeel out -caught and bowled.

Next up: Alex Candilish his first 2 balls were wides but then he found his rhythm ... Just excellent, going both ways off the pitch [the same delivery] and he put it just in the right spot for the batsman to put it straight in front of Smudger and he fell jumped forward to catch it for Alex's first wicket (EVER!- not just for the Cross) .

Jug No. 3 and possibly 4 - first wicket for the Cross and first wicket ever.

2 balls later he put another in the same spot but this time the ball was hit sweeter and unfortunately Smudger at short extra cover  did an EC   wasn't able to hold it.

The last over went to [Sunday's hero] Ted:  he bowled two yards outside off, toying with the batsman to hit the final runs, after missing two the batsman finally caught one  [howzat!?] and the game was over.

126-5.. we were beaten by a good batting side.

1st XI v Boroughmuir (including full match highlights)

On the way to Arbo on Saturday I was surprised my canoe wasn't inundated as I negotiated the Morningside rapids, however by the time I reached Loch Tollcross the monsoon had subsided a little and I could see where I was going again. As I pulled my vessel ashore at Arboretum Island I was incredulous to see the top of some stumps just above the waterline where the square once was.  Assured that the pitch was "hard underneath" we decided not to let a little bit of surface water put us off. Also, with various bowlers trying to break into our West Indian pace quartet, it would also have been handy to injure at least one, if not both of two of the present quartet, Lynch & Bainbridge, to ease future selection issues.

Despite the horrific batting conditions, the slow outfield and the idea that the pitch could only improve as the day wore on, skipper Smith still decided to put the oppo in when he won the toss, a u-turn on his previous double-bluff policy of insisting on the hardest course of action for his battle hardened team.


Promising youngster Lynch opened up at the Harbour End and using a dark red rubber duck, like some prehistoric God, he managed to extract some life from the bog of primordial soup. One mistimed hook shot was skyed, landing just short of fine leg, there was a great appeal for LBW and young Pat was looking forward to his second over.


Alack, Australians it seems are made of sterner stuff than their Anglo forefathers (or at least, their boots are).  Bambi (shurely Bimbo?) skited in from the Castle End managing two deliveries with relative assurance before the third ended in near tragedy.


Like Ronaldo running past an outstretched boot, Bainbro began a protracted and motion-heavy descent to the deck. The resulting wave shook boats loose from their moorings at Rosyth, but the Bimbo refused to stay down (because he would have drowned) and swam straight back to his feet.


As usual, the batsmen were coping fine in the conditions, but the bowlers, the poor delicate precious bowlers had to be protected. The skippers had a quick discussion and to abate any further high pitched whinging from Dougie et al, it was decided that with nine balls bowled, eight runs, nay wickets, the game was up the bogey.


Full match highlights here

Crucial Win for Twos but 1sts Flattened by Fauldhouse

1sts
At Arbo
Fauldhouse 283-5
Z. Ali 107*, A. Wallace 72, D. Mullligan 30, D. Allan 29

Holy Cross
189ao C. Ellis 64, R. Bainbridge 42, R. McDonald 4-23
further details to follow

2nds
pvb reports:
Div 5 at the Meadows

Holy Cross 2s 155-8 (Webb and Mehta 40+) :
Accies 2s about 98 all out (Astley 4 wkts).

Impressive bowling and excellent sportsmanship from Accies. HX were held back early on - 45-4 after 20 overs. Then Accies kept on losing wickets amidst some fine shots on a lottery of a pitch. Thanks to Accies for all their preparations in ensuring we had a scoreboard and a fine tea.

3rds
beat SMRH 3rds by 10 wickets
details to follow