Tis but a flesh wound

I'm invincible!!! Clarke baits the Crusaders.

One of our 'ex-pats' emailed recently from the land down under asking what I thought regarding the forthcoming Ashes series. Firstly I have to remind everyone that making predictions is for plonkers. I then stated in no uncertain terms that barring quite unforeseeable circumstances, the Engerlish would walk it yet again.

Watching the build-up to this series has been quite amusing. Clarke naming the England team (he'd struggle to name an England team these Aussies could even draw with), Pietersen hitting all-comers for 6 in his press conference (almost displaying a likeable side), Warney spouting off as usual, cultivating as much publicity for his oversized ego as he could manage. You know how bad it is for Australia when McGrath admits his stock 5-0 prediction will be unlikely this time.

Then the action begins. Those cricketing sages commentating for Sky were for once, quite accurately looking a bit worried at the start. The Brisvegas pitch being described variously as a "road", a "road and a "road". How were England going to get any wickets they queried?

Pretty soon the hosts are 100-5, and 6 down for not much more. Watson and Smith out to truly terrible shots (if you are a top order test match player playing at home on a road), Clarke, Warner and Rogers not far behind in the 'flinging your wicket away' stakes. It shows how much the roles of these two sides has reversed that Australia limping to 270 odd for 8 on Day 1 after winning the toss is something of a success. With all the Aussie Ashes venues being described as batting paradises and minimum scores of 400 going to be required to win test matches in this series, it already looks horrible for the home side.

The evidence before us, admittedly only a days-worth, makes the Australian pre-match hype look quite ridiculous. It reminds me of the scene from Monty Python & the Holy Grail where the Black Knight (pictured), lying in bits on the ground, gathers any remaining breath to once again bait his tormentor. "I'm invincible" he wails plonked on his bahookey with his limbs strewn around him. Clarke, Warner et al, maybe its time to adhere to sporting cliche #1, shut up, if there's any talking to do, just do it out on the pitch. We could be looking at an absolutely incredulous 4th successive English Ashes series victory with Aussie players still berating the oppo for being rubbish. From a team that have won fewer test matches this year than Zimbabwe.

The English performances in the summer Ashes were below previous levels I think most people would agree. Their dominance was as much to do with a very poor touring side in varying states of disarray. With an ageing England side, seemingly in decline and looking for something to kickstart their motivation, the Aussie public for some reason decided to help them out. In their wisdom, prior to this series, sections of them have rounded on Stuarty Broady. This blatantly dim tactic had Broady taking a wicket in his second over setting up a day one 5-for. Seemingly hoping to inspire him on to even greater heights, when he held the ball up to the crowd, as bowlers do after a 5-fer, there was still enough booing from the dunderheids in the stands to keep him stoked up and hunting more Australian scalps (caveat; as he did this, you can see a fair amount of Oz fans applauding as well).

When Steven Smith is batting at FIVE, what on earth are you doing winding up the second best attack in world cricket? Clarke amused me with his English team announcement but the reality is, England could pick Rankin, Onions, Bresnan, Finn or about 40 others in the 'last seamer' slot and it wouldn't make a difference, they'd still blow the Aussie's Black Knights sky high.

My masterplan for the Aussies is a two parter.

1) Shut up
2) Pray for Harris and Johnson to deliver with the ball

Otherwise its going to be another protracted annihilation.