Top Job In Scottish Cricket Still Up For Grabs

EVEN MORE NEW ODDS ADDED - 01/02/12
NEW ODDS ADDED 31/01/12

It's been the hot topic in Tanning Salon's and Nail Bar's since last August when Western Union bound E.C. Smith (???) announced he was abdicating from the exalted post of Holy Cross 1st XI Capitan.

With the new season now only 82 days away and no sign of an AGM to settle matters, the bookies have been in meltdown trying to sort out odds as potential candidates jostle for position.

God smote, The Bish merely sledges

Bishop Lynch - 5/4
With one full season under his belt and any notions of bettering us well & truly kyboshed, the best & worst sledger in the club holds the fatal 'early front-runner' tag. The Bishop has promised to maintain the standards set in recent years and not be available as often as possible to allow sniping and side-plotting against him to prosper out of earshot.

Maddoug Russell - 7/4

Slapper

As Scottish as The Krankies this candidate also shares many other characteristics with Scotland's first couple. He has maintained an open relationship with HX over the years, often moving out of the family home at Arboretum to sample the delights on offer elsewhere before returning to his true love.

How can you not love this man???

Sir Thomas Sheridan - 5/1
A surprise inclusion for some, Scotland's most famous swinger (usually away swinging) has, this very day been uncaged and is available for selection. Known to favour the Cross, having no cricketing ability, but, being born to lead, Sir Tam is an almost perfect fit for the current vacancy.

PVB batting with Spickers

P.V.B. - 5/1
While all Crossers bar one mature with age, this candidate is improving faster than most. Sharp analysis, erudite comments, flawless manners and an understanding of how our great game should be played, what an ambassador we'd have if PVB (as he's known) could garner enough support to launch a campaign.

Geeza job?

Straussy Strauss - 8/1
Don't tell anyone but Straussy will soon be looking for a job. Obvious deficiencies on the field are made up off the field as a consummate engager with the gentlefolk of the press. While he might be 6th or 7th choice to open the batting for us, at least there'd be less inaccurate guff in the local rag.

Ziggy getting ready for work

Anzlm Cydzk - 25/1
There is surely one more season of captaincy left in the popular (once he became) former 2's skip. A lack of vowels have always hindered Zggy with Crossers on the far right and it's unclear if he could now raise enough votes from the left with the appearance of Sir Tommy in the race.

Two good for the 1's

Nozzer Webb - 33/1
Clearly a star on the rise, probably the 3rd most popular new player at the Cross in a decade behind Shambles and Gawarawalapindi Express. However there is still unfinished business for Noz in the 2's where he'll struggle to raise support for a move to the 1's.

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Andy 'Hahaha' Coulson - 50/1
Driven out of his job at Downing Street (by a chauffeur in a Bentley no doubt), Coulson has been looking for a change of career and may be up for some unpaid voluntary work (at his old chum Call-Me-Dave's insistence). The type of guy who loves being taken under the wing of a megalomaniac dictator to anonymously do his bidding and take the hit when it inevitably goes tits-up, I'm sure he'd nuzzle into Lord Admin in no time.

Admin pictured in 1893

Lord Admin - 100/1
Were Coulson to pull out due to unfounded press smears about his propriety, Lord Admin may have to accept a shortening of the odds. When asked about the captaincy, retorts like "f*** off" and "stick that right up yer bahooky" don't deflect some observers from thinking that 1st Team Captain is the job he covets most of all. The more vociferously he says no, the more some folk seem to think he wants it.







Frazerio - 100/1

Another game, another jaffa first up!!!

Unlikely to make a return to mediocre captaincy any time soon due to an equally unlikely Rider List. Conditions include 'pushing back starting times to 1400 hours', 'complete and total player availability' and 'being carried to and from the field of play in a green & gold Sedan Chair'.

Mug Shot!!!

McGill - 1000/1
In good grace Coco has once again agreed to lend us his considerable skills (both cricketing and oratorial) in spite of the constant abuse and ridicule we heap upon him and big money offers from elsewhere. If we weren't 99% stupid, we'd realise the gem we have in our midst and promote the Honorory Midweek Captain to the position he (says he) well and truly deserves. At 109 years old though, time is catching up on the old dear and there are lingering concerns he may have lost a yard of pace since his heyday in the 1930's.

Due to a flurry of betting activity (i.e. one person saying 'where's GT on the list?') the following odds are now added.

Gaz ThreeforFourforFiveforWartha - 9/4

Ye couldny make it up - meet Michelle Trewartha

The most obvious difficulty with GT's sudden promotion to third favourite in the running is, would his name even fit on the Captain's board (especially if he starts taking 6-for and more)? Logistics aside, doubts remain whether GT could lead a side to victory against the East Academy after recent Wif Waf pics appeared on a sleazy website. Does he have the killer instinct to bowl fast & short at kids - probably not? The Bishop & Maddoug wouldn't think twice!!!

CA's real twin already down under

C.A. - 150/1
C.A., which is short for 'Standards' might prove a controversial choice. He's known to accept conventional coaching wisdom and a is a favourer of established club no-no's like warming up (pointless) and warming back down again (doubly pointless - fact - end of). However with the imminent relocation to Oz, his availability should be a bit better than it's ever been. Still has kudos in spades after a legendary 'tour fine' when, as a fledgling powerlifter he joined the Astley-era Cross on tour in Bampton and incurred a penalty for being a 'Drain on the Safety of the Club'.

Dennis 'Spick' Pickering - 20/1
2011 was a tough year for the VC. Plagued by hacking allegations during the whole NotW fiasco and then pretty much becoming full-time skipper whenever E.C. couldn't be ersed (every week). But with the appointment of Martin O'Neill on Wearside it could be a whole new era for Arbo's favourite (only) mackem. Could he too be rejuvenated, or will the big money lure of London leave Crossers wondering 'What if...?'

Sir Shanton John/Bimbo Furnish (Joint tickets) - 12/1
Our favourite new gay Dad's initially thought they'd be missing most of the season after Sir Shanton John recently gave birth, however their Relate counsellor suggested they share baby duties taking it Saturday about. So although they will only be available half the season each, I'm assured there will always be a Bonfridge available if selected (although Sir Shanton looks different without the beard would Rab Bonfridge really fancy the preening Diva if he wasn't a multi-award winning, globe-trotting, sporting superstar feted wherever he goes - doubts always linger with such celeb match-ups)!!! Who is the Daddy??? I actually don't want to know!!!

Smokin Hottie - 5/2
All joking aside now, time to get super serious. I'm sure you'll agree there isn't enough filth on here so I couldn't help typing 'smokin hottie' into t'internet and finally settled on this, er, smokin hottie. Gratuitous it may be, but this sort of journalism should propel me into the employment of a national title in no time. My skills are quite obviously wasted on here, but when aren't they??? Ms Hottie tells me her main campaign point will be to try to convince PVB that lighting up on the field of play is no bad thing and I'd like to see that Club Legend try and disagree (while another aforementioned Club Legend starts his engine).



STILL more odds available on request.

(not) Breaking News (any more) - President to be challenged!!!

Reports in the News of the World yesterday linked retired hitman Roy 'Wotthefeckurulookinat' Keane with a move for the Presidency itself. Keane told Screws insiders "I've got the feckin beard for it so I have".

Arm-wrestling contender