2nd XI - The Captaincy Question

Considering it

New Odds Added (at the end)

Other clubs might call it disarray, for us it's just another close season.

With the 1st XI skipper renouncing his role at the end of the season (his temperature was up (no really), we're waiting til it comes down a bit before asking him again), speculation is rife that there will also be a vacancy at the top of the 2's.

As shall soon be customary, I've therefore decided to offer a guide for all interested parties on the movers and shakers no doubt gearing up to throw their Baggy Green into the ring.

The Loins of Peffermill

El Presidente (above) - 1-2
It's his club and he runs it with a fist of bone china. So if he wants to be captain, no doubt he will be. While he once shot at reporters in his Napoli days, nowadays his various enemies keep taking him out for weeks on end with sniper shots from range. But availability is no barrier to assuming office, indeed, not showing up increases your chances of election twofold. And with a Maradona Jr looking for a nice inheritance in the not too distant future, promising to get the 2's back into Div 4 might rally supporters behind him.


Smujinder Smudgerjee - Evens
With Smith's recently deserting the club in droves it might be possible to railroad the loins of Peffermill into another season at the helm of our middle team. In fact if he was to be skipper, he might end up captaining less games than he ends up doing when he's not skipper. Prudent Crossers may wish to hold him in reserve for whenever whoever is appointed as captain goes awol after a couple of pre-season nets.

Brian gives it the Blue Steel

Beef Raiser - Evens
No, he's not a cattle botherer, but some mad rumours seem to be suggesting that 2012's Most Improved Player could form a so-called 'dream ticket' with the veteran Smujinder Smudgerjee. That this statement alone might induce bruising on the erstwhile 2's opener might throw his fledgling candidacy into doubt, but if Titt Robme is in with a serious chance of entering the White House, why not an Evans/Houlier type arrangement at Arbo.

The Zigster on a weeknight

Cydzk 'Zggy' Nzlm - 3-1
The man who was from Poland before it became fashionable is attracted to the 2's captaincy like a fly is to shhhhhhhhhhhhould he be able to stay away from the internet where heartfelt plea-rants became his trademark, there wouldn't be too many people would complain (one would for sure, but that fight will be on the undercard of the match-up I mention later).

Biswas mk II

Vikrambrose Gawarawalapindi Express - 5-1
This is not a popularity contest or Vik would be a shoo-in along with A Graham for all offices requiring a Hawaiian shirt. Was recently declared fit again after an April-August injury kept him on the sidelines massaging a massive lump on his groin. Could set Division 5, 4, 3 & 2 alight if given the chance.

Bimbo recently

Papa Bimboridge - 8-1
With his Arbo career in freefall, a fact he cannot deny, the 2's are a realistic prospect for the 2011 arm wrestling champion. A wee stint as captain might soften the blow and even inspire the next generation of youngsters (under 35's) as he recruits them to play from his work. Headlines such as 'Bimbo's Babes' or 'Rob's Hearthrobs' might not be far away as the 2's get turned into the best looking side in Edinburgh.

How he might have looked

Rozzer Webb (of criminality) - 12-1
It began so well too. Time will tell if it has ended in ignominy, or if this is just a sort of Kevin Pietersen moment in his Cross career. Once the taker of flying catches, Rozzer had channelled his efforts towards becoming an elite sportsman who could represent his country on the pool table, instead some neds multiplied by his gargantuan steroid intake brought it all crashing down. Will his tenure be remembered as a 'What if', or can he turn back the clock, re-stand for office and redeem his reputation?

Currently on the US side of things

Kwinny - 16-1
Unusually for a Crosser, Kwinny has tailored his foreign excursions to match the close season as much as possible. This is so unusual we can only view it with rampant suspicion. What are we finally doing right that makes people want to stay? Does it mean that despite his canny insistence that he has no captainly ambitions, that indeed is exactly what he has his eye on. I'm tempted to take him at face value, but you really have to watch these humans, they're a right untrustworthy breed.


Lord Admin - 20-1

Lord Admin dresses down

Taking a break from filming the latest Thick of It, Lord Admin took the time to completely deny he'd ever want to take control of such a shower of "you types". His 100% attendance record at AGM's would make it quite difficult to sneakily elect him. Of course, since buying out the East League, Admin may have other fish to fry and see the 2's job as an inconvenience on his way to world domination.


McDougie McRussell - 25-1

Temper

After the earlier revelations that the 1's was too big a job for him (again), who can rule out a promotion to 2nd XI skip for the thinking man's radge? Not only can he bat and bowl, turns out he can keep a bit too (only a bit). Once he adds fielding and captaincy skills to his game, he might be one for the future. Once they start to grow spare human knee ligaments in laboratories, a national call-up might even be possible.

Hey gorgeous, they call me Cocko

Cocko McGill - 50-1
Known to the authorities as Carlos the Jackal, Cocko has been keeping a lower profile of late, consciously scoring less runs and keeping wicket taking to a minimum. This might be down to US drone policy and his international fugitive status or more likely just this blimmin rain. With only two stated goals for 2013, the first being getting back into the 2's, the second being taking his offspring tally into 3 figures, it's up to you to decide which is more realistic.

Coastal Erosion

Ken Troversial - 66-1
Coastal Ken is what's known in certain perverted circles as a dotball fetishist. It stems from a medical condition best described as an immunity to boredom. Casual observers might just glance at his score's of 0, 0, 1, 3, 0, 11, 0 and think 'not a bad Cross bat at all', but keener observers would look at how many balls he took to NOT get off the mark and realise there is incredible skill not just in not scoring a run on purpose, but shutting down all avenues of potential mis-scoring opportunities such as inside edges, leg byes incorrectly awarded to the batsman or overthrows. His feats and his dedication to their continuance are truly mind-boggling. About time he was dropped back down to the 2's.


McScotty McRussell - 75-1

The easier going one of the two brothers

News that McDougie is in with a shout will surely reach the ears of serial club-founder, former 2's skipper (who isn't?) and a gentleman ably designed for 2's captaincy. Completely welcome and totally barred from every club in the land, the management committee would have to OK his candidacy. Working on some sort of f-ed up quantum level he can both build the club up to levels of incredible success and destroy it. As this often happens simultaneously, most folk think things are ticking along normally. Just like the quantum physics illusion of reality.

Where to begin?

Maggie Broonster - 100-1
Sister of tea lady Mandy Broon and official club photo-chronicler, odds of 100-1 might be bargain of the century. The man who out rent boys the rent boys in the fashion stakes seems to possess absolutely zero shame (see photo). Vying with Wusrnip as the Crosser most likely to be on the box, Broonster could be a man going places. Where, I really don't know, but I think he has a bus pass and I suspect he's familiar with the 35. Successful election may rely on whether he can deliver the new bar/changing room/swimming pool complex he's secretly drawn up.


Smokin Hottie - 250-1

Smokeless ciggies, what next, non alcoholic lager???

Oh yeah, she's back. In the continuing absence of gratuitous sexism on this blog, I am led to believe that Ms S Hottie might be showing an interest in the 2's vacancy. Still banging the populist drum (not a euphemism) this er, smokin hottie believes in smoking as you play, the sort of hot topic that might end with the PVB v Coco Mixed Martial Arts match up we've all been waiting on for too long.

Killer by name, killer by nature

Further odds available on request.

NEW ODDS ADDED

Andy 'The' Killer - 75-1
At inter-school sports, when the oppo rugger team turned up you'd often be quaking in your boots at how good they looked or mostly how much bigger they were with no actual skill evidence. The Killer has both these bases and more covered. Not only is he the tallest man on the planet, he looks like he'd be a good player before you've even seen him tie his laces. On top of that, he is a dead ringer for a former English international fast bowler. No, not Devon Malcolm...